No Title

Oh how time just seems to fly by.  Days, weeks, and months pass in what seems like the blink of an eye.

The anniversary of my moms death came and went.  I allowed myself to remember her and to hurt for that one day.  Still though, her death has left me with some emotional cuts that can't quite seem to heal.  Certain songs I cannot listen to, one in particular, because she once told me that it reminded her so much of me.  However, I can't grieve forever.  My life is full, and life is for the living.

Thomas and I continue to renovate our home and we're so very proud of the work we've put into it.  For the first time we will be hosting his family for Christmas dinner this year.  My heart strings tug when I think that I won't be spending Christmas with what little family I have left, but they understand.  I never wanted my visits to them to come from my own self-imposed feelings of obligation, but because I want to be there with them. I can tell you though that, just as I suspected, my family just isn't the same since mom died.  There is an obvious sadness there.  A hole that can never be filled.  Even my relationship with my sister isn't the same.  I had always hoped that eventually as we both grew older our difference in age wouldn't seem so large.  Maybe when I'm in my 40's and she is in her 30's things will be better, but as of right now we couldn't be any more different.  This difference has created a rift between us and I'm not sure if that rift can ever be bridged.

If there is one thing I took away from the entire clusterfuck that was my mothers untimely death it is this: I can handle anything that life throws at me.  I am good with crisis.  I thrive on it actually.  When Thomas and I both lost ours jobs I did not panic.  Panic over losing a job?  Pffft.  Please.  That was nothing compared to what I've dealt with in the past.  When a project we are working on seems like it's never going to ever turn out like we wanted, do I throw a hissy fit and wash my hands of it?  Nope.  Take a few steps back, give it a day to think it through, and then find a solution.  I seem to have found a calmness within myself that I didn't think I was capable of.  I can be abrasive, I can be quick tempered, but it's almost as if nothing else can top the trauma of ultimately signing my mother's life away.  Mom dying made me a better person, I am almost certain of it.  While I still have difficulty in accurately expressing the myriad of feelings that came from her death, I know that I have grown as an individual.  My mother was never the maternal type, nor did she ever have the patience to educate her children on major life lessons.  My grandmother did that for her.  Cooking, cleaning, driving, paying bills, being an adult - that education came from my grandmother.  But I will always and forever give my mother credit for two things:  She taught me how sell products and manage a business.  And with her death she taught me that I am so much stronger than I had ever really given myself credit for.  I will always be grateful to her for that.

So as I said, life goes on.  Whether we want it to or not.  You can either lay down and cry about it yet accomplish nothing, or you can put your big girl panties on and enjoy the time we have on this planet.  I choose to embrace the lessons from the past, and live my life to the fullest.

A New Year

Amazingly enough, December was a good month.  Did my entire office get laid off in which we all simultaneously panicked?  Yes.  But after a few days of trying to figure out just what in the FUCK we were going to do now it all seemed to calm down.  We all took a breath and looked for other employment.  We all found it...eventually.  I was the first, of course.  Like there was any doubt in anyones mind about that.  I can't handle NOT working.  It's not me.  It's not how I operate.  I did take the entire month to finally make my decision and chose to start the beginning of the new year.  A new year, a new job.  Funny enough it's the exact same job I had before.  Same company even.  Just a different environment.  It's taken some getting used to but it seems to have smoothed itself out nicely.  

I miss my friends though.  My boys.  The ones I've spent the last nine years with.  I've been there for marriages, new homes, births of their children.  They made me laugh.  I don't laugh as much now.

We spent Christmas in Missouri.  Moving my grandmother was challenging, but it kept us from remembering.  At least for the majority of the time.  I teetered between ambivalence and anger.  There wasn't sadness.  The goal was to get my grandmother moved, get her comfortable, and then get the hell out of town.  We accomplished it nicely.  I spent Christmas Eve with my father's side of the family.  That sentence still blows my mind.  Many years I did not even think about those people, and now they're in our lives.  Life is strange.

New Year's was spent at home.  Just Thomas and I.  It was better than any fancy dinner or drunken party.  It was just us.  I wanted the year to finally end and it did.  The year that I couldn't imagine getting any worse.  The year that kicked me square in the ass and then had the nerve to laugh at me.  But it's all over now and now we move on.

