Mojangled

A New Year

2012-01-18T19:49:00.000-06:00

Amazingly enough, December was a good month. Did my entire office get laid off in which we all simultaneously panicked? Yes. But after a few days of trying to figure out just what in the FUCK we were going to do now it all seemed to calm down. We all took a breath and looked for other employment. We all found it...eventually. I was the first, of course. Like there was any doubt in anyones mind about that. I can't handle NOT working. It's not me. It's not how I operate. I did take the entire month to finally make my decision and chose to start the beginning of the new year. A new year, a new job. Funny enough it's the exact same job I had before. Same company even. Just a different environment. It's taken some getting used to but it seems to have smoothed itself out nicely.

I miss my friends though. My boys. The ones I've spent the last nine years with. I've been there for marriages, new homes, births of their children. They made me laugh. I don't laugh as much now.

We spent Christmas in Missouri. Moving my grandmother was challenging, but it kept us from remembering. At least for the majority of the time. I teetered between ambivalence and anger. There wasn't sadness. The goal was to get my grandmother moved, get her comfortable, and then get the hell out of town. We accomplished it nicely. I spent Christmas Eve with my father's side of the family. That sentence still blows my mind. Many years I did not even think about those people, and now they're in our lives. Life is strange.

New Year's was spent at home. Just Thomas and I. It was better than any fancy dinner or drunken party. It was just us. I wanted the year to finally end and it did. The year that I couldn't imagine getting any worse. The year that kicked me square in the ass and then had the nerve to laugh at me. But it's all over now and now we move on.

I turned another year older this week. I didn't want to think about it but for a brief moment I was sad when I remembered that she wouldn't be calling me. There would be no birthday card from her. The moment passed when I remembered that one year that she forgot my birthday. She was too busy being a drunk.

Her loose ends are, for the most part, tied up. The burdens that were hanging over my head for so long are practically gone now. I know it changed me though. Permanently changed me. It's not bitterness, it's reality. I'm okay with my reality. I look forward to putting last year behind me and moving forward. Take all the bad I was given and turn it in to good this year. Learn from my mistakes and grow from it. Prove to anything and anyone that I am better for it all in the end. We all are.

Really, Jesus? Really?!

2011-12-06T16:19:00.001-06:00

Just when you think you can breathe a little sigh of relief as life starts to calm down. BAM! Shit just got real, real fast.

It seems that someone wanted me to have a little time off during the holidays and yesterday morning my boss, my co-workers, and I were told that our insurance services were no longer needed by my company. After 9 years of working with the same people, going to the same office, dealing with the same clients, it's all over.

I should be in a panic because I'm out of a job, but I'm not. I just feel like someone died. Again.

Dear Lord,

Uncle. Please. I'm pretty sure I've had my fill this year. I know you'll only give me what I can handle but I'm at my limit. Help me out here.

Love,

A Hint Of Light

2011-11-29T19:10:00.001-06:00

I made it through Thanksgiving with just a few fleeting moments of sadness. I sat in the dining room, swirling a glass of wine, and thought of Thanksgivings from the past. Trying to remember a Thanksgiving with my mother. Funny enough, I couldn't. I have several memories burned into my brain but not a single one of them contain my mother. My grandmother is the only person I can recollect from those times. Her in the kitchen at dawn, already starting on the cooking for the large group of people she was expecting later in the day. Her homemade bread dough laying underneath damp dish towels, rising, telling me to hurry up and close the back door as to not let the cold air in the warm humid room. Her rushing at the last minute to take time for herself to get ready before every one walked in the door. The house spotless, smelling like roasted turkey and every pie you can possibly imagine. The day before she and I would clean the house and while she made the next days desserts I would polish the dining room table and chairs. Her mother's antique table cloth, ironed and beautiful, was the final touch. The day after Thanksgiving wasn't for shopping in my family, it was for pulling out the Christmas decorations. For three days her and I would put up the 9 foot tall tree, decorate the house from top to bottom, and my grandfather would do every thing in his power to put as many Christmas lights on the outside of the house as humanly possible.

Thanksgiving for me isn't about family or even giving thanks. For me it was about that time I spent in the kitchen with my grandmother. Watching her move effortlessly around the kitchen. Never once pulling out a cook book but remembering how to make a dozen different dishes from memory. The warmth of the kitchen from the oven having been on constantly since the day before. Her and I talking about everything and her trying to instill in me some sort of culinary skill that I really never retained.

This Thanksgiving I thought of her, and I was sad for her. Not because I wasn't there with her on that day but because I knew that her mind was filled with her own memories and her own sadness. I was sad because I could feel her grief from 500 miles away.

She told me this week that come hell or high water she was planning to move in December. I figured that would put us in Missouri right around Christmas time, to help her finish packing, and to help her move. Getting her moved and settled will be the last major hurdle to overcome. Of the two hurdles already jumped this should be the easiest one. Easier than deciding to turn off the machines and easier than burying. As Thomas said to me, "This is a light at the end of the tunnel." He's right, it is. The physical portion of this death is finally coming to a close, but it's the emotional part that I'm almost certain I haven't sprinted past yet. Keeping my brain and my body occupied with other things can only help me for so long. At some point I'm going to have to grieve and then let go.

A part of me thinks my grandmother chose to move in December to keep herself occupied as well. Stay busy with other things so as to "forget" that Christmas is upon us. A holiday that to me does mean family. A holiday that meant all of us being together in the living room, each opening one gift at a time. A loud crazy night filled with love. Those are the memories that make my heart hurt more than I could ever describe. The memories of how just a few short years ago I took Thomas "home" for Christmas and he was absolutely blown away with how overwhelmingly Christmas-y everything was. I am so grateful for that. So very grateful for that particular night to be so alive in my mind. The night I cried with laughter and cried with happiness. For the diamond stud earrings Thomas gave me that I had been wanting for so long. For the ring my mom surprised me with. The ring my father had given her when he asked her to marry him. And mostly because she finally believed it was time for me to have it. I had become enough of a "grown-up" to have it and as I cried she cried and she hugged me and told me she loved me. In my heart I know there will never be another Christmas like one. It can't be recreated. But there will be other Christmas', full of love and family and new traditions. I will always think of her though. I will always remember the look on her face, the look of pure joy, when she saw my surprise at receiving the ring. She was so happy.

One holiday down, one more to go. This year all I want for Christmas is for it to be over with.

Worry

2011-11-16T12:43:00.002-06:00

I 100% accept every emotion I have felt in the last two months. I bring it on myself. For the worry, the anxiety, the everything-is-out-my-control psycho mental moments. I stepped up to the task of "handling" what needed to be handled. Because truly, who else was going to step up to that daunting task? Nobody, that's who. Whether it be lack of funds, lack of knowledge, or lack of giving of a shit there was no one else to take over and be The One In Control. I'm amazed that I've been able to accomplish what I have based on the fact that I know fuck all.

I have no one else to blame. Not a single soul. Could more people step up and play a stronger role in taking the million pounds of burden off of my shoulders? Sure, they could but I don't blame them for not doing it. Not their responsibility. And that is what gets me in the end. When did this become MY responsibility? Was it because she birthed me 30 years ago and attempted to raise me? I guess it is. Or was it because I made it my responsibility because I didn't want that burden on the shoulders of the people that I love, even though it hurts me every single day?

Not a day goes by that I don't think about it. Sure, there are plenty of days when I don't think about the entire ins and outs of the situation. Days when I refuse to acknowledge that there is still so much left to do, left to pay out, left to wonder about. Then the days that I do choose to face reality and the thirty seconds of "what ifs" run through my head so fast it makes me dizzy I am left with anxiety and a lump in my throat.

I hate her. I love her. I'm relieved. I miss her. I am angry. I am sad.

These emotions are present and they change constantly. One for the other, one no better or no worse than the other because they all equal pain.

I've realized that I have been avoiding having conversations or exchanging emails with my grandmother. It never brings good news and knowing that she is in full depression yet refuses to do anything about it pains me even more. I know she is hurting. Hurting more than any of us can know or can imagine. But what she doesn't know is that she is hurting me in return. I am the sounding board, I am the one she knows she can talk to and pour her emotions out to without judgement. Every therapist needs a therapist though. A person can only contain so much sadness before they themselves are brought down. So instead of telling her that I need more positivity in my life I don't talk to her much anymore. Besides, what is there to talk about? The weather? Yea, I know it's cold there. The news? It's all crap anyways. My mom? All we do is end up saying the same things over and over again. We get absolutely nowhere.

Until she starts making some major decisions I will worry. And for a person who isn't good at worrying so I never really did it, it's chipping away my soul. Day by day it eats a little part of me away. The old me who didn't worry, the old me who wasn't anxious constantly wondering when the next bad thing is going to happen. The new me waits every day and I'm thankful for the good times when Thomas hugs me tight and tells me it will all be okay, when I laugh, when my friends message me just to ask how I'm doing. I am grateful for the good that I'm given. More so than I can ever put into words.

Moving On

2011-10-20T13:22:00.002-05:00

It doesn't feel like it's been six weeks since she died. Some days it feels like it was yesterday, some days it feels like it was an eternity ago. The days when it feels like it was yesterday are few, but there are moments when I forget. I forget she died. I forget how she died. But something triggers the memory and then I remember. It takes my breath away. I haven't cried in weeks because there is nothing to cry about. What's done is done and shedding tears isn't going to make anything change.

I think what angers me most is that while her and I weren't close, hadn't ever been close my entire life, I feel like she took that option away from me. She left me to wonder about a relationship between us that could've developed. Had started to develop for a short period of time. I'm angry at her because I will never have the opportunity to look her in the eyes, tell her I forgive her, and actually mean it.

I'm also angry because I should be concentrating on more important things in my life. My job, my new house, my husband, my friends, my responsibilities but I can't because I feel like I have this heavy burden hanging over my head. It's constant. Knowing that there is still so much left to do. Obligations of helping my family and trying to keep the burden off of them. While I had prepared my mind for her death long ago I really had no way of comprehending the repercussions of her dying. I'm only one person and I cannot fully fill the void the she left behind. All I can do now is wait.

I worry about my sister. She's so introverted and she's so angry. We really don't talk much because there really isn't much to say. I always thought the older we both got the more we would have in common and we would grow closer. I think our mother's death has caused a rift between us that may never heal. Only time will truly tell how she recovers from this. Maybe one day she will understand why I had to do what I did and what I said.

While there are plenty of moments of bad there are still many more moments of wonderful in my life. When I have those moments of bad, when things just seem so overwhelming, I remember that my life is good. I have it good. We will all get past this and we will all move on. Right now I'm doing my best to focus on my work and on the house. Every thing we do ourselves is a victory because it's usually something neither of us has ever done before. There is still so much to finish but it's a work in progress. A work in progress that Thomas and I can be proud of.

04/20/60 - 09/05/11

2011-09-29T09:46:00.004-05:00

I buried my mother on September 24th.

That same day two years prior I saw her in Las Vegas, all smiles, prepared and excited to walk her first born down the aisle.

I buried my mother next to her father in a small cemetery that is filled with other people I have lost over the last 30 years. I hugged my family members and stood next to my husband and wept like a child. The last three weeks of sadness, frustration, and anger pouring out of me like a river. I don't remember much of the short service or what the pastor said. I just remember gripping the tiny golden urn in my hand which held a small amount of her ashes. I placed a single red rose beside her grave. My sister and I held each other and cried. All I could do was stroke her shiny brown hair and tell her that everything would be okay. One day.

I spent my 2nd wedding anniversary sorting through the last 51 years of my mother's life. Paperwork, clothing, belongings, all had to be cleared out. Tying up her loose ends will take more time than I really care to think about.

I find that I have to correct myself now. Present tense to past tense. Old habits are hard to break. But I know that everything will be okay. We will all be okay. One day.

Goodbye

2011-09-08T14:30:00.004-05:00

Dear Mom,

I'm just so angry and hurt. Why did you put all of this on us? The people who loved you most. We almost never got along, but I thought it was getting better. Then it stopped.

The last time I heard your voice I yelled at you in anger. I called you a liar. I'm sorry that I never got the chance to say goodbye to you. I'm sorry that the last thing I said to you was not "I love you" but was said out of anger and frustration. I'm sorry I couldn't help you. And most importantly I'm sorry that I couldn't take away your pain.

Thank you for giving me life. Thank you for putting a roof over my head. Thank you for passing on your good traits to me. And thank you for the relief you brought to me and to Gramma today.

I didn't think this would be so hard, but it is.

I hope you're finally at peace and that your demons no longer haunt you. And I hope that one day I can finally make sense of all of this.

I love you and I always have. I hope you know that.

Goodbye, Mom.

Let The Games Begin

2011-08-23T10:33:00.002-05:00

Sometimes it's just not worth it to do-it-yourself. Between ripping out flooring and raising a floor, taking off old and bringing in the new, it's exhausting and I am quickly running out of time. Oh but the benefits of this home, especially financially, are monumental. Mortgage that is cheaper than rent? I'll take it, even with the remodeling.

Life has been busy this summer and it doesn't look like it's going to slow down any time soon. Thank God for quick weekend getaways, which is exactly what we're doing this weekend. No beach anniversary trip for us this year. But no worries, fun will still be had and I can finally take a breath. Sore bellies from laughing so hard, hot weather, cold beer, and returning home feeling reset and ready to take on everything else that needs to be done is the plan.

A Secret No More

2011-08-10T16:18:00.003-05:00

The cat is officially out of the bag. Thomas and I have purchased our first home together. We are closing next week, moving in a month, and I could not be more excited for us and our new adventure together.

There will be photos, oh yes. Thomas and I have grand ideas about this new home of ours. It's older and needs updating. Thankfully he and I are handy enough and we plan to tackle these home improvements on our own. New kitchen, new bathrooms, new flooring, etc. I am absolutely giddy. And not just because I get to pick out paint colors and wear a tool belt either.

Due to the wonders of the interwebs, and knowing how easy it is to obtain personal information (not to mention a few prying eyes who I feel don't really need to know what I'm doing or where I'm living) we may create a new (and password protected) blog to detail the trials, tribulations, and excitement of renovating our new home. Stay tuned!

Back To School

2011-07-28T13:14:00.002-05:00

January 16, 2008 was the last day I was inside of a college classroom. I went to school that night and came home to the end of my marriage. Due to the stress of the divorce along with trying to keep up a home that was for sale I withdrew from my classes. I told myself that once life calmed down and I had properly adjusted to whatever this new life was going to be that I would go back and finish what I had started. But of course life never really did calm done now, did it? Moving, divorce, Thomas, wedding, moving again, work, play, travel...etc etc etc it all just takes precedence over something as boring as obtaining an education.

For me taking classes isn't about trying to grow intellectually, it's about finishing something I started a long time ago. Something that I put aside because I couldn't handle it along with the chaos that was happening around me. Life is no longer chaotic for me. Although sometimes it feels as if the days are flying so fast. Days feel like years but years feel like minutes. I can handle this now. I've put this off long enough.

Done

2011-07-15T10:02:00.002-05:00

Walking a fine line is hard. Not rocking the boat is even harder, especially when you've been stabbed directly in the back. I'm to blame now and I'm not surprised. It's always someone else's fault.

She's being erased. Erased from my life as if she never existed. When I am betrayed, when those that I love are betrayed, you disappear. Poof. Gone like a cloud of smoke on a windy day.

Good riddance.

False Alarm

2011-07-13T12:48:00.002-05:00

No news to share. Some things just aren't in the cards. That doesn't mean that it won't happen in the future though. We always keep hope alive in the Mojangle household.

Good things come to those who wait...

Fool Me Once, Shame On You. Fool Me Twice...

2011-07-07T14:37:00.003-05:00

I was wrong. Plain and simple.

She got me good this time, but it's going to end. I cannot and will not tolerate it. I will go to the ends of the Earth for those that I love. I will protect those who once protected me. I will not allow evil and selfishness to over take goodness.

Her and I are done. Forever.

Secret

2011-06-28T12:35:00.003-05:00

I have one, but it's not ripe yet. Just sitting below the surface ready to burst. Something exciting. Something new. An adventure even.

Stand by...

Mother

2011-05-27T12:40:00.003-05:00

I respect my mother.

She is the hardest working woman I have ever known. She can sell anything, and all while making you think she's giving you the best deal you've ever heard in your life but still getting her piece of the pie. She will go to extraordinary lengths to help her family. She would give her blood to provide financial comfort to a person she loves. I know this because she has in the past.

She is 51 years old and sleeps about four hours a day but she has as much energy as a 5 year-old who just ate a half dozen pixie sticks. She can run circles around me, and she never stops.

She can carry on a conversation with anybody about anything. She is intelligent. She is funny. She is capable of charming the pants off of you. Literally.

Her and I never had a typical mother/daughter relationship. That still hasn’t changed. That connection was never there and I realize now that it’s not her fault and it’s not my fault. We just weren’t designed that way. We weren’t meant to be mother and daughter, but that doesn’t mean we can’t be friends.

I spent six days in Las Vegas with her. Six days watching her, talking to her, and more importantly, listening to her. I needed that week with her more than I ever knew. I learned more about her in six days than I had learned in the last 30 years. She learned a lot about me as well. I am no longer the child and she is no longer the guardian. I am an adult with thoughts and opinions that are different from her. I am an individual. Molded in some ways by my genetic connection to her, molded in other ways by my own personal experiences in life. I am no longer the person she cannot relate to. I am now the person that she confides in.

I am proud of my mother.

She has over come the obstacles of life and has come out on the other side with a positive outlook on life. I used to resent her for decisions she made, and now I understand why. My resentment is gone and it’s as if a thousand pounds has been lifted from my soul.

Until just a few weeks ago I never knew these things about her. I mean I DID know but I didn’t understand. I couldn’t understand. I understand now.

I love my mother.

