Chalk it up to hormones, PMS, or just plain ol' craziness but I lost it last night. I was confronted with my own feelings, my own paranoia, and there was zero proof to back it up. I reacted to a gut feeling, one that hasn't really steered me wrong in the past, and little things that I have let bottle up inside of me. I stood in the middle of the living room and broke down.
I've got to give Thomas credit for his reaction. He's never seen me like that before. It came out of no where and it wasn't really something that you can prepare someone for. He sat with me, held me while I cried for absolutely no reason, and let me get it all out.
It had been ages since that kind of emotion had taken over me like that. I thought I was past that. I thought I had beat the bad feeling of depression and paranoia. There are times when I can't believe how lucky I am to have made it out of my marriage with as little scarring as possible but then there are days, like yesterday, where the fear of being hurt again comes to the surface and I can't hold it back anymore.
I'm annoyed when I hear people blame their current mistakes and constant bad decisions on something that has happened to them in the past. Their parents divorced, they were weren't hugged enough as a child, their sibling/cousin/neighbor bullied them, etc etc the list goes on and on. The hard ass me thinks that they should suck it up, stop living in the past, but the scarred me knows that some past events can rock you to your core. My past is my past and there isn't a damn thing I can do about it but I do what I can to not let those who have hurt me affect me now. It's unfortunate that there are times when I can't control it.
Going through what I went through was traumatic. No matter how much I push it away or blow it off or even laugh it off it is what it is. It hurt and it permanently changed me. It changed how I feel, it changed how I react, and it changed how I deal with emotion. I am not the same person I was before it all went down.
I have absolutely no reason to doubt my relationship with Thomas. He's been wonderful. Almost as if he were a gift that was given to me as an apology from the universe for all of the bullshit I've been put through. I couldn't be happier. However, I am only human. I have insecurities, I have issues, and I have thin skin. I was raw and I was vulnerable and I needed to let it all out.
I apologized to Thomas for having to deal with what someone in my past has done to me but that goes for anyone. We are all affected by what other people do, whether we like it or not. In the end it's all how we handle ourselves and how we move past what has been done to us, to not dwell in the bad and see only the good. I am working on that, I am making progress. I've said before that it's impossible for me to guard my heart, to put up walls. I swing for the fences and I have no regrets. Life is good, love is wonderful, and some times it's okay just to cry.