I turned another year older this week.  I didn't want to think about it but for a brief moment I was sad when I remembered that she wouldn't be calling me.  There would be no birthday card from her.  The moment passed when I remembered that one year that she forgot my birthday.  She was too busy being a drunk.

Her loose ends are, for the most part, tied up.  The burdens that were hanging over my head for so long are practically gone now.  I know it changed me though.  Permanently changed me.  It's not bitterness, it's reality.  I'm okay with my reality.  I look forward to putting last year behind me and moving forward.  Take all the bad I was given and turn it in to good this year.  Learn from my mistakes and grow from it.  Prove to anything and anyone that I am better for it all in the end.  We all are. 

Let The Games Begin

Sometimes it's just not worth it to do-it-yourself. Between ripping out flooring and raising a floor, taking off old and bringing in the new, it's exhausting and I am quickly running out of time. Oh but the benefits of this home, especially financially, are monumental. Mortgage that is cheaper than rent? I'll take it, even with the remodeling.

Life has been busy this summer and it doesn't look like it's going to slow down any time soon. Thank God for quick weekend getaways, which is exactly what we're doing this weekend. No beach anniversary trip for us this year. But no worries, fun will still be had and I can finally take a breath. Sore bellies from laughing so hard, hot weather, cold beer, and returning home feeling reset and ready to take on everything else that needs to be done is the plan.

Back To School

January 16, 2008 was the last day I was inside of a college classroom. I went to school that night and came home to the end of my marriage. Due to the stress of the divorce along with trying to keep up a home that was for sale I withdrew from my classes. I told myself that once life calmed down and I had properly adjusted to whatever this new life was going to be that I would go back and finish what I had started. But of course life never really did calm done now, did it? Moving, divorce, Thomas, wedding, moving again, work, play, travel...etc etc etc it all just takes precedence over something as boring as obtaining an education.

For me taking classes isn't about trying to grow intellectually, it's about finishing something I started a long time ago. Something that I put aside because I couldn't handle it along with the chaos that was happening around me. Life is no longer chaotic for me. Although sometimes it feels as if the days are flying so fast. Days feel like years but years feel like minutes. I can handle this now. I've put this off long enough.

False Alarm

No news to share. Some things just aren't in the cards. That doesn't mean that it won't happen in the future though. We always keep hope alive in the Mojangle household.

Good things come to those who wait...

Secret

I have one, but it's not ripe yet. Just sitting below the surface ready to burst. Something exciting. Something new. An adventure even.

Stand by...

A List Of Me

I am hilarious.

I am the proud owner of two spoiled mutts that I love as if I birthed them myself.

I own up to my feelings even when they are ridiculous and without merit.

I am no longer a blond.

I am tired of the bullshit that comes along with being an adult.

I am terrible at faking sincerity.

I make fun of my husband for being a nerd, but in all reality I am proud of him for the amount of knowledge he possesses.

I am grateful to have the kind of friendships that don't require a daily phone call in order for us to know how loved we are.

I make a mean pot of turkeyburger helper.

I want to quit smoking as a gift to myself for my 30th birthday, but deep down I am terrified of the weight I will inevitably gain because of it.

I joke how turning 30 scares me, but I'm not afraid. I plan to enjoy my 30's WAY more than my 20's.

I miss going to the gym almost every day.

I miss my family.

I stop missing my family after about 24 hours around them.

I love how Thomas and I ogle each other when we think the other isn't looking.

I actually enjoy diet beer.

I am judgmental of total strangers.

I directly compare how you look to what is in your grocery cart.

I am afraid of never figuring out what I want to be when I grow up.

I say "I love you" a lot. Because you never know when you won't be able to tell someone that again.

Still Kickin

I'm still alive, but I'm sure you were probably aware of that.

I have abandoned this blog, for reasons unknown. Only thing I can think of is that I've lost the desire to pour my guts out on my computer screen. To be honest I have absolutely nothing to spill about. I am madly in love with my husband/best friend, I am employed, I am well fed, I am healthy, I am happy.