I have waited 30 years to say that, and truly mean it.

2011-01-19T20:29:00.002-06:00

I turned 30 on Sunday.

30.

I have yet to completely wrap my head around it. I don't know what it means. If it means anything at all. It's a number, a number indicating how many years I have lived. 30 of them. 30 wonderful, heart breaking, exciting, terrifying years. And all I can think about is that I want them to stop increasing. Not because I want to be young and stay that way. But because the older I get the older my grandmother gets. My mother gets. My husband gets. My friends get. My sister gets. I do not fear my mortality, but the mortality of those that I love more than myself.

I am 30 and I can honestly say I have no regrets. I wouldn't go back and change an action or a thought because they have caused me to be where I am in this exact moment. I wouldn't change that for any amount of money.

I am 30 and I am so fucking blessed to have people in my life who sacrifice for me. Who scheme and lie just to put a smile on my face. I spent my birthday weekend with the three people in this world who I feel nothing but love from. No disappointments or strings, just love and thinking about it brings tears to my eyes.

I am 30 and I may not have a career in some high rise building bringing in mad baller cash, but I am loved dammit. I feel it every single day. I am loved for who I am, not a front that I put up. I am loved and I love in return.

I am 30 and I wouldn't want to be anywhere else than where I am right now.

A List Of Me

2010-10-26T18:54:00.003-05:00

I am hilarious.

I am the proud owner of two spoiled mutts that I love as if I birthed them myself.

I own up to my feelings even when they are ridiculous and without merit.

I am no longer a blond.

I am tired of the bullshit that comes along with being an adult.

I am terrible at faking sincerity.

I make fun of my husband for being a nerd, but in all reality I am proud of him for the amount of knowledge he possesses.

I am grateful to have the kind of friendships that don't require a daily phone call in order for us to know how loved we are.

I make a mean pot of turkeyburger helper.

I want to quit smoking as a gift to myself for my 30th birthday, but deep down I am terrified of the weight I will inevitably gain because of it.

I joke how turning 30 scares me, but I'm not afraid. I plan to enjoy my 30's WAY more than my 20's.

I miss going to the gym almost every day.

I miss my family.

I stop missing my family after about 24 hours around them.

I love how Thomas and I ogle each other when we think the other isn't looking.

I actually enjoy diet beer.

I am judgmental of total strangers.

I directly compare how you look to what is in your grocery cart.

I am afraid of never figuring out what I want to be when I grow up.

I say "I love you" a lot. Because you never know when you won't be able to tell someone that again.

Still Kickin

2010-10-20T15:52:00.003-05:00

I'm still alive, but I'm sure you were probably aware of that.

I have abandoned this blog, for reasons unknown. Only thing I can think of is that I've lost the desire to pour my guts out on my computer screen. To be honest I have absolutely nothing to spill about. I am madly in love with my husband/best friend, I am employed, I am well fed, I am healthy, I am happy.

Life is for living, and that's exactly what I'm doing.

Random

2010-07-12T14:11:00.006-05:00

For my birthday back in January Thomas had given me a gift certificate to a local spa for a full day of pampering. I finally got around to using it this past weekend and I was absolutely blown away. I was massaged, and hydrated, and styled, and manicured until I couldn't hardly stand it. There's only so much relaxation I can take before I feel like a corpse.

My weight-loss goal is still going rather well. I say that even though I haven't really lost any weight in the month of July. I'm still about where I was at the end of June even with three weekends in a row of fatty eating. What can I say? I love food. It's like I work my ass off all week just for the chance to relax and not eat like a rabbit on the weekends. I'll take it for now, but something is going to have to change in the near future because at this point it's like I'm running in place, and after a while that gets really old.

Last weekend I received a private message on Face.book from a cousin. Apparently my father had been trying to get a hold of me and wasn't having much luck. All of my numbers had been disconnected and I wasn't listed in the directory. Whoops. See, he would've known that my cell had changed if he had called in the last two years because I had a home phone up until January of this year. He didn't know my number because the last time I had spoken to him was when I called him in April of '08 to let him know that I was getting divorced and moving. Yes, I should've called him back in September to let him know I was getting married, but I didn't. It didn't matter, he wouldn't have come to the wedding anyways.

I'm pretty ambivalent about my father. He's a decent man, a hard worker, and an upstanding citizen. He votes, pays his taxes, and doesn't have a criminal record. He's a good person, he's just a terrible father. I realized this years ago when it was me who was always calling him, or stopping by his house. Eventually I stopped calling as much, and then I moved to Dallas and never saw him. The last time I set eyes on the man was January 3, 2002. He was wearing a black suit and a bad tie. It was the day he buried his own father. A man that he was close to, but never emotionally. My father's family doesn't show much emotion. They don't tell each other that they love each other. They don't hug. Their idea of being there for each other is helping someone replace a starter in an old car, or getting together for a BBQ. When I was a child this baffled me, but as I got older I just got used to it. Always remembering that affection and love was shown freely with my mom's family, but a pat on the back and a smile was good enough with my dad's family. To each their own.

The last time my father contacted me himself was to tell me that my grandfather had died. The reason he was trying to contact me last week was because my great-aunt had died. A very sweet woman who I remember being old even when I was a child. I was surprised that she had made it this long. When he told me I can honestly say I felt nothing. While I'm sad that someone has passed away I felt no emotional connection to her, but instead I felt more sad for my father. A man who is rapidly aging, who has no other children, and isn't on the path to have a connection to his only child. I have convinced myself that he never really wanted to be a father. While my mother or grandmother would never tell me that, it's not that hard to figure out. My father contested the divorce with my mother three times. All over a projection television and some furniture. He never gave issue to my mother wanting sole custody of me. He paid his $210 a month in child support for 15 years and moved on with his life. While some people may have a problem with this, I don't. That was the path he chose in his life. Though a part of me is sad that we will never be close, I'm not 100% sure I would even know how to begin to have an adult father/daughter relationship with him. Too much time has passed. He doesn't really know me, and I don't really know him. I did give him my new cell number and my new address. He did tell me that he would make more of an effort to call me, but I don't hold my breath. If he calls I will talk to him. If he doesn't call then I'll expect my annual Christmas card from his sweet wife. She's the one who always signs them 'Love, Dad & Di'.

I am constantly amazed at how petty adults can be. Specifically women. Jealousy and envy can be incredibly nasty feelings. When my friends have something wonderful happen to them and they feel like they can share it with me I am SO happy for them. I think every one of my friends deserves to be happy and to have wonderful things given to them. Unfortunately, some people are constantly unsatisfied with their lives and feel the need to be spiteful.

I recently had a "friend" disappear on Face.book. I had noticed she hadn't posted anything that showed up in my news feed so I went looking for her. She was completely gone from my friends list, and wasn't showing up on mutual friend's lists either. Concerned that something had happened to her I sent her a text, with no response. The next day I noticed that she had left a comment on a mutual friend's status and was totally shocked. I realized that she de-friended me. No notice, no message, nothing from her. The next day I received a text back from her number letting me know that it was her husband's phone now but that he would pass the message along that I was concerned about her. Within minutes of the text she sent me a friend request with a short note stating that she had deleted people that she "never talked to anymore". I thought that was strange seeing as how I comment regularly on her status'. After re-friending her I went to her profile and was hit by a couple of status' that shocked me. One talking of envy, the other talking of how she wished that she could do something that I had mentioned I was doing in a status the previous week. Maybe it's conceited for me to think this, but personally I believe she is jealous of me. This just made me both incredibly sad and incredibly pissed off. Here I was, texting her telling her I was concerned about her disappearing, when in reality she had de-friended me out of jealousy! I don't post shit on Face.book to brag. I do it because I am happy and I want to share my happiness with people that I care about. Do other people have things that I don't have and want? Hell yes! But I compliment them and I am happy for them. I don't de-friend them out of petty jealousy.

This weekend was the two year anniversary of Thomas and I meeting. In celebration of this we bought each other a gift and had a wonderful dinner out with his parents and our friends. I posted a photo of the gift Thomas had gotten me, and this so-called friend's response just reeked of disgust for me and my "pampered princess" ways.

I've made more of an effort to be more vocal on her status'. Even when I don't have much to say. Obviously she's lonely and is wanting attention, but I absolutely REFUSE to stop sharing happy moments in my life just because of someones jealousy. I love my life, and dammit I plan to share it.

I Love Me Some Me

2010-07-01T09:20:00.004-05:00

I was absolutely disappointed in myself last night. I was still 3 pounds from my goal weight and it was the last day of the month. I really really REALLY fucking hate not reaching a goal I set for myself, especially one so small.

I woke up this morning and immediately weighed myself. I did it. I achieved my goal. I don't know how I did it, but I did it.

Now it's on to the next goal. Another 10 pounds, another month.

Because I tend to forget how I went about losing weight when I think about the past I am going to post a day's menu for myself. Basically, this is what I've eaten almost every day for the last 30 days. My average caloric intake is anywhere between 800-1000 a day, but after an hour of exercising I net an average of 500-700.

To my future self,

If you want to lose weight again, do this. Put down the pork chop, fattie. Step away from the carbs. Eat this:

Breakfast:

2 slices of turkey bacon
3.5 large eggs
1 half Orowheat sandwich thin with a small amount of butter

Calories: 379

Lunch:

2 cups romaine lettuce
5 oz cherub tomatoes
1 tablespoon light Italian dressing
1/2 serving of baked chicken breast

Calories: 163

Dinner:
5 oz tilapia
2 cups Brussels sprouts, with 1 slice turkey bacon
1/2 baked sweet potato with 1 tablespoon of butter

Calories: 390

Snack:
1/2 serving baked chicken breast

Calories: 60

Oh It's On Now

2010-06-29T14:08:00.002-05:00

A trip to South Padre Island has been booked.

86 days.

86 days to look as good as I possibly can. To feel as good as I possibly can.

Tomorrow is the deadline for my monthly goal. I will report back with results.

86 days til the beach, the sun, and a private house. SQUEE!

Hunger Doesn't Get What Hunger Wants...This Time

2010-06-17T10:09:00.003-05:00

I'm half way to reaching my goal of losing 10lbs in the month of June, but I have yet to get used to the feeling of being hungry. It's a constant feeling and even though I'm eating, quite well actually, it's still difficult. My calorie intake is small and my trips to the gym are short. I don't have the energy to push heavy weights or even spend a significant amount of time doing cardio, but it seems to be working. I've gotten over the wall that was up for a long time and I'm confident that I'll actually hit my goal, and maybe even lose more.

I've been really really hard on myself lately. I was so into working out and losing weight last year, because of the fear of not fitting into that wedding dress. Now that the wedding has come and gone I've tried to loosen up a bit, but if I give myself an inch I will take a mile instead. So far so good. If it works I'm going to stick with it, and this is working. I'm not starving myself, I'm not on a crash diet, I'm doing what I know that I'm capable of. I am confident that I can do this and then some.

It's June 1st. Let The Misery Begin!

2010-06-01T12:09:00.002-05:00

I know, I'm being dramatic. Tough shit. It's my blog.

10 pounds to lose by the end of June. Just 10 little itsy bitsy pounds.

In other news, here is a photo of Thomas holding two baby Chihuahuas.

I Never Thought Summer Would Get Here

2010-05-26T14:08:00.003-05:00

I guess it isn't "officially" Summer yet, but I deem it so when I step outside into the sunshine and immediately begin to sweat like a whore in church with a condom in her pocket. Which is a lot. I also wear good deodorant so, ya know, it's safe to stand next to me.

I've been such a slacker when it comes to the gym lately. I've also been eating horribly and drinking beer like it's going out of style. You know what I'm trying to say here right? Yes, I'm trying to say that I've gained weight. Not an extreme amount of weight but enough that when I walk by a full length mirror I think to myself that if I had ever wanted kids that I would make a fabulous pregnant chick. I have no excuses this time, I just got lazy. Hell I'm still lazy but at least I give a shit. Kinda.

Thomas and I started this week going back to our old routine of eating healthy and getting to the gym every night. We did it but in all reality what we really wanted was to sit at home and drink beer while eating a gravy drenched chicken fried steak the size of our heads. For the most part eating healthy sucks, but the benefits are well worth every bite of the broccoli. When we eat right and work out we have more energy, we feel better, and we don't look like we could give birth to a DingDong eating beer swilling 15lb mega-baby any day now. So ya know, there's pros and cons.

The Summer is already looking to be an eventful one. Pool parties and river trips and other activities that require that I wear something that resembles a bathing suit. In an effort to not make each person that sees me in a bathing suit reel back in absolute horror and disgust I am doing my part to shed some cellulite from my ass. And my thighs. And where ever else I have it. In order to do this I am going to do exactly what I did last year. Workout, eat right, have fun on the weekends, and give myself a goal.

The goal is 10lbs gone by the end of June. 10lbs in one month. That should totally be easy, right?

Right?

Gah.

Write That Down

2010-05-11T12:14:00.002-05:00

I'm going to preface* this entire story by saying that there were very few pictures taken during the latest SWMH Club meeting. We were busy. Very busy. What with all the drinking and laughing and the talking, but it's not the pictures that matter, it's the memories. Even if those memories aren't of club hopping or singing bad karaoke. Memories are made by making numerous trips to the convenience store and one very important trip to Walmart. Memories are made sitting on the back porch and telling stories that make us all laugh until we cry. Photos aren't the most important things, friendship is.

Isn't that THE best excuse for not taking a shitload of photos ever??

As I sat in the airport waiting to leave a guy sat down across from me and then proceeded to make my eyes bleed.

Those are BLACK ankle socks. With brown slip on shoes. BLACK. WITH BROWN. And khaki SHORTS with a green shirt! As you can see, he's not wearing a wedding band because no woman would marry someone who dresses like that and even if she did she would NEVER have let him leave the house like that.

When I arrived in Phoenix I was greeted by an already crying Princess (you owe me $5 Thomas) and we did the whole run to each other and hug each other thing and I didn't even care if people thought we were lesbians.

Since we weren't heading to Tucson until much later in the day we headed to a local restaurant and proceeded to sip on this:

Yes, my friends, that is a bacon bloody mary and it was divine.

Soon we were in Tucson and we were all together! Finally! And we even had a new member joining us this time around. The time seems to fly when we're all together. It's almost as if the universe knows that we don't get to see each other very often and plays a cruel joke on us by speeding up time.

Before I knew it it was time to leave. Time to say goodbye to my wonderful friends and head back home. Tears were shed and I was heart broken. Eight months of not seeing each other is too long and God knows when I'll see them again.

To Slick, Spike, and Snoop - Thank you for such a fantastic weekend. Thank you for making me laugh until my face hurt. Thank you for my gifts and thank you for your friendship. I love you guys.

* LOL

Run Down

2010-05-04T10:35:00.003-05:00

I was kinda hoping that the next time I wrote I would be doing it from the comfort of my corner office overlooking a golf course all while raking in huge amounts of money just because I am me, but alas, that is not the case. I'm sitting here from the not-so-comfortable office chair that has held my ass for last 7 years. Nothing has changed. I've applied everywhere, but no success. Just like with the weight loss I am not going to fret about it. I'll continue to make what I make now and make the absolute best out of it. I also pray each day for the strength to hold off the choking of my co-workers and/or clients.

This Thursday I will fly to Arizona for yet another fabulous SWMH Club meeting with my girls Elle and Princess. I haven't laid eyes on them since the wedding in September and I am giddy with excitement. Oh ladies, I have missed you so. I can't wait to get hammered with you.

You SO know there will be pictures. Lots and lots of pictures. Also, maybe some drunk posting.

Speaking of pictures...I have some. Let me show you them.

Thomas and I have recently embarked on a journey to find the perfect cheeseburger. Thankfully there are a shit ton of restaurants in the DFW area and most of them don't suck! We also enjoy taking photos of our food and posting them on FB to make our friends and family green with envy.

We don't just limit ourselves to hamburgers and fries. While man really can exist on those two alone (and beer, let's never forget beer) we also eat seafood and cheese fries. Really good cheese fries with bacon. LOTS of bacon.

In other news, my dogs are adorable.

Time For A Change

2010-04-16T14:52:00.002-05:00

I'm bored. Not with my life, with my work. Day by day I feel my brain cells dying, and my soul slowing rotting away. I sell and service insurance every single day. What does that have to do with my soul, you ask? As my grandmother once said to me, "You sell insurance. You lie for a living." While I don't think that's necessarily true, I do feel like I bend the truth on more occasions than I care to really think about.

Each day I talk to the same people, I tell the same stories, and I deal with the same excuses. I realize we're in tough economic times right now, but do keep in mind that I don't make up the insurance rates. Don't yell at me. I just convince you to believe the reason I give you for your recent rate increase is actual truth, when in fact it's probably not.

For the most part I'm tired of dealing with the general public. No matter how much I try to fake it I am not, nor have I ever been, a people person. I don't like 99% of the population that walks on this planet. Mostly because people, as a whole, suck. They are argumentative, judgmental, uneducated, and lazy. I've worked with all kinds from all over the world and I can honestly say I just don't like the human race.

While I would love nothing more than to have a job where I can sit in front of a computer all day and type menial and mind numbing shit without ever having to deal with another human being all day we all know that just can't happen. You remember that movie 'The Net'? The one where she worked from home all day long doing interesting look internet-y type things? I would love that job. I would have everything delivered to my home and the only time my neighbors would see me is while I was sashaying my ass to the mailbox to pick up my sweet fat paychecks. But this isn't the movies and I'm no Sandra B.

I've applied for several jobs very very recently and I would love to have something happen soon. The jobs I've applied for have zero to do with insurance, but instead will allow me to use the skills I have gained over the years. The number one skill being able to kiss ass to those who make me money. I think I've put enough years into this business. I'm tired of kissing the ass of those who have nothing. It's time for me to move on.

