04/20/60 - 09/05/11

I buried my mother on September 24th.

That same day two years prior I saw her in Las Vegas, all smiles, prepared and excited to walk her first born down the aisle.

I buried my mother next to her father in a small cemetery that is filled with other people I have lost over the last 30 years. I hugged my family members and stood next to my husband and wept like a child. The last three weeks of sadness, frustration, and anger pouring out of me like a river. I don't remember much of the short service or what the pastor said. I just remember gripping the tiny golden urn in my hand which held a small amount of her ashes. I placed a single red rose beside her grave. My sister and I held each other and cried. All I could do was stroke her shiny brown hair and tell her that everything would be okay. One day.

I spent my 2nd wedding anniversary sorting through the last 51 years of my mother's life. Paperwork, clothing, belongings, all had to be cleared out. Tying up her loose ends will take more time than I really care to think about.

I find that I have to correct myself now. Present tense to past tense. Old habits are hard to break. But I know that everything will be okay. We will all be okay. One day.

Goodbye

Dear Mom,

I'm just so angry and hurt. Why did you put all of this on us? The people who loved you most. We almost never got along, but I thought it was getting better. Then it stopped.

The last time I heard your voice I yelled at you in anger. I called you a liar. I'm sorry that I never got the chance to say goodbye to you. I'm sorry that the last thing I said to you was not "I love you" but was said out of anger and frustration. I'm sorry I couldn't help you. And most importantly I'm sorry that I couldn't take away your pain.

Thank you for giving me life. Thank you for putting a roof over my head. Thank you for passing on your good traits to me. And thank you for the relief you brought to me and to Gramma today.

I didn't think this would be so hard, but it is.

I hope you're finally at peace and that your demons no longer haunt you. And I hope that one day I can finally make sense of all of this.

I love you and I always have. I hope you know that.

Goodbye, Mom.

Let The Games Begin

Sometimes it's just not worth it to do-it-yourself. Between ripping out flooring and raising a floor, taking off old and bringing in the new, it's exhausting and I am quickly running out of time. Oh but the benefits of this home, especially financially, are monumental. Mortgage that is cheaper than rent? I'll take it, even with the remodeling.

Life has been busy this summer and it doesn't look like it's going to slow down any time soon. Thank God for quick weekend getaways, which is exactly what we're doing this weekend. No beach anniversary trip for us this year. But no worries, fun will still be had and I can finally take a breath. Sore bellies from laughing so hard, hot weather, cold beer, and returning home feeling reset and ready to take on everything else that needs to be done is the plan.

A Secret No More

The cat is officially out of the bag. Thomas and I have purchased our first home together. We are closing next week, moving in a month, and I could not be more excited for us and our new adventure together.

There will be photos, oh yes. Thomas and I have grand ideas about this new home of ours. It's older and needs updating. Thankfully he and I are handy enough and we plan to tackle these home improvements on our own. New kitchen, new bathrooms, new flooring, etc. I am absolutely giddy. And not just because I get to pick out paint colors and wear a tool belt either.

Due to the wonders of the interwebs, and knowing how easy it is to obtain personal information (not to mention a few prying eyes who I feel don't really need to know what I'm doing or where I'm living) we may create a new (and password protected) blog to detail the trials, tribulations, and excitement of renovating our new home. Stay tuned!

Back To School

January 16, 2008 was the last day I was inside of a college classroom. I went to school that night and came home to the end of my marriage. Due to the stress of the divorce along with trying to keep up a home that was for sale I withdrew from my classes. I told myself that once life calmed down and I had properly adjusted to whatever this new life was going to be that I would go back and finish what I had started. But of course life never really did calm done now, did it? Moving, divorce, Thomas, wedding, moving again, work, play, travel...etc etc etc it all just takes precedence over something as boring as obtaining an education.

For me taking classes isn't about trying to grow intellectually, it's about finishing something I started a long time ago. Something that I put aside because I couldn't handle it along with the chaos that was happening around me. Life is no longer chaotic for me. Although sometimes it feels as if the days are flying so fast. Days feel like years but years feel like minutes. I can handle this now. I've put this off long enough.

Done

Walking a fine line is hard. Not rocking the boat is even harder, especially when you've been stabbed directly in the back. I'm to blame now and I'm not surprised. It's always someone else's fault.

She's being erased. Erased from my life as if she never existed. When I am betrayed, when those that I love are betrayed, you disappear. Poof. Gone like a cloud of smoke on a windy day.

Good riddance.

False Alarm

No news to share. Some things just aren't in the cards. That doesn't mean that it won't happen in the future though. We always keep hope alive in the Mojangle household.

Good things come to those who wait...