Life is for living, and that's exactly what I'm doing.

Random

For my birthday back in January Thomas had given me a gift certificate to a local spa for a full day of pampering. I finally got around to using it this past weekend and I was absolutely blown away. I was massaged, and hydrated, and styled, and manicured until I couldn't hardly stand it. There's only so much relaxation I can take before I feel like a corpse.

My weight-loss goal is still going rather well. I say that even though I haven't really lost any weight in the month of July. I'm still about where I was at the end of June even with three weekends in a row of fatty eating. What can I say? I love food. It's like I work my ass off all week just for the chance to relax and not eat like a rabbit on the weekends. I'll take it for now, but something is going to have to change in the near future because at this point it's like I'm running in place, and after a while that gets really old.

Last weekend I received a private message on Face.book from a cousin. Apparently my father had been trying to get a hold of me and wasn't having much luck. All of my numbers had been disconnected and I wasn't listed in the directory. Whoops. See, he would've known that my cell had changed if he had called in the last two years because I had a home phone up until January of this year. He didn't know my number because the last time I had spoken to him was when I called him in April of '08 to let him know that I was getting divorced and moving. Yes, I should've called him back in September to let him know I was getting married, but I didn't. It didn't matter, he wouldn't have come to the wedding anyways.

I'm pretty ambivalent about my father. He's a decent man, a hard worker, and an upstanding citizen. He votes, pays his taxes, and doesn't have a criminal record. He's a good person, he's just a terrible father. I realized this years ago when it was me who was always calling him, or stopping by his house. Eventually I stopped calling as much, and then I moved to Dallas and never saw him. The last time I set eyes on the man was January 3, 2002. He was wearing a black suit and a bad tie. It was the day he buried his own father. A man that he was close to, but never emotionally. My father's family doesn't show much emotion. They don't tell each other that they love each other. They don't hug. Their idea of being there for each other is helping someone replace a starter in an old car, or getting together for a BBQ. When I was a child this baffled me, but as I got older I just got used to it. Always remembering that affection and love was shown freely with my mom's family, but a pat on the back and a smile was good enough with my dad's family. To each their own.

The last time my father contacted me himself was to tell me that my grandfather had died. The reason he was trying to contact me last week was because my great-aunt had died. A very sweet woman who I remember being old even when I was a child. I was surprised that she had made it this long. When he told me I can honestly say I felt nothing. While I'm sad that someone has passed away I felt no emotional connection to her, but instead I felt more sad for my father. A man who is rapidly aging, who has no other children, and isn't on the path to have a connection to his only child. I have convinced myself that he never really wanted to be a father. While my mother or grandmother would never tell me that, it's not that hard to figure out. My father contested the divorce with my mother three times. All over a projection television and some furniture. He never gave issue to my mother wanting sole custody of me. He paid his $210 a month in child support for 15 years and moved on with his life. While some people may have a problem with this, I don't. That was the path he chose in his life. Though a part of me is sad that we will never be close, I'm not 100% sure I would even know how to begin to have an adult father/daughter relationship with him. Too much time has passed. He doesn't really know me, and I don't really know him. I did give him my new cell number and my new address. He did tell me that he would make more of an effort to call me, but I don't hold my breath. If he calls I will talk to him. If he doesn't call then I'll expect my annual Christmas card from his sweet wife. She's the one who always signs them 'Love, Dad & Di'.

I am constantly amazed at how petty adults can be. Specifically women. Jealousy and envy can be incredibly nasty feelings. When my friends have something wonderful happen to them and they feel like they can share it with me I am SO happy for them. I think every one of my friends deserves to be happy and to have wonderful things given to them. Unfortunately, some people are constantly unsatisfied with their lives and feel the need to be spiteful.