Check In

2010-04-02T16:01:00.002-05:00

Yea, I know. It's been a while.

Ya know, I think deep down I was kind of hoping this medication would be some kind of miracle pill. That I would take it every day like a good girl and BOOM! the weight would just melt off of me. Not so much. Have I lost weight since I've started taking the medication? Sure. A few pounds. It could also be my cutting back on carbs as well. Who knows. I will give the meds credit for one thing, I do feel better. I'm no longer needing to chew caffeine pills like candy or down energy drinks like water. I do have more energy, I do feel better. But it's hard to be giddy about it when it's not really doing what I wanted it to do.

I realize that I am being unreasonable. There is no miracle pill. Or drink. Or food. Or super simple 3 minutes workouts twice a week that you see plastered in magazines or online ads. It takes effort every single day to turn down that sweet, or that carb, or those empty colories. And each scale the scale inches lower. Ounce by ounce.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not downing myself here. I'm making progress, it's just slow progress. In this day and age of the I WANT IT NOW! GIMME! I know it's not healthy to lose the weight fast. It'll come off when it's ready to come off. Day by day, week by week.

I intend to enjoy my summer this year. I had a fabulous summer last year as well, but the thought of not being able to fit into that wedding dressed weighed on me like a ton. I was terrified. Absolutely terrified that I wouldn't be able to pull it off, but I did. GO ME! I still have goals I want to achieve, but I'm going to thoroughly enjoy myself this summer. I do believe that it's well deserved.

This Explains A Lot

2010-03-12T10:51:00.003-06:00

Out of frustration and desperation I met with my doctor last week. I allowed him to take my sweet blood from my body in exchange for answers as to why I've stopped losing weight. Within days he had my results and finally provided me with the answers I've been looking for.

Oh the body, it is an amazing thing. It's also quite crafty.

Here's basically what happened: I was fat, then I lost a lot of fat rather quickly. Because of this my body was like, "Whoa. What a minute. WTF is happening here?". Because the body did not appreciate the losing of the fat that quickly it said, "Yea, this is gonna stop. Right...about...NOW. HA! Suck it, lady!". And that's what happened. My metabolism slowed right on down. Which meant that every thing I shoved down my pie hole was held on to and deposited as fat storage. Then when I would work out EVERY.SINGLE.DAY I would only burn just enough not to gain weight. Basically, I was maintaining. This wasn't good.

Thanks to the miracle of modern day medicines I am now on my way to kicking my metabolism's ass back in gear. HA, metabolism! I WIN! YOU suck it.

It's All Mental

2010-02-22T14:54:00.005-06:00

I hit a mental and physical wall this week. After taking some much needed time off from gym in January and most of February I headed back last week. Eating clean, laying off of the booze, and working my tail off in the gym I figured I would be back to my pre-Thanksgiving/Christmas/Cruise weight within a couple of weeks.

Wrong.

If there is one thing I've learned from getting in shape is that having a good mental outlook is critical. When you're stressed you're more likely to eat or, to make matters worse, psyche yourself out of losing weight no matter how hard you try. I got to that point yesterday.

I handle the stresses of life quite well, at least I think I do. Thomas and I got through our move without divorcing each other. Work hasn't changed much at all. Life is just as great as it always is. One difference though, I got lazy and stopped putting effort into my workouts. I ate things I shouldn't have been eating. I was drinking more than usual. All of that equals pounds put back on. So I immediately put myself under the stress of getting rid of those pounds as quick as possible. In turn, my body and my metabolism gave me the middle finger. In two weeks, I had lost a pound. One single pound.

Yesterday I spent most of my morning thinking about what I was doing wrong. I was achy from head to toe from pushing myself at the gym. I was hungry even though I had plenty of healthy clean food within my reach. I had busted my ass at the gym every day for two weeks and there was no pay off. In desperation I began to scour the internet in search of the latest and greatest in weight loss pills. I had officially plateaued and no matter how much I ate or didn't eat or how much I lifted or sweat, I was at a dead end. I was both physically and mentally exhausted.

When you're strength and weight training and you hit a plateau you have two choices - either eat a cheat meal to throw your body back into fat burning mode or change up your routine. I chose the latter. I chose to change up my routine by going home after work yesterday and resting. I ate an extremely healthy dinner and got some sleep. It was exactly what I needed to reset my brain. I woke up this morning to a smaller number on the scale and a good outlook for tonight's workout.

There is a very fine line between putting pressure on yourself to lose weight and having a goal weight in mind. I get frustrated with myself when I don't squat what I think I should, or when I don't lose what I think I should lose. The body is directly affected by the mind, and if the mind isn't right the body will react negatively. I've set a new short term and long term goal for myself and at this point I'm confident I'll hit them both. However, I need to remember that it took a long time to gain the weight and it may take a long time to lose it. Some times it's quite okay to sit back, reset, and give myself credit for what I've already accomplished.

Suck It, Winter

2010-02-11T12:56:00.005-06:00

The settling in to the new place is coming along quite nicely. We finally took some time to hang some stuff on the walls and even went furniture shopping. Surprisingly we both agreed on a numerous amount of living sets and more than likely we'll be buying in the near future.

No matter where we live there will always be a place in our home for this sign.

Every time I look at it I am instantly reminded of my girls, Elle and Princess. I miss y'all. *weep*

------------

After a week of moving and unpacking and bickering we decided a night on the town with friends was needed. The best Chinese food in town, beers, good friends, and laughs was soul healing.

------------

Me: Hey! Wouldn't it be great if we had under cabinet lights in the kitchen? It would be so nice!

Thomas: Yea, sure. I can do that.

Two trips to Home Depot, a few curse words, and four hours later...

It's absolutely beautiful and I am THRILLED with the outcome. However, we both came to a mutual decision that there would be no way in HELL we would take them with us when we eventually move. Those suckers are in there FO LIFE.

------------

Thomas and I aren't big football fans and decided to pass on the watching of The Super Bowl. BUT, we did take advantage of the 50 nuggets for $10 deal. BEHOLD!

That right there is a box full of fat filled and delicious lovin'. And before you even ask, yes we did split it and no we did not split the fries. Thomas got us our OWN fries. Super sized. Because I do not, I repeat, I DO NOT share fries. I don't care if you're my best friend, a homeless starving person on the street, or the man I vowed to spend the rest of my life with. I will not share my fries with you.

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I am a simple person when it comes to jewelry. I like classic designs, silver or white gold, and beautiful pieces that will go with almost anything. My friend Tracy at Minty Mocha Designs has a great on-line jewelry store where she makes each piece by hand. She even gives the pieces cute names!

One day she posted these and I absolutely HAD to have them. Her, being super awesome, sent them to me right away and they are adorable. They are a bit smaller than they appear which only makes me love them more. Fantastic job, Tracy!

------------

Um, I would like to know who in the holy HELL told Texas that it was winter. Because this is some bullshit.

It's been snowing all day. Literally. And according to our local news we all just may die. But see, this crap is exactly why I moved to Texas from Missouri. To AVOID snow. However, winter has made me it's bitch this year. Yes, I know that other parts of the country have been absolutely DUMPED on recently and they're out of power and food and blah blah but really, I expected better from my state.

Stay warm, folks.

Helloooooo Club 1312

2010-02-05T12:54:00.003-06:00

We moved. Every piece of furniture and every box we lifted and hauled ourselves. That may not sound all that bad to most people but those people haven't tried to lift our 800lb television and the just as bad armoire that it goes in.

We managed to get everything done with minimal amounts of bickering. I consider a move where at the end you don't hate your spouse to be a success. Did we have varying opinions about where important items go? Sure we did. That argument about where exactly the silverware should go in the kitchen was totally called-for. And let us never speak of the Furniture Placement Incident. Suffice it to say, I am completely nutty butters and Thomas should be considered a Saint for having to deal with me and my OCD/I am a woman and I like things to match/I cannot mentally handle that the living room window is UN-FUCKING-EVEN on the living room wall.

I hate moving.

We are unpacked and settling in nicely. Both of us are enjoying our much MUCH shorter commutes to work and the dogs are enjoying the fact that there are new smells EVERYWHERE and they MUST be smelled this damn INSTANT. I swear their nostrils are working overtime right now.

I have to admit, this apartment is kinda creeping me out. I have yet to hear any neighbors. Not a child screaming, or snoring, or even a door slamming. It's like we live in a house! But without the backyard and the right to put pink flamingos in the front yard.

This apartment and it's spaciousness is downright glorious. We have ROOM. Almost more room than we know what to do with. And what do we need to do to fill up all that extra space? You guessed it. We need to go furniture shopping. I cannot WAIT for that argument.

Movin' On Up

2010-01-25T22:20:00.004-06:00

The apartment is practically empty. The walls are bare and the kitchen contains only the essentials to survive over the next few days. Saturday is moving day.

I remember the first night I spent in this apartment. I unpacked most of the day and when I couldn't take anymore I drank a few beers until I eventually fell asleep on my loveseat. I was exhausted, both physically and emotionally. I woke up the next morning with that panicked feeling that you get when you're not sure where you are or how you got there.

Over the next few days the place started to grow on me. It was comfortable, and more than anything, it was affordable. It wasn't anywhere near the 1800+ square feet I had come to love in my old house but it was mine, all mine. It was the first apartment I had ever gotten by myself.

Over the next few months this apartment welcomed old friends and helped me make new ones. This was the place where Thomas cooked for me for the very first time. This was the place that we spent every weekend together.

Eventually Thomas would move in and we learned to work around each other in the tiny kitchen and bathroom. This was the place where we began our lives together.

Thomas and I have been planning this upcoming move to bigger and better things for a while now. Closer to both of our jobs and more space for the dogs to stretch out, we've found our replacement. Now it's time to leave.

Even with the noisy neighbors and the steady decline of good tenants this apartment has been good to me. It saw two major life changes for me -the beginning of my single-hood and the end of it.

I am so looking forward to the move on Saturday because I know that Thomas and I will be incredibly happy in our new home but I will always remember #812 with very fond memories.

Things I Learned While on Vacation

2010-01-20T19:00:00.002-06:00

1. Never ever take a cruise in the dead of winter. My luck is such that an unusual cold snap will take over most of the country and our counterparts to the South. This makes for cold road trips, cold ocean water, and choppy water conditions.

Also, I am apparently prone to sea-sickness when on a boat that rocks back and forth like me on a drunken binge.

Note the jackets on and red tipped noses. We may be on a boat but we're freezing our asses off.

2. There's always a reason why something is just a tad too cheap. I swear to the sweet baby Jesus himself being on that ship was like being in a floating Walmart for five days. Babies screaming, kids running, horribly ugly women walking around in their housecoats and slippers. It was like all the trailer parks in Texas got together on one ship to ravage the all-you-can-gorge buffet and take part in the embarrassing karaoke version of "My Humps". The food on the ship was incredibly "meh" and it was more about quantity rather than quality. Then again after seeing how some of my fellow cruisers were wolfing down the food like it was their last day on earth I wouldn't be surprised if there was an emergency case of Wolf Brand chili and hotdogs somewhere hidden just in case we ran out of food and the hungry hillbilly natives got restless.

Thomas enjoying one of the more finer foods on board the ship - soft serve ice cream FTW!

3. After a full and sickening day at sea getting off the ship and getting drunk with strangers is glorious. Also, duty free shopping is one of my new favorite past-times. Buying Mexican Camel Lights for $15.00 a carton made me shed a tear of happiness.

At this particular beach break the Coronas were "all-you-can-drink", so I did.

4. We may be a bunch of white people but we can sure as shit shake a tail feather when we're three sheets to the wind.

5. Towel creatures are fucking creepy.

6. Cruise booze is expensive. A bucket of four beers will cost you a whopping $22.00. $22.00! For FOUR BEERS! A MaiTai will run you about $8.75 and a double Jack and Coke will require you to give up your first born. However, taking photos of yourself with those little umbrellas behind your ears is priceless and extremely hilarious, when you're drunk.

7. After spending hundreds upon hundreds of dollars in booze on the ship when they offer you free drinks for an hour TAKE ADVANTAGE OF IT.

8. I am the motherfucking QUEEN of the self-portrait.

9. The more the merrier. I love my husband, I love my in-laws, and I love my friends. This vacation was just what the doctor ordered for all of us. Were there some rough times on the trip? Sure, if you count the sea sickness and the horrible food and the cold and the cabin fever. But in the end we all made each other laugh. We all had a fabulous time. In fact, we were having such a fabulous time that we ended up adopting more people into our group who saw how much fun WE were having and just had to join us. What can I say? We're likable people.

10. No matter what, sunny beach breaks with unlimited drinks makes everything a-okay in my book.

11. Turning 29 isn't so bad when you get to spend it with the ones that you heart the most. A pot of melted chocolate REALLY helps as well and then maybe a beer or 20.

Gone Fishin'

2010-01-07T09:56:00.001-06:00

Fleeing from the cold to much warmer climates. Don't worry, there will be pictures.

Not A Resolution

2010-01-04T14:11:00.004-06:00

I don't really do new year resolutions. Usually resolutions are selfish in nature. To do or to be better as a person. If I'm going to quit smoking it's not going to be on a day in which I'm painfully hungover. On that day smoking will be one of the few things I will need to get through the day without murdering someone. Technically I don't diet anymore so we can throw that resolution out the window as well. I already work out. I'm already a good person. I am organized and always on time.

However, I made a silent resolution without even really meaning to do so.

Thomas and I belong to a very large public forum/message board. Neither of us are major posters, instead we prefer to lurk in the shadows and wait for drama or lulz. After being on this forum for over a year now you tend to see the same people posting over and over. You recognize user names and avatars. You actually get to know who these people are just by reading what they've got to say, even if it isn't aimed directly at you. This past week a major contributor/popular member passed away very unexpectedly. He was young, newly married, and very well liked. His wife, also a member of the forum, is (understandably) inconsolable.

I instantly felt sorrow for his wife. She is lost in a sea of mourning and grief.

In one way or another I deal with death almost every day. Except I deal with the financial side of dying. I help people pass on wealth to their loved ones, or at least make sure they are not a financial burden on them. While I myself have a healthy fear of dying young I almost always forget that those I love dearly have their own expiration dates. I usually don't put much thought into it but the thought of losing Thomas takes my breath away. The thought of losing any one of my friends or family makes me want to grip my stomach. Of course I have zero control over any of it but that's not my point. My point is to be more aware and to be more apparent in the lives of those that I love and cherish.

While reading through post after post in the thread that announced that young man's death so many people responded with memories but so many others posted regrets that they hadn't seen him in so long, or hadn't had the chance to say what they wanted to say to him. I don't want that to happen to me. I want every single person who I love to know that I think about them every day and even if I don't always show it I do try. I try to be the good listener, the good friend, the best wife I can possibly be. I know I fail from time to time but my intentions are there.

Call this what you will. A promise, a resolution, an agreement with myself, but it is what it is. An increased effort to be a better (insert role here). And since I believe resolutions are selfish this isn't about bettering myself necessarily, it's about bettering the lives of the people I love. It's about letting them know they are my life. It's about letting them know they are special. It's about forgetting about myself and making those people my top priority. In the end we all win.

My Year In Pictures (For The Most Part)

2009-12-30T13:36:00.000-06:00

January -

What a way to start off the new year. Dancing, drinking, laughing, doin the stanky leg and the single ladies dance. It was by far the best New Year's Even party I have ever been to in my life.

My birthday came and went and nothing bad happened! In fact, it was a fantastic birthday. The best evar. I was showered with gifts and love and even received my first lap dance. I could've done without the lap dance.

February and March -

Thomas and I started to quietly plan our wedding and get details in order. We continued to work out on a regular basis but we seemed to be treading water. It would be another month before we started to hit it hard.

April -

We hit up our not-so-local Ren Fest for wenches and beers and anything that had "ye olde" something or other in it. I got to hold my first piglet and Thomas got to play with swords. All in all I think it was a successful trip.

May -

May was the kick-off of what turned out to be an amazing summer. Trips to AZ for a SWMH Club meeting. Seeing my baby sister graduate from high school. Good times with great friends and lots and lots of beer. Summer = beer drinking, it's just the way it is.

Thomas and I announced our engagement to our families in May. With a wedding date and location set we knew that it was time to continue stepping up our gym game. We worked hard, every single day, and it was really starting to pay off.

June and July -

Picking out a wedding dress, continuing to work out, willing the months to pass so we could get to the end of September. Thankful that summer was in full force we spent a good amount of time sitting by a pool. Thomas and I properly celebrated our first year together by stuffing our faces with tasty food and thanking our lucky stars that we found each other.

August -

One month away from the wedding and we were beyond excited. At this point I started seeing noticeable changes in my body after working out so hard over the summer. Feeling fantastic and elated that we were hitting our goals. Seeing a concert with friends and enjoying our last bit of summer.

September -

FINALLY! September was here! Oktoberfest and Vegas! There was a lot of beer and food consumed in September.

Surrounded by the people we love we said our vows. I have never been more happy in my entire life! I am still so touched that every one came. I have so many wonderful memories and I am thankful every single day that we are so loved.

October -

With summer officially over and the warm weather making it's way out of town we hit the Texas State Fair for fried foods and more good memories. We were most definitely enjoying married life.

November -

We stuffed our faces at Thomas' parent's house for Thanksgiving and booked ourselves a cruise for much warmer destinations. With the weather getting more and more chilly out Cozumel in January was starting to sound like a fabulous idea.

December -

The last month of the year had finally come! Christmas parties spent with friends. A quiet and uneventful Christmas at Thomas' parent's house. And finally Thomas' birthday. We now look forward to New Year's Eve and another party guaranteed to rock our faces off.

-----

I know everyone says how they can't believe how quickly the last year as flown and how SOOOOO much has happened to them in that year and blah blah blah, but in my case it's absolutely TRUE.

