Wednesday, November 25, 2009

I Heart Food Filled Holidays

Yes, this is a Thanksgiving post. Yes, I realize it's a day early but come on, who has time to blog on Thanksgiving? I plan to have my butt parked on the couch watching the parade, sippin' on coffee, and waiting to head to the in-laws so I can finally eat some damn turkey and stuffing.

Do you know how long it's been since I've had stuffing?


It's been a long time and my heart aches for it's carb-filled deliciousness.

Over the last week the internet has been filled with the "I'm thankful" posts. From blogs to Facebook people have been giving thanks for the blessings in their lives. Small ones, big ones, funny ones, and touching ones. So this is me, jumping on the internet bandwagon, giving thanks.

I am thankful for...

- The roof over my head, the healthy food in my belly, and the secure job that provides those.

- My health.

- My beautiful, funny, confident, and fabulous friends. Each one of them inspires me each and every day. They are the wind beneath my bingo wings.

- Family, both related by blood and by marriage. Even when they annoy me to point of contemplating homicide, or at least researching which less than stellar retirement home I will put them in one day, I still love each and every one of them.

- Thomas, the man I would move mountains for. The man who loves me fiercely, makes me laugh like no other, takes care of me, and proves to me each and every day that he would do anything for me. Without him I don't know where I'd be, but I can guarantee you that I wouldn't be near as happy and healthy as I am right now. He is my rock, my support system, the Ben to my Jerry's, my soulmate. The man I am proud to call my husband.

Happy Gobble Gobble Day, everyone!


I had to take time away from couch sitting and parade watching to update this post. Today is not only Thanksgiving but also our two month wedding anniversary. I received this note from Thomas in my inbox this morning:

"I know there are all the cliche things that people say they are thankful for but I wanted to write this note special for you.

It's been a while since I could really say I was thankful for anything significant. I've got my health, family, a good job and the typical things but this year specifically I have you in my life to be thankful for. You were an unwavering guiding light during the difficult times and a solid foundation for me to rebuild my life. I am unequivocally thankful that life is with you.

You are the parts of me that were missing for so long and I have realized that I lost myself somewhere along the way in the past. Together we have regained our identities and found ourselves again and, in many ways, found out more about ourselves than we may have imagined. Everything I do is for us, for you and for our lives to hopefully be enriched by my actions. I'm thankful for having you there to appreciate every part of who I am and what we are becoming as husband and wife. In taking some cues from our favorite Tuesday night show, our journey is never ending, constantly changing and becoming better as the days and weeks pass. I could never be who I am today without you, my love. You are my soul mate, my best friend, my workout partner, my inspiration, my reason for everything I do and, most importantly, my wife. I'm sure you know by now that there are no lengths I wouldn't go to ensure your happiness and provide you with everything you deserve. I hope I never fail and that will forever be my greatest fear but that is my burden to bear.

I'm excited about what is to come and thankful for everything that has been. I love you with everything that I am. You are my life, my love, my Queen.

With eternal love and affection,


Once again I am reminded how lucky I am and how thankful I am to have that man in my life. I am wishing everyone the very best this Thanksgiving. May you be surrounded by the ones you love, may your plate be full, and may you always remember what you're thankful for.

Monday, November 23, 2009

Pro Tip

If you carry a purse and in this purse you carry around a few different bottles of medications AND those bottles tend to be the same in color and size, please take my advice: Don't be a retard and not look at the labels before taking pills or else you might end up taking two caffeine pills instead of two Midols like you had originally intended. And then you'll end up wired like a methhead on a binge WITH some cramping, bloating, and irritability.


Thursday, November 19, 2009

I Feel Pretty...Oh So Pretty...The Lower Half At Least

After HOURS of scanning the intarwebz I FINALLY found a bathing suit I didn't entirely loathe, courtesy of Victoria's Secret. I didn't have to spend a fortune on it, I even got free shipping too. It was perfect. Until I put it on.

I had tried to order what I THOUGHT would fit me properly but apparently I over-estimated the size of my ass and UNDER-estimated the size of my torso. Whoops! So when I put it on a basically looked like a lumpy sausage with a baggy ass.

Needless to say, that suit is going back.

This is where I give MAD props to VS and their system. I found another suit online, called their number, and they are sending it to me with no shipping, AND it took all of about 5 minutes. Dear God I hope this one fits me or else...well I don't know but SOMETHING will happen! More than likely I'll throw myself on the floor and cry like a toddler. Or maybe I'll grow up and just re-order another damn suit. Whichever.

In other news, I am excited to report that there are 51 days til my fine Victoria's Secret swimsuit clad ass will be on A BOAT headed for Mexico. I.CANNOT.WAIT.

Tuesday, November 10, 2009


If you own a dog, any kind of dog but especially large breed dogs, please heed this advice: Be ye not as stupid as I and buy some effing pet insurance. Miss Delighla has gone and ruptured the ACL in her knee. After speaking with the vet and with a kind receptionist with a chic South African accent at the orthopedic veterinary specialist's office AND learning that a surgery that MAY (that means it MAY NOT) return her to 100% AND that chances are, if she has this surgery, that she might then injure her other leg in the same fashion AND also learning that this particular surgery is about $3,000.00 (yes, you read that correctly. it's THREE THOUSAND DOLLARS OMFG.) Thomas and I have decided to take other measures. With restricting her activity, watching her closely, and giving her medication I am hoping this non-invasive and gentle approach to healing is going to work. She's not in pain, she eats like a horse, her behavior and demeanor hasn't changed a bit. She's just got a little limp.

You wanna know the best part though? Even if I buy pet insurance now and even if I have the surgery done for her, the pet insurance will not cover the other knee if it goes out as well. HOW AWESOME IS THAT?!

And get this shit right here, people - the orthopedic specialist? He works for a group. This group has four locations in Dallas AND they have cornered the extremely profitable market in orthopedic surgery for dogs! There are no other surgeons in the area that are not a part of this particular group! Now, isn't that just special?


Tell me something, how in good conscience can a store sell a bathing suit for more than $50?

I have to be on a boat headed toward the Caribbean in 60 days. I have to find a suitable and attractive swimsuit to wear on said boat for 5 days. I would LIKE to find one that isn't going to cost me a goddamned car payment.

Also, the people who design these suits are either blind or fucking retarded because the patterns SUCK. I'm sorry, leopard print on a tankini is NOT attractive. Horizontal stripes? HELLO! Unless you're a size zero with a love for purging your meals then horizontal stripes are going to ALWAYS make you look bigger than you really are.

Once again, men have it so easy. Nobody cares what they wear, as long as it isn't some thonged zebra-striped banana hammock. Throw on some trunks and some flip-flops and they're GOLDEN but us lady folk? We've got to wade through the halters and the strings and the v-necks and everything else to find something that won't make us look like Shamu on spring break AND THEN pay an arm and a leg for it.

Good Lord.


To my neighbors upstairs,

I hate you. I hate you. I hate you.

And I hate your kid.

The people below you who can HEAR YOU SNORE and who purposefully have loud sex in the hopes that it wakes your brat up

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

I'm An Ass

At the optometrist office, chit-chatting with my doctor while she fills out paperwork on me...

Her: "So I see we're changing your last name."

Me, giggly/gushing/bragging: "Yup! Just got married last month and it's been absolutely wonderful! Are you married?!"

Her, face fallen/perturbed: "I'm newly divorced."

Me, asshole: "Oh. I'm sorry?"

Her, silently hating me: "Thank you."

Me: *mentally slaps my own forehead*