I recently had a "friend" disappear on Face.book. I had noticed she hadn't posted anything that showed up in my news feed so I went looking for her. She was completely gone from my friends list, and wasn't showing up on mutual friend's lists either. Concerned that something had happened to her I sent her a text, with no response. The next day I noticed that she had left a comment on a mutual friend's status and was totally shocked. I realized that she de-friended me. No notice, no message, nothing from her. The next day I received a text back from her number letting me know that it was her husband's phone now but that he would pass the message along that I was concerned about her. Within minutes of the text she sent me a friend request with a short note stating that she had deleted people that she "never talked to anymore". I thought that was strange seeing as how I comment regularly on her status'. After re-friending her I went to her profile and was hit by a couple of status' that shocked me. One talking of envy, the other talking of how she wished that she could do something that I had mentioned I was doing in a status the previous week. Maybe it's conceited for me to think this, but personally I believe she is jealous of me. This just made me both incredibly sad and incredibly pissed off. Here I was, texting her telling her I was concerned about her disappearing, when in reality she had de-friended me out of jealousy! I don't post shit on Face.book to brag. I do it because I am happy and I want to share my happiness with people that I care about. Do other people have things that I don't have and want? Hell yes! But I compliment them and I am happy for them. I don't de-friend them out of petty jealousy.

This weekend was the two year anniversary of Thomas and I meeting. In celebration of this we bought each other a gift and had a wonderful dinner out with his parents and our friends. I posted a photo of the gift Thomas had gotten me, and this so-called friend's response just reeked of disgust for me and my "pampered princess" ways.

I've made more of an effort to be more vocal on her status'. Even when I don't have much to say. Obviously she's lonely and is wanting attention, but I absolutely REFUSE to stop sharing happy moments in my life just because of someones jealousy. I love my life, and dammit I plan to share it.

I Love Me Some Me

I was absolutely disappointed in myself last night. I was still 3 pounds from my goal weight and it was the last day of the month. I really really REALLY fucking hate not reaching a goal I set for myself, especially one so small.

I woke up this morning and immediately weighed myself. I did it. I achieved my goal. I don't know how I did it, but I did it.

Now it's on to the next goal. Another 10 pounds, another month.

Because I tend to forget how I went about losing weight when I think about the past I am going to post a day's menu for myself. Basically, this is what I've eaten almost every day for the last 30 days. My average caloric intake is anywhere between 800-1000 a day, but after an hour of exercising I net an average of 500-700.

To my future self,

If you want to lose weight again, do this. Put down the pork chop, fattie. Step away from the carbs. Eat this:

Breakfast:

2 slices of turkey bacon
3.5 large eggs
1 half Orowheat sandwich thin with a small amount of butter

Calories: 379

Lunch:

2 cups romaine lettuce
5 oz cherub tomatoes
1 tablespoon light Italian dressing
1/2 serving of baked chicken breast

Calories: 163

Dinner:
5 oz tilapia
2 cups Brussels sprouts, with 1 slice turkey bacon
1/2 baked sweet potato with 1 tablespoon of butter

Calories: 390

Snack:
1/2 serving baked chicken breast

Calories: 60

Oh It's On Now

A trip to South Padre Island has been booked.

86 days.

86 days to look as good as I possibly can. To feel as good as I possibly can.

Tomorrow is the deadline for my monthly goal. I will report back with results.

86 days til the beach, the sun, and a private house. SQUEE!

It's June 1st. Let The Misery Begin!

I know, I'm being dramatic. Tough shit. It's my blog.

10 pounds to lose by the end of June. Just 10 little itsy bitsy pounds.

In other news, here is a photo of Thomas holding two baby Chihuahuas.

I Never Thought Summer Would Get Here

I guess it isn't "officially" Summer yet, but I deem it so when I step outside into the sunshine and immediately begin to sweat like a whore in church with a condom in her pocket. Which is a lot. I also wear good deodorant so, ya know, it's safe to stand next to me.

I've been such a slacker when it comes to the gym lately. I've also been eating horribly and drinking beer like it's going out of style. You know what I'm trying to say here right? Yes, I'm trying to say that I've gained weight. Not an extreme amount of weight but enough that when I walk by a full length mirror I think to myself that if I had ever wanted kids that I would make a fabulous pregnant chick. I have no excuses this time, I just got lazy. Hell I'm still lazy but at least I give a shit. Kinda.