When I was going through all of our pictures to prepare for this post I was amazed at the number of months in which we didn't take a single picture. This whole year was a blur. A wonderful blur. We seemed to cram a lifetime of memories into 365 days but we still have so many more memories to make.

Thank you to my beautiful friends for making this yet another year to remember.

Thank you to my husband for being my dream come true. I love you.

Good-bye 2009, I will remember you fondly.

From Me And Mine

2009-12-24T00:00:00.000-06:00

To you and yours,

To those of you who celebrate it, Merry Christmas. To those of you who don't, I'll drink your share of the eggnog. I'll take the fruitcake too.

What? I like fruitcake. It's tasty. Don't judge me.

Love,
Mo

Christmastime Gives Me An Excuse To Consume Bad Things

2009-12-21T15:36:00.006-06:00

Other than buttermilk or liquefied Crisco it seems that eggnog is one of the most fattiest products you can drink. I don't know about you but I'm not a huge fan of buttermilk and drinking Crisco may sound like fun but I'll bet it's not all that tasty. However, I can imagine the internal lubrication and the constant moisturized skin would be lovely.

Eggnog brings back fond memories for me. As far back as I can remember, starting on Thanksgiving, my grandmother would always have a carton of eggnog in her fridge. I would pour myself a small glass and sip it because if I drank too much at one sitting I would just puke it all up and really, that's just being wasteful. Me being... well me at the time I didn't know this and was told, "Hey! Stop drinking all the goddamned eggnog in one sitting. All yer gonna do is throw it up. One small glass at a time!" Trust me when I say this was done all in a soft tone and out of love. She had referred to me as "Hey!" and not as my full name so that meant the level of shit I was in was lower than average. As we all know, when our elders scream out our full names it's time to hide in the closet and pray to the deity of your choice that you don't get a whoopin. Also, quickly prepare a story of exactly how you didn't do whatever it is you're about to get in trouble for. Anyways, my love affair with eggnog is long and full of fond (and not so fond) memories.

Not so fond memory being that one time on Christmas Eve when I thought it would be hilarious if I snuck some rum into my eggnog. Seeing as how the smell of the nog would cover the smell of the booze no one would be the wiser! Heh. No one was the wiser until I started acting like a drunk and slurring my words. Drinking was never considered a big deal in my family, especially on holidays that required us to interact with each other for hours at a time, and more than likely my mother figured that I would realize the next morning just exactly how much I would live to regret that decision to spike the eggnog. She was right. There's nothing worse than having your three year old sister wake you up in at 5 in the morning because, "OMG Santa Claus came!" and hauling your 14 year-old hungover butt outta bed to open gifts when you feel like death. And so began my hatred for hangovers and really, shouldn't I have learned my lesson by now?

Each year at Christmas I look forward to purchasing that one carton of eggnog to savor. Seeing as how most people I know loathe the creamy egg filled deliciousness made by the hands of Jesus himself I can usually assume I will get the whole thing to myself. This year is no different. I have been fighting the 'nog craving for weeks now and yesterday I gave in. With the excuse that I would save it to take to the in-laws house on Christmas I was more than willing to share my treat. However, I learned that none of my in-laws liked eggnog. It's a Christmas miracle! Thank you sweet baby Jesus! With that knowledge and with my craving finally getting the better of me I busted into that cold jug. Poured myself a big glass and happily sat in bed and sipped it. Well at first I sipped it, then gulped it down and the best part is... I didn't even feel guilty about it. It's full of calories and sugar and fat and everything that is bad for me but I didn't care. It was so very very tasty.

I have a feeling the eggnog won't last the week.

Now I've shared my favorite Christmas treat, so what's yours? What do you absolutely HAVE to have?

Blocked

2009-12-15T14:30:00.001-06:00

I am currently suffering from an incredibly awful case of Blogger's Block. In order to get over this I plan to throw out random bullcrap just to see if this gets me over the hump. If it does, Hurrah! If it doesn't, well shit, I dunno.

From the 'I'm the best wife in the history of evar' file:

Thomas has been wanting some bling for a while now. We've wondered from shop to shop, store to store, trying to find the perfect accessory for him. You know the one. Blingy, yet not too blingy. Shiny, but something that doesn't scream, "Hey! I'm a guido! Just need a pinky ring and more chest hair and I'm good to go!". What better way to show your love for all things jewelry while still maintaining your non-douchebag status than to sport some lovely baby blue box bling?

Yes, I know, it's perfect. And even though his birthday isn't for another couple of weeks I couldn't contain my excitement. The day it arrived in the mail I proudly handed him the beautiful box and watched his jaw hit the ground. He knew exactly what it was before he even opened it.

Note the pillow the bracelet came wrapped around. In some places you buy a bracelet and it comes wired down to come piece of velvet lined cardboard. When you buy from Tiffany it comes with it's own PILLOW. And bag. AND box. Lord.Have.Mercy.

From the 'I too am growing tired of talking/hearing about my own weight loss' file:

I can't help it though, it's like I'm obsessed with it. I would bet you that I think about calories and carbs and protein and calories spent and workout routines at LEAST 8-9 hours a day. The rest of the time is filled with eating, sleeping, doing actual work, staring at the TV mindlessly, Mafia Wars, sex, and/or sleeping.

The eating itself is completely insane. I HAVE to eat in order to lose weight. Seriously. How insane is that?! It used to be that I would go one or two days without eating and I'd drop 10lbs like it was nothing. Now? HA! Yea, right. Now if I don't eat, I don't lose weight. I don't gain muscle, I don't lose fat.

Yes, I realize this is not a scientific breakthrough on my part. This has been known for many a years, BUT it's new to me.

I am so very very close to a HUGE goal. So close I can smell it, I can see it. It's hard though. If my eating isn't right I lose all energy. If I eat too much I feel weight down. Eat too little I barely have the strength to lift that curl bar once, let alone the three dozen times I'm supposed to. It's frustrating and exciting all at the same time.

The world outside of our home is a cruel place. Everywhere we turn is food that we shouldn't eat. Food that we can't eat. By can't I mean we can, but unless we want to live on Gaviscon and Pepto the rest of the night it's better that we abstain.

From the 'It's about damn time' file:

Let's all congratulate Thomas on his new writing endeavor - The Quest to be Broly: True Tales From A Non-Gym Rat.

In this blog we will follow my fabulous husband in his quest to become stronger, fitter, an healthier. However, not sexier because, you know, he's already at max capacity for that.

He is funny and witty and there are pictures! So go read it, dammit.

From the 'Welcome to Texas! Now let's drink beer and play with firearms' file:

Last weekend was my annual office Christmas party out on a ranch in the middle of nowhere. The greatest thing about being in the middle of nowhere is you can have bad aim and worst case scenario you might shoot a tree. Or a cow. Whichever.

You may find the entire set of photos here but these are a few of my favorites:

It was cold out there. Like super duper freezing red nose cold. The booze and the Baileys in my coffee definitely helped.

I think someone was feeling pretty good at this point. We all headed out to the field to get our shootin' on.

Moo

He is so very very gangster.

Ugh. Seriously. Must I cheese it up in every single fucking picture?

There we go. Much better. Bad ass status: Confirmed!

Speaking of bad asses...

The bad assness was short lived. Oh well. At least I look cute with my pink gun.

We are so super cute. Finished shooting, heading back to the house for warmth. And more beer.

I Heart Food Filled Holidays

2009-11-25T10:05:00.005-06:00

Yes, this is a Thanksgiving post. Yes, I realize it's a day early but come on, who has time to blog on Thanksgiving? I plan to have my butt parked on the couch watching the parade, sippin' on coffee, and waiting to head to the in-laws so I can finally eat some damn turkey and stuffing.

Do you know how long it's been since I've had stuffing?

DO YOU?

It's been a long time and my heart aches for it's carb-filled deliciousness.

Over the last week the internet has been filled with the "I'm thankful" posts. From blogs to Facebook people have been giving thanks for the blessings in their lives. Small ones, big ones, funny ones, and touching ones. So this is me, jumping on the internet bandwagon, giving thanks.

I am thankful for...

- The roof over my head, the healthy food in my belly, and the secure job that provides those.

- My health.

- My beautiful, funny, confident, and fabulous friends. Each one of them inspires me each and every day. They are the wind beneath my bingo wings.

- Family, both related by blood and by marriage. Even when they annoy me to point of contemplating homicide, or at least researching which less than stellar retirement home I will put them in one day, I still love each and every one of them.

- Thomas, the man I would move mountains for. The man who loves me fiercely, makes me laugh like no other, takes care of me, and proves to me each and every day that he would do anything for me. Without him I don't know where I'd be, but I can guarantee you that I wouldn't be near as happy and healthy as I am right now. He is my rock, my support system, the Ben to my Jerry's, my soulmate. The man I am proud to call my husband.

Happy Gobble Gobble Day, everyone!

*Edit*

I had to take time away from couch sitting and parade watching to update this post. Today is not only Thanksgiving but also our two month wedding anniversary. I received this note from Thomas in my inbox this morning:

"I know there are all the cliche things that people say they are thankful for but I wanted to write this note special for you.

It's been a while since I could really say I was thankful for anything significant. I've got my health, family, a good job and the typical things but this year specifically I have you in my life to be thankful for. You were an unwavering guiding light during the difficult times and a solid foundation for me to rebuild my life. I am unequivocally thankful that life is with you.

You are the parts of me that were missing for so long and I have realized that I lost myself somewhere along the way in the past. Together we have regained our identities and found ourselves again and, in many ways, found out more about ourselves than we may have imagined. Everything I do is for us, for you and for our lives to hopefully be enriched by my actions. I'm thankful for having you there to appreciate every part of who I am and what we are becoming as husband and wife. In taking some cues from our favorite Tuesday night show, our journey is never ending, constantly changing and becoming better as the days and weeks pass. I could never be who I am today without you, my love. You are my soul mate, my best friend, my workout partner, my inspiration, my reason for everything I do and, most importantly, my wife. I'm sure you know by now that there are no lengths I wouldn't go to ensure your happiness and provide you with everything you deserve. I hope I never fail and that will forever be my greatest fear but that is my burden to bear.

I'm excited about what is to come and thankful for everything that has been. I love you with everything that I am. You are my life, my love, my wife....my Queen.

With eternal love and affection,

Thomas"

Once again I am reminded how lucky I am and how thankful I am to have that man in my life. I am wishing everyone the very best this Thanksgiving. May you be surrounded by the ones you love, may your plate be full, and may you always remember what you're thankful for.

Pro Tip

2009-11-23T10:13:00.003-06:00

If you carry a purse and in this purse you carry around a few different bottles of medications AND those bottles tend to be the same in color and size, please take my advice: Don't be a retard and not look at the labels before taking pills or else you might end up taking two caffeine pills instead of two Midols like you had originally intended. And then you'll end up wired like a methhead on a binge WITH some cramping, bloating, and irritability.

Thatisall.

I Feel Pretty...Oh So Pretty...The Lower Half At Least

2009-11-19T12:29:00.002-06:00

After HOURS of scanning the intarwebz I FINALLY found a bathing suit I didn't entirely loathe, courtesy of Victoria's Secret. I didn't have to spend a fortune on it, I even got free shipping too. It was perfect. Until I put it on.

I had tried to order what I THOUGHT would fit me properly but apparently I over-estimated the size of my ass and UNDER-estimated the size of my torso. Whoops! So when I put it on a basically looked like a lumpy sausage with a baggy ass.

I.am.so.hot.

Needless to say, that suit is going back.

This is where I give MAD props to VS and their system. I found another suit online, called their number, and they are sending it to me with no shipping, AND it took all of about 5 minutes. Dear God I hope this one fits me or else...well I don't know but SOMETHING will happen! More than likely I'll throw myself on the floor and cry like a toddler. Or maybe I'll grow up and just re-order another damn suit. Whichever.

In other news, I am excited to report that there are 51 days til my fine Victoria's Secret swimsuit clad ass will be on A BOAT headed for Mexico. I.CANNOT.WAIT.

Stuff

2009-11-10T12:32:00.002-06:00

If you own a dog, any kind of dog but especially large breed dogs, please heed this advice: Be ye not as stupid as I and buy some effing pet insurance. Miss Delighla has gone and ruptured the ACL in her knee. After speaking with the vet and with a kind receptionist with a chic South African accent at the orthopedic veterinary specialist's office AND learning that a surgery that MAY (that means it MAY NOT) return her to 100% AND that chances are, if she has this surgery, that she might then injure her other leg in the same fashion AND also learning that this particular surgery is about $3,000.00 (yes, you read that correctly. it's THREE THOUSAND DOLLARS OMFG.) Thomas and I have decided to take other measures. With restricting her activity, watching her closely, and giving her medication I am hoping this non-invasive and gentle approach to healing is going to work. She's not in pain, she eats like a horse, her behavior and demeanor hasn't changed a bit. She's just got a little limp.

You wanna know the best part though? Even if I buy pet insurance now and even if I have the surgery done for her, the pet insurance will not cover the other knee if it goes out as well. HOW AWESOME IS THAT?!

And get this shit right here, people - the orthopedic specialist? He works for a group. This group has four locations in Dallas AND they have cornered the extremely profitable market in orthopedic surgery for dogs! There are no other surgeons in the area that are not a part of this particular group! Now, isn't that just special?

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Tell me something, how in good conscience can a store sell a bathing suit for more than $50?

I have to be on a boat headed toward the Caribbean in 60 days. I have to find a suitable and attractive swimsuit to wear on said boat for 5 days. I would LIKE to find one that isn't going to cost me a goddamned car payment.

Also, the people who design these suits are either blind or fucking retarded because the patterns SUCK. I'm sorry, leopard print on a tankini is NOT attractive. Horizontal stripes? HELLO! Unless you're a size zero with a love for purging your meals then horizontal stripes are going to ALWAYS make you look bigger than you really are.

Once again, men have it so easy. Nobody cares what they wear, as long as it isn't some thonged zebra-striped banana hammock. Throw on some trunks and some flip-flops and they're GOLDEN but us lady folk? We've got to wade through the halters and the strings and the v-necks and everything else to find something that won't make us look like Shamu on spring break AND THEN pay an arm and a leg for it.

Good Lord.

-------------------------------------------------------------------

To my neighbors upstairs,

I hate you. I hate you. I hate you.

And I hate your kid.

xoxo,
The people below you who can HEAR YOU SNORE and who purposefully have loud sex in the hopes that it wakes your brat up

I'm An Ass

2009-11-04T15:32:00.004-06:00

At the optometrist office, chit-chatting with my doctor while she fills out paperwork on me...

Her: "So I see we're changing your last name."

Me, giggly/gushing/bragging: "Yup! Just got married last month and it's been absolutely wonderful! Are you married?!"

Her, face fallen/perturbed: "I'm newly divorced."

Me, asshole: "Oh. I'm sorry?"

Her, silently hating me: "Thank you."

Me: *mentally slaps my own forehead*

Well, Is It?

2009-10-29T16:32:00.004-05:00

Is it weird that even though I hate myself for scrap-booking our wedding that I get a sense of accomplishment after I finish working on a page? Six pages down, only 111ty pages to go...

Is it weird that I thank my immune system every morning when I wake up that I haven't gotten the slightest bit ill lately? With everyone around me coming down with something every day you would think that I would be lying in bed, dying a slow death but not feeling a thing thanks to the wonder that is NyQuil. All hail my immune system!

Is it weird that when I found out from a cousin that my father's mother had died last week that I didn't really feel a thing? I've only met her a handful of times in my entire life and I'm sure she was a great woman but when someone you're related to by blood just up and dies I would certainly think I would feel something about it.

Is it wrong of me to quietly cheer on the people on Twitter who call my mother out on her bullshit? There are a number of people on Twitter that loathe my mother. Mostly because she's a bigot and prefers the caps lock a little too much, but also because she never.shuts.up. I'm almost certain if she could she would "tweet" all day long. Thankfully Twitter was smart enough to put limits on the amounts of "tweets" one can "twitter" throughout the day. And with that I feel like a gigantic douche for even knowing those terms.

Is it strange that I go to a certain nail salon because the owner not only speaks perfect English but also because he works alone most of the time and I feel better knowing he's not talking about me, in a language I don't understand, to someone else?

Another Goal To Achieve

2009-10-20T11:34:00.003-05:00

Six months ago all I wanted to do was get to the point where I could comfortably fit into my wedding dress. While I had my cheat days (and sometimes cheat weekends) I still managed to achieve my goal. And while the size I wore in Vegas was one size more than I wanted to be when we set foot on The Strip I was content with myself and what I had accomplished. I worked my ass off, literally, to get to that point.

Now it's time to move on to the next goal - being happy with myself, in a bathing suit, for the cruise.

I have 81 days before we step foot on the boat. I am giving myself 70 days to reach, what I think, is a reasonable and attainable weight amount. I have a new workout routine that seems to be working and I'm back to eating clean and healthy meals. I am absolutely determined to be one size smaller by January than I am right now.

If you'd like to know what routine I'm currently trying check out SixPackApp.com. I'm focusing on the Push/Pull routine at the moment.

My Day Off And We Start Another Countdown

2009-10-19T13:57:00.002-05:00

Have I mentioned lately how much I heart my in-laws? I'm not even kidding either. These people are absolutely amazing. We can show up any time. They feed us. They give us beer. And then? They make us laugh. A LOT. Oh and then they offer to pay for a cruise for us for a wedding gift! Yea, read that again. A 5 day cruise to the Caribbean in January. Paid for. WOOOO!

82 days to go...

I woke up this morning and I just couldn't do it. You know those days where you're sitting in bed and having that argument in your head about whether you should just get your ass up and shower or stay in bed and sleep? I did that at 6:00 this morning. The lazy-skip-working-cause-it's-Monday-and-fuck-Mondays-Mo-won. I love that Mo. She's my favorite.

