A Hint Of Light

I made it through Thanksgiving with just a few fleeting moments of sadness.  I sat in the dining room, swirling a glass of wine, and thought of Thanksgivings from the past.  Trying to remember a Thanksgiving with my mother.  Funny enough, I couldn't.  I have several memories burned into my brain but not a single one of them contain my mother.  My grandmother is the only person I can recollect from those times.  Her in the kitchen at dawn, already starting on the cooking for the large group of people she was expecting later in the day.  Her homemade bread dough laying underneath damp dish towels, rising, telling me to hurry up and close the back door as to not let the cold air in the warm humid room.  Her rushing at the last minute to take time for herself to get ready before every one walked in the door.  The house spotless, smelling like roasted turkey and every pie you can possibly imagine.  The day before she and I would clean the house and while she made the next days desserts I would polish the dining room table and chairs.  Her mother's antique table cloth, ironed and beautiful, was the final touch.  The day after Thanksgiving wasn't for shopping in my family, it was for pulling out the Christmas decorations.  For three days her and I would put up the 9 foot tall tree, decorate the house from top to bottom, and my grandfather would do every thing in his power to put as many Christmas lights on the outside of the house as humanly possible.

Thanksgiving for me isn't about family or even giving thanks.  For me it was about that time I spent in the kitchen with my grandmother.  Watching her move effortlessly around the kitchen.  Never once pulling out a cook book but remembering how to make a dozen different dishes from memory.  The warmth of the kitchen from the oven having been on constantly since the day before.  Her and I talking about everything and her trying to instill in me some sort of culinary skill that I really never retained.

This Thanksgiving I thought of her, and I was sad for her.  Not because I wasn't there with her on that day but because I knew that her mind was filled with her own memories and her own sadness.  I was sad because I could feel her grief from 500 miles away.  

She told me this week that come hell or high water she was planning to move in December.  I figured that would put us in Missouri right around Christmas time, to help her finish packing, and to help her move.  Getting her moved and settled will be the last major hurdle to overcome.  Of the two hurdles already jumped this should be the easiest one.  Easier than deciding to turn off the machines and easier than burying.  As Thomas said to me, "This is a light at the end of the tunnel."  He's right, it is.  The physical portion of this death is finally coming to a close, but it's the emotional part that I'm almost certain I haven't sprinted past yet.  Keeping my brain and my body occupied with other things can only help me for so long.  At some point I'm going to have to grieve and then let go.  

A part of me thinks my grandmother chose to move in December to keep herself occupied as well.  Stay busy with other things so as to "forget" that Christmas is upon us.  A holiday that to me does mean family.  A holiday that meant all of us being together in the living room, each opening one gift at a time.  A loud crazy night filled with love.  Those are the memories that make my heart hurt more than I could ever describe.  The memories of how just a few short years ago I took Thomas "home" for Christmas and he was absolutely blown away with how overwhelmingly Christmas-y everything was.  I am so grateful for that.  So very grateful for that particular night to be so alive in my mind.  The night I cried with laughter and cried with happiness.  For the diamond stud earrings Thomas gave me that I had been wanting for so long.  For the ring my mom surprised me with.  The ring my father had given her when he asked her to marry him.  And mostly because she finally believed it was time for me to have it.  I had become enough of a "grown-up" to have it and as I cried she cried and she hugged me and told me she loved me.  In my heart I know there will never be another Christmas like one. It can't be recreated.  But there will be other Christmas', full of love and family and new traditions.  I will always think of her though.  I will always remember the look on her face, the look of pure joy, when she saw my surprise at receiving the ring.  She was so happy.

One holiday down, one more to go.  This year all I want for Christmas is for it to be over with.  

Things I Learned While on Vacation

1. Never ever take a cruise in the dead of winter. My luck is such that an unusual cold snap will take over most of the country and our counterparts to the South. This makes for cold road trips, cold ocean water, and choppy water conditions.

Also, I am apparently prone to sea-sickness when on a boat that rocks back and forth like me on a drunken binge.


Note the jackets on and red tipped noses. We may be on a boat but we're freezing our asses off.


2. There's always a reason why something is just a tad too cheap. I swear to the sweet baby Jesus himself being on that ship was like being in a floating Walmart for five days. Babies screaming, kids running, horribly ugly women walking around in their housecoats and slippers. It was like all the trailer parks in Texas got together on one ship to ravage the all-you-can-gorge buffet and take part in the embarrassing karaoke version of "My Humps". The food on the ship was incredibly "meh" and it was more about quantity rather than quality. Then again after seeing how some of my fellow cruisers were wolfing down the food like it was their last day on earth I wouldn't be surprised if there was an emergency case of Wolf Brand chili and hotdogs somewhere hidden just in case we ran out of food and the hungry hillbilly natives got restless.


Thomas enjoying one of the more finer foods on board the ship - soft serve ice cream FTW!