Thomas and I started this week going back to our old routine of eating healthy and getting to the gym every night. We did it but in all reality what we really wanted was to sit at home and drink beer while eating a gravy drenched chicken fried steak the size of our heads. For the most part eating healthy sucks, but the benefits are well worth every bite of the broccoli. When we eat right and work out we have more energy, we feel better, and we don't look like we could give birth to a DingDong eating beer swilling 15lb mega-baby any day now. So ya know, there's pros and cons.

The Summer is already looking to be an eventful one. Pool parties and river trips and other activities that require that I wear something that resembles a bathing suit. In an effort to not make each person that sees me in a bathing suit reel back in absolute horror and disgust I am doing my part to shed some cellulite from my ass. And my thighs. And where ever else I have it. In order to do this I am going to do exactly what I did last year. Workout, eat right, have fun on the weekends, and give myself a goal.

The goal is 10lbs gone by the end of June. 10lbs in one month. That should totally be easy, right?

Right?

Gah.

Run Down

I was kinda hoping that the next time I wrote I would be doing it from the comfort of my corner office overlooking a golf course all while raking in huge amounts of money just because I am me, but alas, that is not the case. I'm sitting here from the not-so-comfortable office chair that has held my ass for last 7 years. Nothing has changed. I've applied everywhere, but no success. Just like with the weight loss I am not going to fret about it. I'll continue to make what I make now and make the absolute best out of it. I also pray each day for the strength to hold off the choking of my co-workers and/or clients.

This Thursday I will fly to Arizona for yet another fabulous SWMH Club meeting with my girls Elle and Princess. I haven't laid eyes on them since the wedding in September and I am giddy with excitement. Oh ladies, I have missed you so. I can't wait to get hammered with you.

You SO know there will be pictures. Lots and lots of pictures. Also, maybe some drunk posting.

Speaking of pictures...I have some. Let me show you them.


Thomas and I have recently embarked on a journey to find the perfect cheeseburger. Thankfully there are a shit ton of restaurants in the DFW area and most of them don't suck! We also enjoy taking photos of our food and posting them on FB to make our friends and family green with envy.







We don't just limit ourselves to hamburgers and fries. While man really can exist on those two alone (and beer, let's never forget beer) we also eat seafood and cheese fries. Really good cheese fries with bacon. LOTS of bacon.


In other news, my dogs are adorable.

Time For A Change

I'm bored. Not with my life, with my work. Day by day I feel my brain cells dying, and my soul slowing rotting away. I sell and service insurance every single day. What does that have to do with my soul, you ask? As my grandmother once said to me, "You sell insurance. You lie for a living." While I don't think that's necessarily true, I do feel like I bend the truth on more occasions than I care to really think about.

Each day I talk to the same people, I tell the same stories, and I deal with the same excuses. I realize we're in tough economic times right now, but do keep in mind that I don't make up the insurance rates. Don't yell at me. I just convince you to believe the reason I give you for your recent rate increase is actual truth, when in fact it's probably not.

For the most part I'm tired of dealing with the general public. No matter how much I try to fake it I am not, nor have I ever been, a people person. I don't like 99% of the population that walks on this planet. Mostly because people, as a whole, suck. They are argumentative, judgmental, uneducated, and lazy. I've worked with all kinds from all over the world and I can honestly say I just don't like the human race.

While I would love nothing more than to have a job where I can sit in front of a computer all day and type menial and mind numbing shit without ever having to deal with another human being all day we all know that just can't happen. You remember that movie 'The Net'? The one where she worked from home all day long doing interesting look internet-y type things? I would love that job. I would have everything delivered to my home and the only time my neighbors would see me is while I was sashaying my ass to the mailbox to pick up my sweet fat paychecks. But this isn't the movies and I'm no Sandra B.

I've applied for several jobs very very recently and I would love to have something happen soon. The jobs I've applied for have zero to do with insurance, but instead will allow me to use the skills I have gained over the years. The number one skill being able to kiss ass to those who make me money. I think I've put enough years into this business. I'm tired of kissing the ass of those who have nothing. It's time for me to move on.

Check In

Yea, I know. It's been a while.