Because I absolutely loathe daytime television I've been cleaning since noon. Channeling my inner Monica Gellar and Danny Tanner I'm kicking dust bunny ass today. It's amazing what you can get accomplished when you don't have that 8 hour workday getting in the way.

I Would Like Some Cheese With My Whine

2009-10-14T22:13:00.001-05:00

It's been almost three weeks since our trip to Vegas and ever since our return I've had something gnawing at me. Like that fly that gets in your house and then dive bombs your head or lands on your Dr Pepper can, it's annoying. Infuriating even. To the point where you'd rather burn down your entire house than use a fly swatter to kill the little bastard. Or maybe it's just me and my anger management abilities.

I'm about ready to burn the mental house down.

What has been gnawing at me is my family. Specifically my mother and my grandmother. To make matters worse (or is it better? I can't tell.) is that neither of them have any inclination. It's business as usual.

I wrote about my family's lack of enthusiasm before the Vegas trip. Hell, it took them twice as long to book as it did everyone else who came along. I even said to Thomas that I just hoped, when it was all said and done, that I didn't end up regretting inviting them. I wish it wasn't the case, but a part of me does regret it.

I had such an amazing time in Las Vegas on our trip. I was surrounded by wonderful people almost constantly and I felt nothing but love from them. However, I did not feel this way when my mother and grandmother joined us, when they chose to and to be honest it wasn't very often or for very long. I wasn't concerned about their behavior or if I would be embarrassed by them. How they act is not a reflection on me, it's on them.

What bothered me was the way my mother tried to control a situation (and our vacation) when she had no right to do so. For example, when Thomas and I landed she informed me, through my sister via text message, that I was to give them a two hour notice if I wanted them to be some where. Without the two hour notice they would stay in their rooms, un-showered all day, and would not bother themselves with showing up. When I did give them several hours notice during the trip they still chose to not participate.

What bothered me was how negative and insulting and full of complaints they were. Example: "Las Vegas is too hot" "We're still on central time and at 8PM we are starving. I can't believe that you want us to wait this long to eat" "Those shoes are slutty" "I can't believe I spent this much money to get my hair done for this wedding"

What bothered me was how my mother chewed with her mouth open and talked with food in her mouth during dinner one night while sitting across from my dear friends.

What bothered me was when I told her - after only being around her for a mere 45 minutes and had already taken on several complaints and one or two insults - was that I really hoped she behaved like that the following night while she was eating the gourmet meal I was paying for.

I hit below the belt.

At the time the shock on her face and the redness in her cheeks was worth it but now that I look back on it it wasn't worth it. We were going to be surprising everyone with the meal. Originally we had asked everyone to pay for their meal at this particular restaurant but things changed and we had decided to make it a surprise for everyone instead. Unfortunately people found out here and there and only a handful didn't know. I wanted it to be a nice gift for them. A 'Thank You' for being there. For coming so far just for us. Instead my anger ruined it and it went from being a gift to more like a slap in the face.

I was angry at myself for letting them get to me. I was angry at myself for letting them attempt to ruin my night. I was grateful when the meal was finished and I chose to walk away from my grandmother and my mother. With my fake smile plastered on my face and the half-hearted hug goodbye with the statement that I was looking forward to seeing them the next day. Thankfully I was swept away by my then fiancee and gaggle of friends to celebrate our last night as two single people.

The day of the wedding my mom committed my numero UNO pet peeve - she was late. Not just once. She was late to the appointment to get her hair done. The one SHE called me and asked ME to set up for her. She was late meeting the group before the limo arrived. Her, my grandmother, and my sister walked up just as the limo was arriving and then seemed to be irritated at me because I did not immediately tell her how pretty I thought she was. Instead of her telling me how beautiful she thought I was in my wedding dress all done up (with perfect hair AND make-up may I add) the attention had to be put on her. When we came back to the hotel to wait for dinner she insisted on returning back to her own hotel so my grandmother could change clothes. I had told her over and over and OVER again to be there shortly before 6PM to be seated for dinner. 6 arrived and all of us were seated at the table. My family was not there. Of course they weren't. Even though she had almost two HOURS to do whatever it was she had to do she was still late. They eventually waltzed in around 15 after 6. I will refrain from going into how she had a conversation at the dinner table with my in-laws about a subject that I expressly and courteously asked her not to have. One in which she promised me she would not broach.

By the time the trip was over I had had my fill of my mother. I was angry, and obviously I'm still angry. We haven't really spoken since we both came home. She's gone back to her constant ranting about politics and I've gone on doing what I was doing before Vegas. This past weekend Thomas and I went to a store and carefully picked out large and beautiful frames for our families. Tomorrow I will mail out a framed photo to my mother and my grandmother along with a thank you note telling them how grateful we are that they came to be with us on our wedding day. I want them to know that even though they did not live up to whatever expectations I had set for them inside my own mind I did appreciate the effort they put forth to actually get out of the house and come to our wedding.

I realize that I'm kind of being a big baby about this whole thing. I mean really, who doesn't really dislike their parents from time to time? This is nothing new, especially for me, but it needed to be said. I needed to get it off my chest and hopefully when I put these words out there I can finally lay it to rest and move on. I will eventually get over this, it'll just take some time.

In the end our wedding and our trip was wonderful, magical even. The people we love, and who love us back, were there 100% in spirit and it showed. For those of you who read this and were there, thank you. Thank you for supporting us. Thank you for snapping me out of it and reminding me that Thomas and I were there for ourselves and were there for fun. Thank you for distracting me with shiny things and alcohol and for making me laugh even as I was crying. Thank you thank you thank you.

P.S. And thank you to Thomas for not telling me to suck it up but instead listening to me rant, holding me when I cried, and for being a wonderful husband even before we said "I do".

Eff Em Elle

2009-10-12T15:34:00.003-05:00

It started out so innocently.

"I think I'll have some pictures printed from the trip to Vegas and make us a nice photo album!"

Then it got bigger...

Cashier at Michael's after spending two hours searching for an album and then stickers and then card stock and then glue and then frames,

"That'll be $189.00, please."

Now it's just gotten out of hand. I went to Hobby Lobby today on my lunch break.

Sweet Baby Jesus, help me.

Thursday Hates

2009-10-08T12:49:00.002-05:00

Soak 'em up, people.

* Humidity in October. I swear to God it's like an effing sauna in this town. My face feels greasy constantly. Like to the point where I'm almost certain that at some point in the day I blacked out and someone poured olive oil on my face and then rubbed it with a luke warm pepperoni and cheese pizza Hot Pocket. It's FALL! The air is supposed to be crisp and I should start wearing cardigans or some shit. I should NOT feel like I'm living in some third world jungle country on the fucking equator.

* Dealing with bureaucracies while trying to change my last name. For real, this is just retarded. I've had to go to three different places and stand in lines and be near the general public with their swine flu's and their children that cry and filling out this form and that form. THIS SHOULD BE EASIER! Like you go to one place on-line, submit your marriage license and pay them whatever amount of money they want and BOOM! Your last name is changed on absolutely everything.

* People who cannot leave a proper voicemail message. Seriously? It's 2009. How is it that there are people left in this world who do not know how to slowly and CLEARLY speak their name and their telephone number? Reminder to the human race: I am NOT a mind reader and if I can't understand your message, guess what? I DON'T CALL YOU BACK, SUCKA!

* People who use the word "good" when they should use "well". "Oh yea, I did real good on that one." Ugh. Did you not pay attention in 2nd grade English class or are you just that fucking retarded? Way to make yourself sound like a true uneducated hillbilly. You're gonna go far in life.

* People who park in my covered, reserved, and PAID FOR parking space outside my apartment. I hate you. I truly truly hate you. I hate you even more at 1 in the morning when we're just getting home from an awesome night out and all I want to do is get out of the car and inhale the Taco Bell we just got and then go to bed but I can't do that can I? You know why? Because you parked in my spot and unreserved parking is SHIT in our complex and it's either risk parking in what I think MAY be an unused covered parking spot OR park on the other side of the freaking complex. I hope you enjoyed that slip of paper on your windshield from my husband that informed you how very lucky you are that you're even able to drive your car away. Next time? I hope you enjoy the brick in your driver's seat.

* Your = your. You're = you are. Your != you're. Enough said. Also, if you have a full keyboard either on your phone or at your computer...please, for the love of all that is holy and good in this world, STOP using U for you.

* The people who live above us in our apartment building. There's just the two of you and a toddler. How in the HELL is it possible for you to make SO much noise constantly? Are you doing acrobatics? Working on your jumpshot? I really don't care to know what y'all do up there but I wish you would stop. Now. My pictures on the wall are crooked and I'm almost certain that one day one of you is just going to go through the floor and land in our living room. Also? I can hear you when you snore. Get some Breathe Right, homey.

Yea, I Know. It's Been Two Days.

2009-10-01T12:56:00.002-05:00

Do you realize how long it took me to get all of these pictures together? Like A WHOLE WORK DAY. Stealing pictures from your friends and putting them in order is hard freaking work.

I give you Viva Las Wedding! A Collection!

And if you haven't yet seen Elle's account of events then please do yourself a favor and read it NOW. She kissed Roy Orbison! *Heh*

I'm still processing the events from the weekend in my head. So much was happening and THANK GOD people who were more sober than myself were taking pictures so that I can go back and see what was really going on around me. We're still expecting more pictures from other friends as well and I can't wait to add them to our collection.

He Made An Honest Woman Out Of Me

2009-09-29T15:45:00.003-05:00

We are back and we are married. The End.

Ha, just kidding. Do you REALLY believe that's all I would say about the trip? Oh hellllll naw. We've got a lot to cover so go ahead and get yourself a cold one and get comfy.

First, US Airways can kiss my ass. Our departing flight was canceled and then those of us in the party were all scattered about throughout the day on different flights. Did we eventually all get there with luggage and without killing someone? Sure, but that still doesn't make up for the fact that SOMEHOW my in-laws were upgraded to first class while the groom and bride-to-be were left back in coach with the other schmucks. Did we still get free drinks on the plane because the flight attendant knew we were getting married and was an absolute doll face? Yes, yes we did. But really? First class? REALLY?

We all got to Vegas in one piece. Couple by couple we trickled into Sin City and eventually we took that damn city over. There were a total of 18 of us scattered around the strip and somehow we all managed to get together several times for drinks and dinner and gambling and just enjoy each others company.

I am still absolutely amazed at how well everyone got along. Don't get me wrong, Thomas and I don't befriend people who are dicks but when you get such a large and diverse group together you expect some people to just not like other people. This didn't happen. In the end everyone loved everyone else and what a giant ass RELIEF that was for the two of us.

We took LOTS of pictures and we had our picture taken just as much. Thankfully we have friends and family who love to take pictures of us as much as we do! Those will all be coming shortly.

The day of the wedding was both wonderful and painful for both Thomas and I. We had drank too much the night before and also ate at The Worst Buffet In Las Vegas. God knows what made us sick but it was hell. I literally thought I was going to die and I was so sad that I would die before getting to marry Thomas. That's how bad it was. However, no matter what total shit we felt like we still got ready and we still looked amazing. We got up there and said our vows and both of us almost lost it a couple of times. We have some amazing photos that we will look at and cherish forever.

We are married and I couldn't be any happier. I married my best friend, the man of my dreams, the person who makes me better. I am so thrilled at what we have in store for us in the future.

Pictures to come.

Funny How Most Of Our Weekends Involve Beer

2009-09-21T12:06:00.003-05:00

Would you like to see photos of Thomas and I and our friends drinking German beer, eating German food, and omm-pop-popping our asses off? OF COURSE YOU WOULD!!

Addison, Texas Oktoberfest 2009!

I'm not even kidding you, that was a fabulous way to spend the Saturday before we head out to Vegas. And this photo?

KILLS ME! Every.single.time.I.see.it. Best picture in the history of EVAR. It's not only the fact that these two are wearing authentic German hats and drinking authentic German beer IN TEXAS but also that the hats? THEY MATCH THEIR SHIRTS. It was totally by coincidence that it happened too. Trust me on this one.

I also find it humorous that most of our pictures are of ourselves and the people we are with totally camera whoring it up and not of actual scenery or, in this case, old white men with funny accents in short pants and suspenders. Oops.

We're Almost There

2009-09-18T10:45:00.004-05:00

Everything is done. The planning, the shopping, and the waiting. It won't be long now and we'll be off to Las Vegas. Off to meet our friends and family and off to begin our lives together as a married couple.

I plan to cherish every moment in Vegas. Look around, take it all in, and remember being there. Sure there will be video and pictures (LOTS of pictures) but the memories we keep with us are the most precious. The memories that cannot be captured in still photos.

I am marrying my best friend, the man that I love. Surrounded by people who love us. It's all so gushy and sickeningly sweet, but it's the truth. Next Saturday I will take a vow, a promise, to be the best partner in life that I can be. I look forward to making that promise and I also look forward to living that promise every day in every way that I can.

VIII

2009-09-11T14:24:00.003-05:00

Where we were on this day 8 years ago is irrelevant. What we were doing and how we felt is insignificant. The event itself is bigger than all of us who watched it from afar.

Whether you hated the terrorists for what they did or rolled your eyes at the patriotism that followed, in the end it doesn't matter. It still happened.

Who you voted for or what theories you choose to believe is not something we need to talk about.

Be quiet. Be still.

Remember that no matter what you think or feel people, innocent people, died. They died doing the exact same thing you might do. Going to work, talking on the phone in your cubicle, sitting on a plane.

Today isn't about waiving your flag and telling your story. Today is about stopping, if only for a moment, and not focusing on yourself and your feelings but thinking of those who no longer have that luxury.

Two Weeks Notice

2009-09-10T13:32:00.003-05:00

We are officially two full weeks from being in Vegas and I am absolutely AMAZED at how time has flown. It seems like only yesterday Thomas and I announced we were engaged and then decided the when and where of the occasion. I knew all the way back in May that September would be here before I knew it.

Everything is done. The shopping, the alterations, the food, music, plans. DONE. Now we wait. We wait to board our flight and we wait to make our way down the aisle. I am giddy beyond belief and I cannot wait to see everyone. I miss my family and I miss my friends. I am so very grateful they will all be there to share in our joyous day.

It won't be long now...

Hard Work Does Pay Off...Eventually

2009-08-31T16:51:00.003-05:00

I swear I'm not writing this to brag. Even though it's my blog and totally my prerogative to do so, that's not me. I am writing this as a reminder to myself of how good I feel today. How much healthier I am now. And one day when I'm feeling down on myself I can look back and see what I've accomplished. No matter how much I pout or put myself down, that at some point I hit a milestone.

Yesterday, I bought a clothing size yesterday that I haven't worn in 10 years.

TEN! YEARS!

Friday evening I picked up The Dress from the alteration shop. I stepped into it and it zipped right up. Snug in the waist and not much breathing room but I'm in it. Three months ago I couldn't do that. A month ago I barely got it zipped. Today, it fits. Next month? I'd at least like to be able to get a little more wiggle room in it. Enough so that I'll be able to actually enjoy the post-wedding meal we've got planned without needing the jaws of life to get me out of the dress afterwards.

Thomas and I went shopping over the weekend. This wasn't just your everyday pick up this and that window shopping bullshit. OH NO. This was a heavy duty, hit every store in a 50 mile radius, make your credit card company think your card's been jacked, weep when the bill comes in kind of shopping. Both of us needed new clothes and not just because of Vegas, but because nothing fit anymore. I tried on dresses yesterday and felt so girly. I tried on pants and shorts and skirts and shirts and bought almost everything that fit. I deserved a day like that.

I am embracing this current size but at the same time I look forward to getting down to the next one. While I am proud of what I've accomplished so far I have to keep going. To prove to myself that I can be better, be healthier, and reach my goal.

Time Flies When You're Actually Enjoying Life

2009-08-25T11:34:00.003-05:00

I'm not dead.

30 days to go until we leave for Vegas.

32 days to go until I marry this...

And I couldn't be any happier.

44 Days To Go And We've Got Gifts!

2009-08-13T12:14:00.003-05:00

Thomas and I were in agreement when we first began planning our wedding that we would not be registering for gifts anywhere. We wouldn't ask for money, or fine china, or even a set of salt and pepper shakers. We were happy in the knowledge that we would be surrounded by the people we love the most at our wedding and they were kind enough to spend their hard earned money to go all the way to Vegas. However, some people just like sending gifts and I certainly won't turn down a perfectly good present.

Two heart pillows and beautiful picture from my Godmother and very awesome bride/groom luggage tags from The Princess.

Weekend Recap On Wednesday Cause I've Been Busy

2009-08-12T15:00:00.004-05:00

Friday: Happy hour after work with Thomas, co-workers, and other friends. Having a bar in the same parking lot as your office and only 10 miles from home is fucking WIN. Drank too much beer, of course.

Saturday: Woke up feeling like absolute death. Cursed my beer consumption. Then it was on to Crue Fest 2, bitches! Last year's concert was amazing and this year was EVEN BETTER.

Crue Fest 08 pics (holy Lord in Heaven did I have some fat face in those pictures.)

Crue Fest 09 pics (I brought the hotness.)

Also, beer was NINE.DOLLARS.A.BOTTLE. at the concert. NINE! DOLLARS! For some freaking beer! Thomas and I couldn't have gotten drunk at the concert or else we'd be homeless cause it would've cost us an entire month's rent. However, we did manage to get a decent buzz and had a blast. Even with the mass amounts of drunks and skanks and hot weather.

Sunday: Sleeping in, chillaxin' poolside, and enjoying a day of absolutely nothing. It was heavenly.