3. After a full and sickening day at sea getting off the ship and getting drunk with strangers is glorious. Also, duty free shopping is one of my new favorite past-times. Buying Mexican Camel Lights for $15.00 a carton made me shed a tear of happiness.


At this particular beach break the Coronas were "all-you-can-drink", so I did.


4. We may be a bunch of white people but we can sure as shit shake a tail feather when we're three sheets to the wind.












5. Towel creatures are fucking creepy.











6. Cruise booze is expensive. A bucket of four beers will cost you a whopping $22.00. $22.00! For FOUR BEERS! A MaiTai will run you about $8.75 and a double Jack and Coke will require you to give up your first born. However, taking photos of yourself with those little umbrellas behind your ears is priceless and extremely hilarious, when you're drunk.










7. After spending hundreds upon hundreds of dollars in booze on the ship when they offer you free drinks for an hour TAKE ADVANTAGE OF IT.








8. I am the motherfucking QUEEN of the self-portrait.












9. The more the merrier. I love my husband, I love my in-laws, and I love my friends. This vacation was just what the doctor ordered for all of us. Were there some rough times on the trip? Sure, if you count the sea sickness and the horrible food and the cold and the cabin fever. But in the end we all made each other laugh. We all had a fabulous time. In fact, we were having such a fabulous time that we ended up adopting more people into our group who saw how much fun WE were having and just had to join us. What can I say? We're likable people.














10. No matter what, sunny beach breaks with unlimited drinks makes everything a-okay in my book.










11. Turning 29 isn't so bad when you get to spend it with the ones that you heart the most. A pot of melted chocolate REALLY helps as well and then maybe a beer or 20.

Gone Fishin'

Fleeing from the cold to much warmer climates. Don't worry, there will be pictures.

My Year In Pictures (For The Most Part)

January -







What a way to start off the new year. Dancing, drinking, laughing, doin the stanky leg and the single ladies dance. It was by far the best New Year's Even party I have ever been to in my life.

My birthday came and went and nothing bad happened! In fact, it was a fantastic birthday. The best evar. I was showered with gifts and love and even received my first lap dance. I could've done without the lap dance.


February and March -

Thomas and I started to quietly plan our wedding and get details in order. We continued to work out on a regular basis but we seemed to be treading water. It would be another month before we started to hit it hard.


April -







We hit up our not-so-local Ren Fest for wenches and beers and anything that had "ye olde" something or other in it. I got to hold my first piglet and Thomas got to play with swords. All in all I think it was a successful trip.


May -













May was the kick-off of what turned out to be an amazing summer. Trips to AZ for a SWMH Club meeting. Seeing my baby sister graduate from high school. Good times with great friends and lots and lots of beer. Summer = beer drinking, it's just the way it is.

Thomas and I announced our engagement to our families in May. With a wedding date and location set we knew that it was time to continue stepping up our gym game. We worked hard, every single day, and it was really starting to pay off.


June and July -





Picking out a wedding dress, continuing to work out, willing the months to pass so we could get to the end of September. Thankful that summer was in full force we spent a good amount of time sitting by a pool. Thomas and I properly celebrated our first year together by stuffing our faces with tasty food and thanking our lucky stars that we found each other.


August -





One month away from the wedding and we were beyond excited. At this point I started seeing noticeable changes in my body after working out so hard over the summer. Feeling fantastic and elated that we were hitting our goals. Seeing a concert with friends and enjoying our last bit of summer.


September -























FINALLY! September was here! Oktoberfest and Vegas! There was a lot of beer and food consumed in September.

Surrounded by the people we love we said our vows. I have never been more happy in my entire life! I am still so touched that every one came. I have so many wonderful memories and I am thankful every single day that we are so loved.


October -







With summer officially over and the warm weather making it's way out of town we hit the Texas State Fair for fried foods and more good memories. We were most definitely enjoying married life.


November -

We stuffed our faces at Thomas' parent's house for Thanksgiving and booked ourselves a cruise for much warmer destinations. With the weather getting more and more chilly out Cozumel in January was starting to sound like a fabulous idea.


December -

















The last month of the year had finally come! Christmas parties spent with friends. A quiet and uneventful Christmas at Thomas' parent's house. And finally Thomas' birthday. We now look forward to New Year's Eve and another party guaranteed to rock our faces off.

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I know everyone says how they can't believe how quickly the last year as flown and how SOOOOO much has happened to them in that year and blah blah blah, but in my case it's absolutely TRUE.

When I was going through all of our pictures to prepare for this post I was amazed at the number of months in which we didn't take a single picture. This whole year was a blur. A wonderful blur. We seemed to cram a lifetime of memories into 365 days but we still have so many more memories to make.

Thank you to my beautiful friends for making this yet another year to remember.

Thank you to my husband for being my dream come true. I love you.

Good-bye 2009, I will remember you fondly.