Ya know, I think deep down I was kind of hoping this medication would be some kind of miracle pill. That I would take it every day like a good girl and BOOM! the weight would just melt off of me. Not so much. Have I lost weight since I've started taking the medication? Sure. A few pounds. It could also be my cutting back on carbs as well. Who knows. I will give the meds credit for one thing, I do feel better. I'm no longer needing to chew caffeine pills like candy or down energy drinks like water. I do have more energy, I do feel better. But it's hard to be giddy about it when it's not really doing what I wanted it to do.

I realize that I am being unreasonable. There is no miracle pill. Or drink. Or food. Or super simple 3 minutes workouts twice a week that you see plastered in magazines or online ads. It takes effort every single day to turn down that sweet, or that carb, or those empty colories. And each scale the scale inches lower. Ounce by ounce.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not downing myself here. I'm making progress, it's just slow progress. In this day and age of the I WANT IT NOW! GIMME! I know it's not healthy to lose the weight fast. It'll come off when it's ready to come off. Day by day, week by week.

I intend to enjoy my summer this year. I had a fabulous summer last year as well, but the thought of not being able to fit into that wedding dressed weighed on me like a ton. I was terrified. Absolutely terrified that I wouldn't be able to pull it off, but I did. GO ME! I still have goals I want to achieve, but I'm going to thoroughly enjoy myself this summer. I do believe that it's well deserved.

This Explains A Lot

Out of frustration and desperation I met with my doctor last week. I allowed him to take my sweet blood from my body in exchange for answers as to why I've stopped losing weight. Within days he had my results and finally provided me with the answers I've been looking for.

Oh the body, it is an amazing thing. It's also quite crafty.

Here's basically what happened: I was fat, then I lost a lot of fat rather quickly. Because of this my body was like, "Whoa. What a minute. WTF is happening here?". Because the body did not appreciate the losing of the fat that quickly it said, "Yea, this is gonna stop. Right...about...NOW. HA! Suck it, lady!". And that's what happened. My metabolism slowed right on down. Which meant that every thing I shoved down my pie hole was held on to and deposited as fat storage. Then when I would work out EVERY.SINGLE.DAY I would only burn just enough not to gain weight. Basically, I was maintaining. This wasn't good.

Thanks to the miracle of modern day medicines I am now on my way to kicking my metabolism's ass back in gear. HA, metabolism! I WIN! YOU suck it.

It's All Mental

I hit a mental and physical wall this week. After taking some much needed time off from gym in January and most of February I headed back last week. Eating clean, laying off of the booze, and working my tail off in the gym I figured I would be back to my pre-Thanksgiving/Christmas/Cruise weight within a couple of weeks.

Wrong.

If there is one thing I've learned from getting in shape is that having a good mental outlook is critical. When you're stressed you're more likely to eat or, to make matters worse, psyche yourself out of losing weight no matter how hard you try. I got to that point yesterday.

I handle the stresses of life quite well, at least I think I do. Thomas and I got through our move without divorcing each other. Work hasn't changed much at all. Life is just as great as it always is. One difference though, I got lazy and stopped putting effort into my workouts. I ate things I shouldn't have been eating. I was drinking more than usual. All of that equals pounds put back on. So I immediately put myself under the stress of getting rid of those pounds as quick as possible. In turn, my body and my metabolism gave me the middle finger. In two weeks, I had lost a pound. One single pound.

Yesterday I spent most of my morning thinking about what I was doing wrong. I was achy from head to toe from pushing myself at the gym. I was hungry even though I had plenty of healthy clean food within my reach. I had busted my ass at the gym every day for two weeks and there was no pay off. In desperation I began to scour the internet in search of the latest and greatest in weight loss pills. I had officially plateaued and no matter how much I ate or didn't eat or how much I lifted or sweat, I was at a dead end. I was both physically and mentally exhausted.

When you're strength and weight training and you hit a plateau you have two choices - either eat a cheat meal to throw your body back into fat burning mode or change up your routine. I chose the latter. I chose to change up my routine by going home after work yesterday and resting. I ate an extremely healthy dinner and got some sleep. It was exactly what I needed to reset my brain. I woke up this morning to a smaller number on the scale and a good outlook for tonight's workout.