Then And Now

2009-08-03T13:35:00.004-05:00

Yesterday Thomas and I, along with our friends, headed out to a small town south of Dallas for some shooting and some barbeque. Of course a fantastic time was had by all but it wasn't until I got home last night and saw the pictures from our day did I realize how much Thomas and I have physically changed over the last several months. When you're just going along day to day, pushing yourself to eat better and work out harder it's hard to see the little changes. We look at ourselves every day in the mirror and only in our clothes do we feel a difference. But comparing photos is the best way to really see what we've accomplished.

Thomas
December 08

Thomas
August 09

Myself
December 08

Myself
August 09

The differences are subtle but they are there. I am so very proud of what he and I have accomplished over these last 8 months. We look better, we feel better, and we can only continue to improve.

The Dress: It Fits...Barely

2009-07-31T11:00:00.004-05:00

Thanks to our new friend the Spanx Bodysuit (Seriously, all hail the mother effing Spanx) and a strapless bra I was able to get into the dress. Got into it AND it zipped up. Let us not talk about how much strength it took from Kimberly AND Thomas to zip it up. No, we won't speak of it. I was beyond thrilled that I had been able to finally get it on but the excitement ended when I realized that I hadn't taken a breath in over two minutes, my lips turned blue, and I passed out.

Just kidding.

I didn't pass out. However there is little to absolutely NO breathing room in this dress. With less than 60 days to the wedding I was terrified that I wouldn't be comfortable at all in this thing and that I wouldn't even be able to eat at our own wedding dinner. Alas, cooler (and much saner) heads prevaled and I was convinced that by the time the wedding came around I would fit into the dress perfectly. The official dress fitting is tomorrow and I'm thrilled at the prospect of walking into the store and telling them that the only change that should be made is the sash around the middle. No taking in or letting out necessary, thankyouverymuch.

57 days to go...

64 Days

2009-07-24T10:29:00.003-05:00

I'd like to blame my lack of posts on mucho excitement and the fact that I'm so busy that I never have time to post, but I'd be lying. It's mostly out of pure laziness really. So today I give you a post with random pictures from my Jesus phone, I mean iPhone.

Lee Trevino? Is that you? And why are you in Dallas eating at Five Guys? I'm so confused.

Every now and again my retired boss comes into the office to take a break from his cattle ranching obsession. When he does he's usually packing mass amounts of heat. This one was just cute though. Made me want to Bedazzle it and keep it in a bright pink holster with a Hello Kitty sticker on it.

Ugh, Texas summers. 105 degrees is insane.

Three hours to go from red to kinda blonde. A trial of what I'll have done before leaving for Vegas. I looked like an alien with all that foil on my head. A smelly peroxided up alien.

Me not long after the three hour hair makeover and a whopping $135.00. I love my hairdresser. Oh and I'm a camera whore.

Have I mentioned that Thomas is a chef? A really really fantastic chef? One that makes me yummy dinners that are also really effing healthy? Gotdayum I love that man.

How To Have The Most Awesome Anniversary Evar

2009-07-14T14:32:00.004-05:00

Wake up next to the person you love who immediately smiles and wishes you a happy anniversary.

Go to your kitchen all sleepy eyed so you can make coffee but instead you're greeted with a small wrapped box and a card sitting on the kitchen counter. You read the card and it's beautiful and sweet and mushy, of course. Unwrap the gift and you find this:

Squeal with delight because he remembered and was sneaky enough to get it without you noticing. Make a mental note of mass amounts of brownie points for this one. Also, feel like an ass because you had AGREED not to get each other anything so you got him a card that was very sweet but you didn't get him a gift.

Decide that anniversary breakfast is in order, because your diet? Fuck it. It's out the window at this point.

Meet up with fantastic friends and have a very fattening and very awesome breakfast. Finish breakfast and feel so full that you're afraid you'll never get hungry again let alone be hungry for dinner that night. Tell yourself that next time maybe you shouldn't get the omelette that's the size of your freaking head AND pancakes.

Head to a local recreation store and drool over high priced items you can't afford. Then do funny things and take pictures that are really only funny to you.

Take the rest of the afternoon to relax and try to get as hungry as possible. Get all gussied up and head out to the fancy schmancy restaurant. So fancy in fact that there is complimentary valet parking! Valet parking for your POS Jeep! Laugh and also die a little inside when they valet your POS next to Porches, Volvos, Mercedes, BMWs, and a Maserati.

Everything is ready when you get to your table. Confetti and a card wishing you a happy anniversary signed by the entire restaurant staff. Your waiter is amazing and the person sitting across the table from you has set this whole thing up without you even knowing about it. Mental note: more brownie points.

Order wine, appetizer, and entrees. Drool each time one of them is served to you.

Just when you think you can't eat anymore. When you think you are stuffed to the max the waiter has a surprise for you. Complimentary dessert! YAY! MORE CALORIES!

Oh it was so worth every single calorie. It was delicious and creamy and made me moan for a second. Yes, it was just that good.

Leave the restaurant and walk around a bit just hoping that your food digests so you can at least be comfortable enough to drive home. Take pictures of yourselves because you're so cute together.

Go home and fall into a food and wine induced coma. Fall asleep with a smile on your face, lots of food in your belly, cuddled up next to the one that you love. Grateful for the last year you had and looking forward to spending many many more anniversaries together.

One Year *

2009-07-10T10:45:00.001-05:00

It was a year ago that Thomas and I met thanks to Craig and his list and my search for a vacuum cleaner. Instead of a vacuum cleaner I found my soul-mate. Some emails followed with some beer and it was all down hill from there. What I thought would be a few dates along with some fantastic romps in the sheets turned into a beautiful relationship. A partnership with mutual respect and more chemistry between two people than I thought was possible to occur without the world exploding into a million pieces.

Our relationship evolved so quickly that at times I wondered if it was a dream. One step, then another, and then another but it all felt so right.

"Wanna get together for a drink?"
"Sure!"

"I love you."
"I love you too."

"I emptied the bottom two drawers and made some room in the closet."
"I'll be home tonight."

"Will you marry me?"
"Yes!"

Where we were a year ago is nothing like where we are now. Both of us putting everything out there, either to be rejected like in the past or accepted like we wanted. We clicked. It all came together like a puzzle. Piece by piece we magically fit. We've floated through this past year on a cloud. Step by step we continue to move. Each step coming naturally and not because it's just something we think we have to do. In a year's time we've achieved more than some do in a lifetime. We found the one who fulfills us. The one who inspires us to do better, to be greater, to go farther than we thought was possible.

T-

Thank you for being who you are. You are an amazing man and my best friend. The keeper and co-producer of my secrets. The one who picks me up and brushes me off when the world kicks me down like the bully on the playground. The one who makes me feel like the queen that you tell me I am.

When I think of you I smile. When I look at you I turn into a puddle of lovey gooey mush. When I kiss you I still get butterflies in my stomach. When I walk into a room I am proud to have you at my side. Our future is bright, our love is unbreakable, and I look forward to spending the rest of my life telling you just how truly wonderful I think you are.

Happy One Year, Baby. I love you.

-M

* Tomorrow, the 11th, is technically our anniversary but I'm posting this today cause it's my blog and I can do what I want.

Please Excuse My Absence...Life Got In The Way

2009-07-08T12:14:00.003-05:00

We've gone through famous people dying (RIP Billy Mays. I <3 you.) and a major holiday in which I got a day off of work and the angels cried and the people rejoiced. Amen. We're less than 80 days from the wedding and it hit me last night that WE ARE LESS THAN 80 DAYS FROM THE WEDDING ZOMFGWTFBBQ?!?!. I kinda had a freak out for a second because I'm been slacking lately in the healthy eating department and the working out department and I've drank a shitload of beer. Jesus Christ on a cracker I hope I fit into that dress. Oh, and now Thomas and I have started looking for houses to buy. A wedding and a home purchase within a month from each other. And before you ask, yes we are clearly batshit insane and should be committed.

I'm grateful that this last month has flown by so fast. I am so absolutely giddy about going to Vegas to marry Thomas that I pray for the days to pass faster but at the same time I am enjoying our summer together. We've had a great time so far and we have some even better things planned over the next two months. September 26th will be here before we know it.

She'll Be In Vegas

2009-06-30T10:06:00.003-05:00

I received confirmation yesterday that my mother has finally booked her, my grandmother, and my sister for Vegas in September. Relief was my first feeling and happiness was my second. It's important to me that they all be there. To see Thomas and I get married. To actually have a vacation with my family. Something I haven't done in over 13 years.

The last vacation I took with them was a get away to South Padre Island not long after my grandfather passed away. We were all pretty beat down after dealing with his sickness and his eventual death and we needed the break badly. Most of the memories I have of our time together on the beach is of a great time spent together as a family. Unfortunately, some of the memories weren't so good either. My mother's alcoholism was present in every thing we did and even though she's been sober for over two years now it still effects us to this day.

My relationship with mom has been a rocky one for years and we're just now getting to a point where we can tolerate each other and even have a good time together. I've learned to accept that she's not the same woman I grew up knowing. She's softened a lot, but at the same time her mannerisms, her attitude, and her outlook on life has hardened. Maybe it's age or the bad cards she's been dealt from time to time in her life, either one can cause a person to be slightly bitter.

I'm not one to blame my parents for the mistakes I've made in my life. I don't blame my parent's divorce when I was three on the fact that I didn't get into an ivy league college and that I'm not making hella jack right now. What I do though is I blame my mother's alcoholism for my critical view of her. Her inability to embrace any kind of moderation in her life lead her down the path to rehab, twice. Each time she went away I was there to clean up the mess (literally) that she left behind. Each time hoping that this was the time she would stay sober and maybe she would see what she was missing in life by sitting on the couch drinking her days away. Her alcoholism has left her physically different, mentally different, and has permanently changed our relationship. I am cautious around her, to a point. I take everything she says with a grain of salt and a "I'll believe it when I see it" attitude. I'm more critical of her and quick to jump on her when she irritates me. I truly believe this comes from years and years of putting up with her bullshit and at the same time keeping my mouth shut when it comes to her. I'm at a point in my life where I refuse to keep quiet about her. She has let me down more times than I can count, but her being there for our wedding in September is helping me to forgive her.

Don't doubt this, I do love my mother. In some ways we are so alike it's scary and in others we are as different as night and day. I spent a good portion of my life looking up to her. Doing every thing I could to make her proud of me. When I finally realized that she was only human and was capable of her own failings is when her and I got to a point where we could never go back. Right now my disappointments out weigh the good feelings I have about her. But I applaud and appreciate her effort at this point. She's trying and so am I.

Retail Therapy Works. Beer Also Helps.

2009-06-18T09:26:00.005-05:00

And just like that I feel good as gold again. Yesterday was a rough one for me. I did hear back from my mother and although she STILL hasn't booked her trip to Vegas she did state that she was coming and to count her and the rest of my family in. I'll believe it when I see it. If mother states she'll do something I usually take that to mean that she MIGHT actually do it. I give it a 45% chance. I'm quite the optimist.

Another great way to turn your mood around? Spend money. I was dreading buying a new swimsuit for this summer. I hate, no scratch that, I LOATHE buying swimsuits. One reason being the typical female response to putting on something made from lycra or spandex, which is, "Good GOD Almighty I look fucking FAT!" And the second reason - have you ever noticed how expensive they are?! I mean really, people. $20.00 to $30.00 per PIECE? Cause there's no way in hell I'm wearing a one piece. But seriously, per piece?! I know I'm not thin by any means but must we charge that much for such a small piece of fabric? I'm telling you, women get screwed when it comes to buying these things. SO anyways, I bought it and took it home all prepared to be absolutely horrified at how I looked in it only to be absolutely shocked as hell to realize that I don't look half bad. And in the end, do I really and truly give a shit what other people think of me in a bathing suit? Especially after a six pack at the pool? Helllll to the nizzo.

And now for your viewing pleasure I present to you the swimsuit because I think it's cute and it also has bows...

Pity Party, Table For One, We Can Seat You Now

2009-06-17T12:16:00.002-05:00

Pardon me for a moment while I complain about asinine shit.

I haven't been feeling well for almost a week now. I was certain that the anti-inflammatories that the doctor had given me was the culprit of my stomach pains and queasiness but as I'm sure you know, most sicknesses are in your own head. Stress, worrying, and also being hurt has made for a bad combination. My appetite is shot and my waistline is starting to show it. I've been hormonal/insane for over two weeks now and at this point I'm just ready for a good cry.

We're less than 100 days away from the wedding and my family still hasn't booked their flight or their hotel. Of the 16 people that were invited to attend my mother, grandmother, and sister are the only ones who are a "maybe". Thomas' family? Booked. Our friends? Booked. My family? Who in the hell knows. To most people this wouldn't be that big of a deal. We're still three months away from the trip right? It's no biggie cause I'm SURE they'll be there! Yea, okay. This is my family we're talking about here. The same family who has visited me in Texas once in the last 7 years. Even when I had plenty of room and asked them to come did they? No. Why? Beats the shit outta me. I have no clue. Now, how many times have I made the 8 hour haul to Missouri and back in those last 7 years? Too many to fucking count.

In the last ten years that I've been out on my own I've never asked my family for anything. Not a favor, not a helping hand, not a single dime. Have they all been generous to me on Christmas' and birthdays? Absolutely. I'm always appreciative for what they've given me. However, I've never asked my family for a thing. When Thomas and I decided to get married they were one of the first ones to know. We've kept them in the loop about all of our plans and we've made sure that they were included in everything we're hoping to do in Vegas. They received all of the same emails as the rest of the group and all they had to do was book their trip, sit back, and enjoy the ride. No gifts, no paying for anything when it comes to Thomas and I. Just show up and watch the show. There's been some stalling from my grandmother and total silence from my mother. I'm not sure what the deal is but at this point I've about had it. I love my family, no doubt about it, but they are fantastic at letting me down.

While I'm grateful for the slimming down that a loss of appetite brings I'd rather be back to myself. I sent my mother an email this morning very careful and very kindly asking her what in the holy fucking hell is going on and why hasn't she booked yet. If it's anything like the last email I sent her I'll get nothing back or maybe she'll finally just tell me that they're not going. Either way, at this point I don't care. I just want to know before I drive myself (and Thomas in the process) bat shit crazy.

Thank God I'm Good At Swallowing

2009-06-12T09:21:00.003-05:00

After six days of pure torture and agony I finally went to the doctor yesterday. The knee just kept getting worse and even with copious amounts of rest, booze, painkillers, and begging it to stop hurting I couldn't take it anymore. Worried at the possibility that I had caused more damage to myself than I knew I went in for my x-rays and waited to hear that I was well and truly fucked. Funny enough, I wasn't. It was a muscle sprain. A sprain that would heal in a week or so with more rest, a knee brace, and some anti-inflammatories. Not bad right? Heh.

LOOK at my sexy fucking brace. Isn't it DIVINE? Hell yes it is! In coordinating black with TWO Velcro straps and a sweet hole for my knee to breathe through. Also, please take note of my fabulous shoes and even more fabulous pedicure. Purple nail polish rocks my face off. And yes, that's a flower painted on my big toe. A FLOWER! With a sparkly bedazzled thing in the center of it. Cause I'm the shit.

Now, here's where the "cure" for this injury gets a little scary. I'm not a huge fan of swallowing pills to begin with so imagine my horror when I was given these...

Do you SEE how big it is?! It's almost an inch long! An inch may not seem like a whole lot to you but try sliding one of those down your throat and trust a bitch, I think you'll be changing your mind. I've got no problem taking your regular everyday over the counter pain relievers so I'm no baby about pill swallowing, but this thing is just ridiculous. However, this pill is supposed to be a gift from Jesus himself in that it heals all and even though I have to snap this fucker in half in order to get it down my throat I will take it. Thank you dear sweet baby Jesus for your healing pills. They better fucking work. Amen.

Fantastic

2009-06-09T13:23:00.000-05:00

I <3 Zach Morris

Taking It Easy

2009-06-08T14:36:00.002-05:00

I was doing SO GOOD, y'all. Working out every day. Eating clean and keeping my calories in check. And then BAM!, I got hurt.

It seems that I've gone and hurt my right knee at some point this past week and unfortunately, I can't run. I'm not even sure I'm going to be able to work on the elliptical machine until I heal properly. I decided that I would be smart and take the weekend off from the gym. Try assess the damage done to my knee and take it as easy as possible. Lay out by the pool, drink a few beers, and pray that I'd heal up and be ready to run again by Monday. No such luck. Instead, I did a lot of walking around a large mall and then THIS happened...

That is Five Guys. That was about a gajillion calories that I consumed in roughly 15 minutes. Funny enough I didn't feel overly guilty about it all. I had worked hard over the last few weeks and I couldn't necessarily DEPRIVE myself of a damn tasty burger now could I? No way.

So I splurged this weekend and ate too much and walked around on my bum knee and never made it into the gym. No big deal right? Heh.

The work-out Gods punished me...

That right there is certifiable water damage and black fucking mold. IN MY BEDROOM CLOSET. You would think one would notice when half of your closet wall becomes covered in mold and when the floor is soaking wet. Yea, you'd think that. But in my defense it's a big fucking closet and I had a shit ton of stuff in the way where I couldn't see it. Jesus Christ I am so observant.

So I've got a bad knee which is making me limp around like a damn cripple, I ate like a pig this weekend, and I've got strange men in my apartment right now fixing this mess and probably scaring the shit out the dogs. Not to mention I may have to wash every single piece of clothing in my closet to get the mildew killer smell out. FML.

Sneak Peek

2009-06-05T13:45:00.003-05:00

Because it's Friday, because I finally found a picture online, and because I just couldn't help myself...

Now, picture it with a black ribbon and bow, instead of the white one.

Lovelovelove

113 days to go...

