Thursday, October 20, 2011

Moving On

It doesn't feel like it's been six weeks since she died. Some days it feels like it was yesterday, some days it feels like it was an eternity ago. The days when it feels like it was yesterday are few, but there are moments when I forget. I forget she died. I forget how she died. But something triggers the memory and then I remember. It takes my breath away. I haven't cried in weeks because there is nothing to cry about. What's done is done and shedding tears isn't going to make anything change.

I think what angers me most is that while her and I weren't close, hadn't ever been close my entire life, I feel like she took that option away from me. She left me to wonder about a relationship between us that could've developed. Had started to develop for a short period of time. I'm angry at her because I will never have the opportunity to look her in the eyes, tell her I forgive her, and actually mean it.

I'm also angry because I should be concentrating on more important things in my life. My job, my new house, my husband, my friends, my responsibilities but I can't because I feel like I have this heavy burden hanging over my head. It's constant. Knowing that there is still so much left to do. Obligations of helping my family and trying to keep the burden off of them. While I had prepared my mind for her death long ago I really had no way of comprehending the repercussions of her dying. I'm only one person and I cannot fully fill the void the she left behind. All I can do now is wait.

I worry about my sister. She's so introverted and she's so angry. We really don't talk much because there really isn't much to say. I always thought the older we both got the more we would have in common and we would grow closer. I think our mother's death has caused a rift between us that may never heal. Only time will truly tell how she recovers from this. Maybe one day she will understand why I had to do what I did and what I said.

While there are plenty of moments of bad there are still many more moments of wonderful in my life. When I have those moments of bad, when things just seem so overwhelming, I remember that my life is good. I have it good. We will all get past this and we will all move on. Right now I'm doing my best to focus on my work and on the house. Every thing we do ourselves is a victory because it's usually something neither of us has ever done before. There is still so much to finish but it's a work in progress. A work in progress that Thomas and I can be proud of.