There is a very fine line between putting pressure on yourself to lose weight and having a goal weight in mind. I get frustrated with myself when I don't squat what I think I should, or when I don't lose what I think I should lose. The body is directly affected by the mind, and if the mind isn't right the body will react negatively. I've set a new short term and long term goal for myself and at this point I'm confident I'll hit them both. However, I need to remember that it took a long time to gain the weight and it may take a long time to lose it. Some times it's quite okay to sit back, reset, and give myself credit for what I've already accomplished.

Movin' On Up

The apartment is practically empty. The walls are bare and the kitchen contains only the essentials to survive over the next few days. Saturday is moving day.

I remember the first night I spent in this apartment. I unpacked most of the day and when I couldn't take anymore I drank a few beers until I eventually fell asleep on my loveseat. I was exhausted, both physically and emotionally. I woke up the next morning with that panicked feeling that you get when you're not sure where you are or how you got there.

Over the next few days the place started to grow on me. It was comfortable, and more than anything, it was affordable. It wasn't anywhere near the 1800+ square feet I had come to love in my old house but it was mine, all mine. It was the first apartment I had ever gotten by myself.

Over the next few months this apartment welcomed old friends and helped me make new ones. This was the place where Thomas cooked for me for the very first time. This was the place that we spent every weekend together.

Eventually Thomas would move in and we learned to work around each other in the tiny kitchen and bathroom. This was the place where we began our lives together.

Thomas and I have been planning this upcoming move to bigger and better things for a while now. Closer to both of our jobs and more space for the dogs to stretch out, we've found our replacement. Now it's time to leave.

Even with the noisy neighbors and the steady decline of good tenants this apartment has been good to me. It saw two major life changes for me -the beginning of my single-hood and the end of it.

I am so looking forward to the move on Saturday because I know that Thomas and I will be incredibly happy in our new home but I will always remember #812 with very fond memories.

Not A Resolution

I don't really do new year resolutions. Usually resolutions are selfish in nature. To do or to be better as a person. If I'm going to quit smoking it's not going to be on a day in which I'm painfully hungover. On that day smoking will be one of the few things I will need to get through the day without murdering someone. Technically I don't diet anymore so we can throw that resolution out the window as well. I already work out. I'm already a good person. I am organized and always on time.

However, I made a silent resolution without even really meaning to do so.

Thomas and I belong to a very large public forum/message board. Neither of us are major posters, instead we prefer to lurk in the shadows and wait for drama or lulz. After being on this forum for over a year now you tend to see the same people posting over and over. You recognize user names and avatars. You actually get to know who these people are just by reading what they've got to say, even if it isn't aimed directly at you. This past week a major contributor/popular member passed away very unexpectedly. He was young, newly married, and very well liked. His wife, also a member of the forum, is (understandably) inconsolable.

I instantly felt sorrow for his wife. She is lost in a sea of mourning and grief.

In one way or another I deal with death almost every day. Except I deal with the financial side of dying. I help people pass on wealth to their loved ones, or at least make sure they are not a financial burden on them. While I myself have a healthy fear of dying young I almost always forget that those I love dearly have their own expiration dates. I usually don't put much thought into it but the thought of losing Thomas takes my breath away. The thought of losing any one of my friends or family makes me want to grip my stomach. Of course I have zero control over any of it but that's not my point. My point is to be more aware and to be more apparent in the lives of those that I love and cherish.

While reading through post after post in the thread that announced that young man's death so many people responded with memories but so many others posted regrets that they hadn't seen him in so long, or hadn't had the chance to say what they wanted to say to him. I don't want that to happen to me. I want every single person who I love to know that I think about them every day and even if I don't always show it I do try. I try to be the good listener, the good friend, the best wife I can possibly be. I know I fail from time to time but my intentions are there.

Call this what you will. A promise, a resolution, an agreement with myself, but it is what it is. An increased effort to be a better (insert role here). And since I believe resolutions are selfish this isn't about bettering myself necessarily, it's about bettering the lives of the people I love. It's about letting them know they are my life. It's about letting them know they are special. It's about forgetting about myself and making those people my top priority. In the end we all win.