Runnin' Like I Stole Somethin'

2009-06-04T16:13:00.002-05:00

In an effort to fit into The Dress I am super serious about working out. I have a little more than a month til my dress comes in and I want that sucker to be big on me. No. Scratch that. I want it to be HUGE on me. I want that tailor to get that dress and think, "WTF? Why did this stupid bitch order a dress three sizes too big? Oh I am SOOOO gonna charge her a shit ton of money to take this in." But you know what? I will be THRILLED to pay every single penny of it. Why? Because that means that I WON. I beat my body into submission and made it my bitch. I decided that I was going to look fabulous for the wedding and dammit, I did it. Or at least I'm planning on doing it.

So people, here's the plan...I found this two week body turn around program on the instanets and some how convinced BFF Kim to go along with the torture. We meet at the gym every day after work, do 30 minutes of cardio and the 30 minutes of "strength training". By "strength training" I mean we sit on the mats with our weights, do an ass load of crunches, and talk shit about the skinny bitches around us. Anyways, the first day involved running during the cardio portion and I was dreading it. I loooooathe running. I feel like a complete idiot when I run and besides, it makes me sweat and look unattractive BUT I sucked it up and started running. Well, wouldn't you know it? I actually LIKED IT. I liked it so much that I ran the next day and the day after that. Hell, I'm gonna run again tonight! We may not be sticking with the program like we should be we are some runnin' fools up in that place!

Unfortunately with running comes a faster metabolism. A faster metabolism means I am hungry ALL.THE.TIME. I am not even joking. Do you know how hard it is to keep an under 1000 calorie diet every day when you get all woozy and shit from being hungry?! IT'S HARD. So I eat and an hour later I'm hungry. Then I drink water and my stomach laughs at me cause it knows that I ain't foolin' nobody. I know this won't last forever, it's just my body going in to shock because I'm actually doing something, but for now it's a pain in the ass.

The Dress comes in on July 16th and I refuse to let it and my body beat me. Now, it's off to the gym and to running my ass off, literally.

117 Days...

2009-06-01T16:33:00.003-05:00

So much progress for the wedding occured over the weekend. My dress: beautiful, fun, and ordered. Thomas' suit: he's gonna look amazing and reserved for pick-up in Las Vegas the day before the wedding. Thomas' wedding band: picked out, ordered, and also not near as expensive as I had thought it was going to be.

I had told myself that I wouldn't do a count-down to The Big Day. That I would take one day at a time, enjoy the summer, and wait patiently for September to arrive.

Seriously?

Who the hell was I trying to kid?

I am incapable of waiting for things patiently. I'm like a little kid the night before Christmas. I'm tossing and turning in my bed, just WAITING for the sun to peak over the horizon so that I can jump out of bed, wake my parents, and declare, "OMG IT'S FINALLY HERE! Now gimme my gifts!"

I'm not just impatient about the actual wedding day, I'm impatient about the whole damn thing. Seeing all of our friends and family together in one place. Spending four glorious days in Vegas with everyone. Of course, marrying Thomas is the number one item on the "Jesus Christ, is it September 24th yet or what?" list but the entire trip alone has me wiggling in my seat out of pure excitement.

We still have quite a lot to accomplish before we get there but we're on a roll. Now if only I can get through the next 117 days without driving myself absolutely insane...

Planning Stages

2009-05-27T13:01:00.003-05:00

I have to admit, I'm really good at a number of things (finances, insurance, drinking beer, sarcasm, things that I can't say on this blog because come on, let's keep this at least PG-13) but when it comes to planning? Not so much. I get bogged down in the details and seem to lose sight of the end goal, whatever that may be. I freak out over the small things that I have control over and freak out even more when it seems that I have no control over anything.

When Thomas and I met we had both decided that at some point we would definitely want to get married again. Having not been completely and utterly emotionally damaged by our former spouses and knowing that we could do it better, SO much better, together it was worth the leap. I remember the day he asked me if we were to get married what kind of wedding would I want. I looked at him and said, "I don't do weddings". Which is true, in a sense. Due to the circumstances surrounding my first wedding (basically meaning my family and friends hated his guts and would never have come in the first place) we made an appointment at the local J.P. and got married on a Saturday afternoon. My marriage license was signed by two witnesses I had never met before in my life. We proceeded to go out to lunch and then he went to work that evening. How romantic! Good times, yessiree. However, I knew it wouldn't be like that this time around. I warmed up to the idea that a real and true wedding could actually be fun, as long as we did it the way WE wanted it.

So far this wedding has remained mostly non-traditional. I will not be wearing a white floor-length wedding gown, we won't be sending out invitations with bows and tissue paper, my mom actually saw a picture of the dress I wanted and deemed it "slutty", and we won't be married in a church. We're getting married in Las Vegas. Our "invitation" was sent via Gmail and told people to come, get drunk, watch us get married, and then maybe we'll hit a strip club. I'm still amazed, and grateful, for the number of people who didn't just say, "Yea, sure. We'll be there." But instead said, "Are you kidding?! We wouldn't miss this for the WORLD!" God I love our friends.

In another way that this has become the completely un-traditional wedding is that I have been pretty hands off on the planning. I did not check with the travel agent about prices, not just for our flight and hotel but for other flights and hotels for our guests, I did not book the wedding chapel and limo service. Hell, I didn't even write the email out inviting everyone. I have picked out my ring, looked for wedding dresses, agreed to specific hotel rooms, chapel packages, and dinner reservations. When it comes to planning this thing Thomas has been top notch and I couldn't be more grateful. He has taken some of the biggest stresses off of me and I absolutely love him for it.

September will be here before we know it, and even though there are plenty of stages completed I still have a lot of my own work to do before I walk down that aisle. I'll freely admit that most of my stress is self-induced. With work being in the "busy season" and knowing that I am not physically ready to fit into my "slutty" wedding dress I've been a little hard on myself lately. There's a lot I want to get accomplished and I know I have the ability to do it but even if I don't I know that at the heart of it all I am going to marry the man that I love. I am going to be the happiest girl in Vegas on September 26th. No matter what.

Food And Guns

2009-05-20T13:24:00.005-05:00

My only sibling, my baby sister, graduated from high school on Friday. Thomas and I made the haul up to Missouri the day before and seeing her walk across that stage was worth every boring mile of the trek. The child was BEAMING with glee and my family and I were proud. She's not a baby anymore. She's not the 4 year-old I keep imagining her to be. She's a full fledged ADULT now and I wonder where time went.

Of course something HAD to go wrong for this poor child. It was raining cats and dogs and cows and frogs the night of the ceremony and I thought we were all going to DIE from either the epic holy floods or from a tornado. The kid got caught out in the rain and her cap was all warped and her hair was a wreck but it didn't matter to her. She was DONE with high school. Look at that beautiful smile! LOOKIT! I've never seen her happier.

Of course with any family function we have there must be large LARGE amounts of food. I knew going in that my diet was shot as soon as we crossed the border into Missouri. My taste buds were thanking me but my thighs were screaming "NO NO NO! Do you REALIZE how much time you're going to have to spend on the elliptical to work this shit off?!"

Obviously my taste buds won.

Like any red-blooded American family from the Mid-West we celebrated my sister's graduation by going on a family outing to the shooting range. Yes, you read that right. And yes, we're a little rednecky. Don't hate.

Just when I thought I couldn't eat anymore. When I was sure that my belly couldn't handle ONE MORE piece of food in it, out came the cake. A cake big enough for 30 people. A cake that 7 of us almost finished off. WITH ICE CREAM. Insert more screaming from my thighs here.

BUT WAIT...THERE'S MORE!

After my sister had opened her gifts Thomas and I were told we had a surprise as well. We were given our very own cake to take home!! In celebration of our recent engagement my family gave us the cake, a card, and a couple of small gifts. We were floored. This weekend was about my sister but during this time they had all thought of Thomas and I. They wanted to do something special for two people they love so much. Those people never cease to amaze me.

To my sister,

Good job, kiddo. You make me proud. Looking forward to seeing you graduate again in 4 years.

I love you,
Sissy

Graduation set on Flickr

Lucky

2009-05-11T17:00:00.004-05:00

At one point in the not so distant past I had come to the realization that I may never find that one person for me. I was content with my life and happy knowing I had a roof over my head, food (and beer, lots of it) in my belly, and a job that paid the bills. I had a wonderful beautiful group of friends who I knew would be there for me no matter what. I had a family that, even though I complain about them on a regular basis, loved me unconditionally. I had made it through some dark and desperate times and had come out the other side a smarter person. I had learned from my mistakes and did my best not to repeat them. I was a lucky lucky girl.

Then one day I met someone. Someone who made me smile, made me laugh, made me think, and made me want to be a better person. Someone who completely turned my world upside down and showed me that I was special.

When I met Thomas I thought he was too good to be true. Me, being the cynic and skeptic that I am, I waited for the other side. I waited for something bad to happen. I waited for my heart to be broken and for the disappointment that I thought was inevitable. It never happened. He proved to me time and time again that he was genuine.

Our first weekends spent together were amazing and I couldn't get over how well we clicked. We started finishing each other's sentences and almost became mind readers. We would laugh and talk for hours. Talk about our past, talk about the future. Talk about family and friends and tell old stories. What was once a leap of faith, a shot in the dark, turned into love. A magnitude of love that I never imagined I could feel. For once in my life I felt understood, loved, and accepted no matter my flaws.

After months of talking about it and weeks of planning Thomas and I have made it official. With a blessing from my family we picked out my ring and couldn't wait to tell the world that we are engaged.

As I think over the last 10 months of my life and as I look down at the beautiful ring I am wearing on my left hand I am reminded once again that I am a lucky lucky girl.

Lordy

2009-05-07T10:10:00.002-05:00

I know, I know, I should've done the SWMH Club update by now but I haven't. Hell, I was GOING to blog from Arizona but you know, shit got in the way. Like DRINKING, and HAVING FUN, and being LAZY. Seriously, we didn't go anywhere last weekend. Oh, wait, scratch that. We went to Walmart where I saw Elle start to lose her ever loving shit because everything in that store was switched around and under construction and SUN SCREEN WAS BY THE DOG FOOD ZOMFG. I can't blame her though, all homegirl wanted was some damn rotisserie style chicken and they were out. OUT OF CHICKEN. All I wanted was something in my belly to help with the alcohol I had started drinking at 8 that morning.

This weekend was so good for my soul. There is nothing better than sitting around on Elle's back porch and laughing til your side hurts. I hadn't seen these women in almost a year and when we were all sitting around it was like I was just there the weekend before. A lot has changed for all three of us in the last year but in the end we are still the same. Funny, loud, drinking, smoking, cussing, kick ass women.

Thank you Princess and Elle for a memorable and wonderful weekend. Thank you for my gifts and thank you for being amazing friends. Friends that are always on your side but will call you on your shit if need be. I am one lucky bitch to know you both.

SWMH Club - Cinco de Drinko - May 2009 in pictures

Mojangle OUT

2009-05-01T14:17:00.002-05:00

In less than TWO hours I will be well on my way to see my gurls in the big A-Z. I'm wearing jeans and GOD I hope that wasn't a bad decision. Cause ya know, it's fucking hot there. And don't give me that bullshit about it being a "dry heat". When it's hot it's HOT and at 110 degree at 8 in the morning it don't matter if it's wet, damp, humid, or dry. Hot is HOT. My only defense is that I look damn cute in jeans.

While Thomas may be over the moon about FINALLY getting some damn piece and quiet around here and having the entire bed to himself so that he may SPRAWL I will for sure miss him and the puppehs. However, a girl's weekend (especially with these girls) are muchly needed for the soul and I cannot wait to revel in the laughter and just fucking enjoy the time (what little of it there is) to be with these women.

Stay tuned for pictures and drunken blog posts and lists of these we say that are funny as HELL to us but may not make any damn sense to anyone who isn't hammered or wasn't there. Or both.

Let the SWMH Club - Cinco de Drinko commence!!

A Post Where I Talk About Getting Nothing Done

2009-04-30T15:08:00.003-05:00

I can barely contain myself today. We're going on 26 hours til SWMH Club - Cinco de Drinko commences and I am STOKED. 26! Hours! To! Go! SQUEE!

So many things have killed my productivity this week. Our office is being removed of it's hideous 16 year-old wallpaper, then textured, then painted. There are several strange men wandering through the office who don't speak a lick of English but they do know how to drop nose hair burning ass bombs in our bathroom and listen to Tejano music REALLY LOUD.

Then there's this new game I've been playing on my iPhone (Did I not tell you about my new iPhone? Oh, my bad. CAUSE I GOT A NEW IPHONE AND IT IS EVERYTHING I THOUGHT IT WOULD BE AND MORE. It's like kittens and raindows and lepracorns and chocolate and nerdy bliss all wrapped in one beautiful touch screen case. Lovelovelove to Thomas for hooking his woman UP.) and the game is just ADDICTING and I can't STOP playing it. So I'm trying to pretend I'm getting something ANYTHING done at work and I'm playing games on the phone (in case you may have forgotten it's an iPhone. Which is awesome.) and emailing Elle and Princess with nothing but "SQUEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE" , it's been an exhausting day. SQUEEing takes a lot out of a girl.

26 hours to go.26 hours to go.26 hours to go.

Two Days

2009-04-29T14:01:00.005-05:00

TWO! DAYS! Twotwotwotwotwo daysdaysdaysdaysdays.

I'm so excited I might just wet my pants.

48 hours from now I'll be about to board my plane, headed towards my gurls. Land of sun, fun, and drunk bitches. 72 hours from now? God knows what I'll be doing but I have a feeling whatever it is my liver will be screaming, "MAKE IT STOP. FOR THE LOVE OF GOD ENOUGH ALCOHOL ALREADY".

Two days, bitches.

P.S. Princess and Elle: I apologize in advance for the cards I'm giving you. Hallmark can eat a fucking dick.

Guns, Visiting The Naughty Store, And Playing With Baby Pigs

2009-04-28T10:06:00.003-05:00

Warning: This post was written after several cups of coffee and an energy pill. The poor grammar and puncuation may make your head explode. Read on at your own peril.

I'm never surprised anymore where Thomas and I seem to end up on the weekends. One moment we're at the gun show looking for ammo, the next we're walking out with Thomas smiling from ear to ear cause he's got a new bang-bang toy, and then we end up at an "adults only" store laughing our asses off at butt plugs and giant dongs, and THEN we're at the mall making fun of fake plastic people and King of the Gingers (for real, the dude had a ginger fire red fauxhawk that was like 2 feet tall and arms so long he could've scratched his knees without bending over) and then we LOL'd all the way home. Also, the mall on a Saturday night? Filled to the brim with hormonal teenagers and you could smell the cheap perfume, Proactiv, and pheromones as soon as you walked in the door. You couldn't PAY me to be that age again.

So Sunday morning Thomas and I head out with a couple of friends to the renaissance festival of awesomeness where we proceed to spend more money on beer and games than on food and I got to hold a baby pig (seriously, baby pigs are adorable and I want one now and I almost CRIED when I held the little pink one. You can see the GLEE on my face) and I took video of Thomas shooting a bow and arrow and I fed a llama and Kimberly cried cause of the haunted dungeon that her husband forced her to go in to and I saw a lot of nerds and hippies and women who were bearing their midriffs when they really REALLY shouldn't have. We took a helluva lot of pictures and we laughed all day and then we had Chinese food and went home and crashed hard core. So I'm gonna stop with my horrible run-on sentences and finally post the damn videos and pictures. ENJOY THE AWESOMENESS.

Renaissance Festival - April 2009 - Picture set

Oh Em GEEEEEEE baby piggehs!!!!

Thomas is SO the new and improved Robin Hood.

Heh heh, I said "Whack it"

P.S. 3 days till my ass is in Arizona chillin' with my girls and basking in the hot ass sun and laughing our butts off on the porch. WOO!

Ugh

2009-04-24T16:04:00.003-05:00

No lie I have about a gajillion (that's a lot) of those ouch-less hair ties at the apartment and at least a dozen strewn about the Jeep. So why is it that when I am sitting at my desk and I need one to tie back the The Hair there isn't a single effing one in my purse? WHY? And yesterday when I thought my newly acquired bangs were the best thing since sliced fucking bread? Well it's HUMID and they are FLAT now and THEY.WON'T.STAY.OUT.OF.MY.EYES. Jaysus. Next time I think it would be such a great idea to get bangs I wish someone would just slap me across the nose with a rolled up newspaper and say, "No, Mo. NO. Bad idea. Bad."

Facebook Addicted Vain Dirty Whore

2009-04-23T10:49:00.003-05:00

First off, isn't it amazing what a good haircut will do for the soul? I'm vain enough as it is and stop to look at myself in every mirror I come across but it's just getting ridiculous now. When your rear view mirror is permanently pointed at you instead of at a position to you know VIEW THINGS BEHIND YOU so that you can gaze at your gorgeous mug every few seconds and correct your fabulous shiny lipgloss if necessary and play with your newly acquired bangs then you know you've got a problem.

I think I'm officially addicted to Facebook. Just when I think I've checked out every app and every quiz and every status update BOOM! something new comes along and then I spend hours (HOURS!) of my day either messing with it or sending it to the 11ty million people in my friends list. Most of whom do not give a flying rat's ass how many people I'd like to punch in the face (Rachael Ray, Bob Costas, Paula Abdul, Michael Moore, and slow drivers), or the top five things I think I'll need if zombies attack (my gun, a flame thrower, a water purification system, a pink Hummer, and an unlimited supply of protein bars), or even that I sent them a piece of fucking flair (My current favorite, "I'm why the rum is gone" LULZ) but do you think I care? HA! I do not. You're still getting those damn app invites whether you like it or not. Also, don't forget to either like or comment on my recent status update kthxbai.

In other news, I *heart* Texas weather. It was in the 90's here yesterday. THE 90'S! IN APRIL! GOD BLESS GLOBAL WARMING. It won't be long now and my ass will be poolside, throwin' back the Miller Lite like it's going out of fucking style.

