Back To School

January 16, 2008 was the last day I was inside of a college classroom. I went to school that night and came home to the end of my marriage. Due to the stress of the divorce along with trying to keep up a home that was for sale I withdrew from my classes. I told myself that once life calmed down and I had properly adjusted to whatever this new life was going to be that I would go back and finish what I had started. But of course life never really did calm done now, did it? Moving, divorce, Thomas, wedding, moving again, work, play, travel...etc etc etc it all just takes precedence over something as boring as obtaining an education.

For me taking classes isn't about trying to grow intellectually, it's about finishing something I started a long time ago. Something that I put aside because I couldn't handle it along with the chaos that was happening around me. Life is no longer chaotic for me. Although sometimes it feels as if the days are flying so fast. Days feel like years but years feel like minutes. I can handle this now. I've put this off long enough.

Done

Walking a fine line is hard. Not rocking the boat is even harder, especially when you've been stabbed directly in the back. I'm to blame now and I'm not surprised. It's always someone else's fault.

She's being erased. Erased from my life as if she never existed. When I am betrayed, when those that I love are betrayed, you disappear. Poof. Gone like a cloud of smoke on a windy day.

Good riddance.

False Alarm

No news to share. Some things just aren't in the cards. That doesn't mean that it won't happen in the future though. We always keep hope alive in the Mojangle household.

Good things come to those who wait...

Fool Me Once, Shame On You. Fool Me Twice...

I was wrong. Plain and simple.

She got me good this time, but it's going to end. I cannot and will not tolerate it. I will go to the ends of the Earth for those that I love. I will protect those who once protected me. I will not allow evil and selfishness to over take goodness.

Her and I are done. Forever.

Secret

I have one, but it's not ripe yet. Just sitting below the surface ready to burst. Something exciting. Something new. An adventure even.

Stand by...

Mother

I respect my mother.

She is the hardest working woman I have ever known. She can sell anything, and all while making you think she's giving you the best deal you've ever heard in your life but still getting her piece of the pie. She will go to extraordinary lengths to help her family. She would give her blood to provide financial comfort to a person she loves. I know this because she has in the past.

She is 51 years old and sleeps about four hours a day but she has as much energy as a 5 year-old who just ate a half dozen pixie sticks. She can run circles around me, and she never stops.

She can carry on a conversation with anybody about anything. She is intelligent. She is funny. She is capable of charming the pants off of you. Literally.

Her and I never had a typical mother/daughter relationship. That still hasn’t changed. That connection was never there and I realize now that it’s not her fault and it’s not my fault. We just weren’t designed that way. We weren’t meant to be mother and daughter, but that doesn’t mean we can’t be friends.

I spent six days in Las Vegas with her. Six days watching her, talking to her, and more importantly, listening to her. I needed that week with her more than I ever knew. I learned more about her in six days than I had learned in the last 30 years. She learned a lot about me as well. I am no longer the child and she is no longer the guardian. I am an adult with thoughts and opinions that are different from her. I am an individual. Molded in some ways by my genetic connection to her, molded in other ways by my own personal experiences in life. I am no longer the person she cannot relate to. I am now the person that she confides in.

I am proud of my mother.

She has over come the obstacles of life and has come out on the other side with a positive outlook on life. I used to resent her for decisions she made, and now I understand why. My resentment is gone and it’s as if a thousand pounds has been lifted from my soul.

Until just a few weeks ago I never knew these things about her. I mean I DID know but I didn’t understand. I couldn’t understand. I understand now.

I love my mother.

I have waited 30 years to say that, and truly mean it.

I turned 30 on Sunday.

30.

I have yet to completely wrap my head around it. I don't know what it means. If it means anything at all. It's a number, a number indicating how many years I have lived. 30 of them. 30 wonderful, heart breaking, exciting, terrifying years. And all I can think about is that I want them to stop increasing. Not because I want to be young and stay that way. But because the older I get the older my grandmother gets. My mother gets. My husband gets. My friends get. My sister gets. I do not fear my mortality, but the mortality of those that I love more than myself.

I am 30 and I can honestly say I have no regrets. I wouldn't go back and change an action or a thought because they have caused me to be where I am in this exact moment. I wouldn't change that for any amount of money.

I am 30 and I am so fucking blessed to have people in my life who sacrifice for me. Who scheme and lie just to put a smile on my face. I spent my birthday weekend with the three people in this world who I feel nothing but love from. No disappointments or strings, just love and thinking about it brings tears to my eyes.

I am 30 and I may not have a career in some high rise building bringing in mad baller cash, but I am loved dammit. I feel it every single day. I am loved for who I am, not a front that I put up. I am loved and I love in return.

I am 30 and I wouldn't want to be anywhere else than where I am right now.