8! DAYS! TIL! SWMH CLUB! CINCO DE DRINKO! AUGHT NUEVE! RE-COG-NIZE.

That up there? That is gonna be on the front of our new sweet ass SWMH Club t-shirts. And THAT was drawn by Elle with her bad ass paint skillz. Again: re-cog-nize. Oh and it's not the picture playing tricks on your eyes, my boobs really are that small, especially compared to the other two cause that's how it is in REAL LIFE. I am NOT even kidding. Them womens have got some tig ole bitties but I'd be proud of that shit if I were them and show them off at 3 in the morning in the middle of a goddamned Circle K while virgin clerk boy looks on (surprisingly un-amazed) and Princess yells about kitten burritos.

8 days til I get to see those two fabulous women and when I do I'm going to hug them and squeeze them so hard that they're going to be all like, "Mo, dear, I love you but let me go for fucks sake. I can't breathe." And then we'll LOL and drink beer and eat meat pizza and lay on the bed and talk about what dirty whores we are.

2009-04-22T17:41:00.001-05:00

Is it just me or when you see someone crying in the car next to you do you just want to roll down your window and ask them what's wrong? Maybe I'm just nosey.

Daytime Television Sucks

2009-04-13T12:59:00.003-05:00

I got out of bed this morning, kissed Thomas off to work, and hobbled right back into bed. Hunched over and feeling like I had been hit by a Mack truck somewhere between Saturday morning and this morning. That Mack truck? Her name is Janae and she is a former gymnast now personal trainer who has been put on this Earth to cause me misery and constant pain. She's evil. Cute, but evil. You want to walk around like an 80 year-old woman with bad hips and a hump on your back? Hire my trainer for 30 minutes. You won't be disappointed. So here I am, at home. One dog on the bed beside me snoring quite loudly, but adorably, and the other buried under the covers, also being adorable.

I did manage to get out quite a bit over the weekend, even with the hobbling and the looking like an old lady with osteoporosis. I almost fit in perfectly at the casino yesterday. The only thing I was missing was my electronic wheelchair and oxygen tank. However, the cigarette and steaming cup of coffee was present. Winning $200 helped ease the pain for about five minutes til I realized at some point I would have to get up from my slot machine and make my way back to the car. Some people spend Easter with family looking for hidden decorated eggs and stuffing themselves with chocolate and green bean casserole. Me? I spend it with Thomas and his family sitting around poker tables, drinking, and fighting my urge not to knock out the woman next to me who had never played blackjack before in her life yet she chooses to play at my table and fuck up two of my hands before I get up and go back to slot machines where I belong. Don't get me wrong, I prayed to Jesus several times yesterday and on the great day of His rising He proclaimed that it was indeed my lucky day and I was blessed with mad cash yo. Thanks, Jesus. You rock.

Come on, mama. Let's take another nap.

I Swear I'm Not Turning This Into A Work-out Blog Updated

2009-03-31T17:03:00.006-05:00

When you spend a significant amount of time at the gym on a daily basis you tend to see the same people over and over again. You don't know them and they don't know you but you watch each other and take note of progress made since joining. For instance, there's a woman who's been going to my gym since before I signed up. She's scary. Like I wouldn't want to meet her in a back alley at night kind of scary. She could grind me up and eat me for lunch if I weren't so full of carbs and saturated fats. About a year after I joined she got pregnant and continued coming to the gym well into her pregnancy and then one day she disappeared. I had assumed that she had the baby and decided to forget about her pre-pregnancy body and sit at home and eat bon bons all day. More power to her, but at the same time I was disappointed when I didn't see her pumping iron anymore. Then one day, months later, she reappeared. Then the next day and the day after that. Now she's there every time I am and you would never be able to tell that not only did she have a baby less than two years ago but that she also has two other children. The woman is a goddamned machine.

Then there's Blue Shirt/Maroon Pants Guy. This guy started coming to the gym not long after me and signed up to work with a trainer on a weekly basis. The guy must've spent a fortune in training sessions and I can say that in the two years I've seen him there he hasn't changed one damn bit. He's still got a gut and a double chin but I'll give him credit, he's tenacious. He shows up multiple days a week and breaks a sweat now and again but he still looks exactly like he did the first day I saw him there. Funny enough, he's still wearing the same workout clothes he was back then too (hence the name).

Although I tend to see the same people there I also see different people every time I step in the place. Most look like total newbs who have no fucking clue what they're doing and others look like they're there just to pick up some strange or meet the new Mr. or Mrs. Right. It's a people watcher's paradise right there but unfortunately there are plenty of people I'd rather not deal with. People who make going to the gym just a little harder than it should be. People who I'd generally avoid in real life but am now forced to share air and gym mats with. Now I present to you the list of people who either annoy me or just straight piss me off at the gym:

1. Barbie Bitches- You know the type. Hair done and make-up perfect. Lots of spandex not near enough IQ. Climbing up the never ending set of steps on the stair climber all while reading the latest Cosmo. Never breaks a sweat and is always dressed in the cutest work-out clothes. Needs to be banished from the gym stat before I shove her color-coordinated iPod down her throat just for shits and giggles. Waiting to find a husband so she can push out a couple of babies, get lazy, and then blame her weight gain on her thyroid.

2. Overly sweaty people who don't wipe down machines when they're done with it - Seriously? Stop being fucking gross and carry a towel with you. It's not that difficult. You think I want your sweat on me? Hell to the no. Clean up after yourself and wear more deodorant. You smell like liver and feet.

3. People who don't give a shit - Usually a woman. Usually found on a treadmill going as slow as humanly possible. Not there to get into shape but only because her friend doesn't want to come to the gym alone. Seen never sweating and can't even be bothered to appear like she's serious about fitness when she's wearing capris and mass amounts of jewelry. Stays on treadmill even when serious runners are waiting to get on and actually want to accomplish something. Needs to either man up and run or stay the fuck home.

4. People who talk on their cellphones the entire time they're working out - Knock that fucking shit off, for real. No one wants to hear your conversation and no one cares. You are not cool and you are not important. Seriously, shut up.

5. Meatheads - Oh yea, the broly mofos who grunt as loud as humanly possible when working those delts. Then because they are so manly and buff instead of laying the huge ass weights down when they're finished they throw them on the ground and scare the shit out of me. You are a jacked, steroid taking, jerk-off with small balls and back-acne. You aren't attractive and you've got less body hair than me with a better fake tan. Keep pumping those weights, Arnold...one day you just might get enough muscles to make up for the fact that you have a small weiner and have never been able to please a woman.

*Update*
Please see the comment section for Thomas' perspective. It brings the major lulz.

Phoenix, Tucson, And My Liver Are Now On Notice

2009-03-30T16:27:00.005-05:00

SQUEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

Cinco De Drinko Aught Nine, mofos. Oh yes, it's on.

So I Cried And Then I Wanted To Cry But I Didn't

2009-03-30T12:22:00.003-05:00

Last week was rough on me. Because of the work-out on Saturday I was in pain from the waist up for most of the week and spent the rest of the week in a PMS-induced hormonal crying heap of a mess. There's no point in asking why I was like that, I just was. I left work Wednesday afternoon just so I could go home and lay in bed and wonder what in the fuckity fuck was wrong with me. Days later I still haven't figured it all out. What I do know is that my uterus is involved and I'm none too pleased about it. Thomas handled the whole thing beautifully, of course. He said and did every thing right and I've got to give him mad props for it. The man knows how to handle a crazy bitch when it's necessary.

I managed to suck it up for the rest of the week and thanks to booze and Midol I made it through the weekend without murdering someone. Go me.

I would also like to announce that I officially hate the trainer. She's all sweet and soft spoken and cute and slim and nice but deep down she's evil. Pure, unadulterated, evil. We worked the lower body on Saturday and 10 minutes into the 30 minute session I thought she was going to make me cry. Like all out balling my eyes out in pain. Why? Because she asked me to do 15 lunges while holding weights. God, I'm such a wuss. But I didn't cry though. Once again I sucked it up, finished the work-out, and then spent the rest of the weekend using the bathroom sink and bathtub to help lower me onto the toilet because my legs were so tight that I couldn't do it on my own and also walking like I've got a corn cob shoved up my ass sideways. Again, go me.

In the end I just hope it's all worth it...

And Here I Thought Girl Trainers Were Softies

2009-03-23T14:07:00.002-05:00

In an effort to get my fat ass back on track I finally got myself back into the gym on Saturday and even scheduled a 30 minute session with a trainer. My old trainer had long since moved on and sadly I hadn't really made much of an effort to replace him. So I called up the gym and had them fit me in with someone, anyone, who would be willing to work the flab off of me. They did and they gave me to a girl.

Ugh.

See the problem is, I don't like dealing with other women when it comes to my body. Well, that's not entirely true...I have one woman doctor and since her and I have the same specific region in common I figure she would be the most knowledgable. That and I'm not really comfortable with having a strange dude give me a breast examination and then stick a duck bill up my hoo-ha all while trying to make chit chat with me about the weather. There's something entirely creepy about that. So, I have male doctors and dentist and car repairmen and financial planners. It's not that I don't trust women professionals I just think most of them are catty bitches and I'd rather not deal with one if I can totally help it. It's a wonder how I work in such a customer service based business.

So here I am thinking that a girl trainer is going to be all chatty with me and we're gonna end up talking more about the latest installment of 'Twilight' (whatever the fuck that is) than we will on actually getting my ass into shape. Oh ho-ho-ho-hooooo how I was wrong. This bitch cannot be more than 5'4" and is MAYBE 100lbs soaking ass wet yet she caused me more pain in 30 minutes than I had felt in 6 different sessions with my old (male) trainer. She barely said a word to me, pointed to the machine I was to use, instructed me how to use it and then told me to go at it. She kept me constantly moving during the entire session and had me sweating within the first 10 minutes.

When the session was over I looked at her and said, "I'm kinda hating you right now." She responded back, "Then I know I'm doing my job". Bitch was right too, she did her job and I'm still in pain for it. Looks like I'll be back for more next Saturday too. God help me.

I'm Blaming This On Someone Else

2009-03-16T15:33:00.002-05:00

Remember how I said in that last post that I was sick of being lazy and not working out and not eating well and possibly gaining weight and how I didn't want to get fat again and OMG I really need to shut my mouth and I never should've said anything cause then I went and ate this...

That? That's a ham and swiss cheese omelet that was the size of my fucking HEAD. Oh and let us not forget the bacon waffle.

ALL HAIL THE BACON FUCKING WAFFLE and God for it is His creation. RECOGNIZE.

Oh and I didn't work out this weekend either. Ugh.

But Chocolate Is Soooooooo Good

2009-03-11T13:22:00.003-05:00

It's certainly not breaking news to hear that one's high self-image and self-esteem doesn't necessarily mean that when others see us we are slim, tan, with legs for weeks and ass for days. Loving yourself and being a hot doesn't always go hand in hand. I've known men and women of all shapes and sizes. Even the most beautiful woman on the planet can feel that she looks like hammered dog shit and completely hate herself while a women that society thinks is fat or obese or ugly or whatever has the most out-going personality and loves herself more than anyone one else ever could. How you feel about yourself and how other people view you are two totally different issues.

Even at my heaviest weight I loved me some me. I've always had high self-esteem and carried myself well. Looking back at old pictures of myself I cannot believe how I let myself go. How could I possibly have believed I looked good? How did I live with myself? It's simple really, I just did. I knew I was a good person, I knew I was attractive, I knew I was funny and smart. Even when I would look in the mirror and see the big girl staring back at me I was okay with myself. However, now that I am past that, I am harder on myself. I still love me some me, but just a little less. Why? Because I've stopped being "okay" with myself. Because I am no longer the Incredibly Shrinking Mo. Because I'm afraid of re-living the past.

At this very moment there is a large basket full of chocolate goodies sitting in the break room. Working in an office where you sit on your ass for 8 hours a day isn't hard physically but it's hard on the waistline. Working with all men who couldn't care less about their physique and who constantly bring food in is even harder. I'd like to say that I've stayed away from that basket and that the only thing that's passed through my lips today has been coffee and nicotine but I cannot. I gave in and now I'm feeling terribly guilty.

I've been slacking when it comes the gym and a second helping here and there are making for a bad combination. I'm not gaining weight but I'm not losing weight either. However, I'm getting softer. I've noticed it in my legs and in my waist. I've lost muscle tone and I've gained inches. I am no longer happy with myself. Don't get me wrong, I still love me some me but I'm not satisfied with what I see when I look in the mirror. And I have no one to blame but myself.

I have so much to look forward to this summer and I want to look my absolute best. It's time to get off my lazy ass. It's time to get back on track.

I Can Has Pink Dolphin?

2009-03-06T12:48:00.003-06:00

Mass and epic amounts of want for this creature...

From 'The Sun'

THIS is a flipping stunning picture of the worlds only PINK Bottlenose
dolphin.

The dolphin, which is an albino, is the odd one out within
its pod and after being spotted last year has been wowing visitors at a lake
in Louisiana, US.

The mesmerising mammal was photographed making a
splash by local charter boatman Captain Erik Rue, 42.

Cpt Rue has been studying the dolphin since it first surfaced in Lake
Calcasieu, an inland saltwater estuary, north of the Gulf of Mexico.

He said: I just happened to see a little pod of dolphins, and I noticed
one that was a little lighter.

It was absolutely stunningly pink.

WANTWANTWANTWANTWANT

Srsly. Would steal and put in my bathtub.

WTF? Where Did February Go?

2009-02-27T10:02:00.002-06:00

Maybe it is true, the older you get the faster time seems to fly by. Or maybe it's just that February is a short month and I'm lazy when it comes to blogging.

I used to have angst and drama and a laundry list of items to bitch about but life is smooth sailing lately. Hell, life has been smooth sailing for months now. Every day is the same but different all at the same time. I realize that may not make much sense but it's the only way I can describe it.

As the weather warms up and spring eventually arrives and then turns into summer I can see myself hardly blogging at all. It's not that I don't want to it's just that sometimes you can't put moments into words and up on a screen in front of you. Or maybe I'm just not that great of a writer. I've mentioned before how I fear talking about the future too much. There are certain items that are definite to me and there are others that I have no idea if they will come to fruition. I do not care for uncertainty but I know that many things are out of my control and I just have to go with the flow. What I do know is that at this moment I am happy and that is what matters most.

Happiness and contentment tend to make for a boring blog, this I know. People (including myself) love to read about pain and anger and ranting. I just don't have it in me right now. The only frustration in my life at the moment is learning how to drive stick. Thomas, God bless his very very patient soul, agreed to put his car's transmission in serious danger and teach me. In 12 years of driving I've never had to really and truly think about what I'm doing when it comes to driving. You just get in and go right? Yea, not so much with the stick. There's the pushing of the clutch, and changing gears, and down-shifting, and trying my absolute best not to kill the damn car. It's gonna take a lot of practice and possibly one of those neck brace thingies. And maybe a new transmission too.

Camera Phone Photo Time

2009-02-17T14:06:00.003-06:00

I've seen a lot of really nice cars in my neighborhood but this Rolls Royce was NICE. Hell, I was nervous just driving behind him.

Oh the irony. Houses for sale? Yea, only if you wanna buy ashes and some concrete posts.

And this is where we all say, "Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww".

*snicker*

The Internet IS Serious Business

2009-02-16T12:07:00.002-06:00

If ever you think that when you upload, comment, blog, or even surf the internet you are annonymous or hidden you are wrong. Very very wrong.

Over the weekend a teenaged boy recorded himself picking up the family cat Dusty and then slamming him against a shower wall, repeatedly punching and slapping the cat, and then spraying the cat with water in the shower. He uploaded the video to YouTube and within HOURS the video had been seen by thousands. A message board caught wind and not long after personal information about this boy had been found, confirmed, and posted everywhere. People, the interwebz was seriously SRSLY pissed off.

You can find anything and everything on the web. From the funniest of funny to the sickest and most foul you could ever imagine, it's all in one place - the internet. However, post a video of yourself beating up a defenseless cat and posting it for the world to see is beyond almost anyone's belief. We, as human beings, cannot tolerate such senseless acts and most of us just can't stomach to watch. I am one of those people. I have seen screen shots from the vid and that alone is almost too much for me to take.

Thanks to the efforts of many this kid and his brother, who allegedly filmed the henious act, have been reported to every major news source, local police department, PETA, ASPCA, Humane Society, etc. The cat has been removed from the home and the teenage boys are now facing criminal charges.

All of which took place in a matter of HOURS.

Record yourself playing Guitar Hero, ranting about politics, playing pranks on your friends, or whatever else you can think of. Upload it to YouTube and try to score some e-fame. However, do not fuck with animals and put it out for the world to see. Society as a whole may be royally screwed up in many ways but shit like this will not be tolerated. Kenny Glenn is the new example of how the internet truly is serious business.

Links:

All information on the cat abuser: "KENNY GLENN - CAT ABUSER"

Lawton, OK Channel 7 News: "Lawton teen films himself abusing cat, posts on YouTube"

UK Coverage - The Sun: "Sicko beats cat in YouTube clip"

So THAT's What They Do During Commercials

2009-02-09T10:38:00.001-06:00

I got a good chuckle out of this...

Announcement

2009-02-02T10:31:00.002-06:00

My very good friend D from Canada went and started herself a blog to document her upcoming RnY Gastric Bypass surgery. This is such an amazing and life changing event and I am so very glad she's decided to write about it. If you'd like to follow along feel free...

My Journey - RnY Style

Oh and D? I think you're divine and gorgeous just as you are now but you are gonna be SMOKIN' HOT when it's all said and done. I'm so proud of you! Love ya, woman. *SMOOCHES*