Tuesday, March 31, 2009

I Swear I'm Not Turning This Into A Work-out Blog *Updated*

When you spend a significant amount of time at the gym on a daily basis you tend to see the same people over and over again. You don't know them and they don't know you but you watch each other and take note of progress made since joining. For instance, there's a woman who's been going to my gym since before I signed up. She's scary. Like I wouldn't want to meet her in a back alley at night kind of scary. She could grind me up and eat me for lunch if I weren't so full of carbs and saturated fats. About a year after I joined she got pregnant and continued coming to the gym well into her pregnancy and then one day she disappeared. I had assumed that she had the baby and decided to forget about her pre-pregnancy body and sit at home and eat bon bons all day. More power to her, but at the same time I was disappointed when I didn't see her pumping iron anymore. Then one day, months later, she reappeared. Then the next day and the day after that. Now she's there every time I am and you would never be able to tell that not only did she have a baby less than two years ago but that she also has two other children. The woman is a goddamned machine.

Then there's Blue Shirt/Maroon Pants Guy. This guy started coming to the gym not long after me and signed up to work with a trainer on a weekly basis. The guy must've spent a fortune in training sessions and I can say that in the two years I've seen him there he hasn't changed one damn bit. He's still got a gut and a double chin but I'll give him credit, he's tenacious. He shows up multiple days a week and breaks a sweat now and again but he still looks exactly like he did the first day I saw him there. Funny enough, he's still wearing the same workout clothes he was back then too (hence the name).

Although I tend to see the same people there I also see different people every time I step in the place. Most look like total newbs who have no fucking clue what they're doing and others look like they're there just to pick up some strange or meet the new Mr. or Mrs. Right. It's a people watcher's paradise right there but unfortunately there are plenty of people I'd rather not deal with. People who make going to the gym just a little harder than it should be. People who I'd generally avoid in real life but am now forced to share air and gym mats with. Now I present to you the list of people who either annoy me or just straight piss me off at the gym:

1. Barbie Bitches- You know the type. Hair done and make-up perfect. Lots of spandex not near enough IQ. Climbing up the never ending set of steps on the stair climber all while reading the latest Cosmo. Never breaks a sweat and is always dressed in the cutest work-out clothes. Needs to be banished from the gym stat before I shove her color-coordinated iPod down her throat just for shits and giggles. Waiting to find a husband so she can push out a couple of babies, get lazy, and then blame her weight gain on her thyroid.

2. Overly sweaty people who don't wipe down machines when they're done with it - Seriously? Stop being fucking gross and carry a towel with you. It's not that difficult. You think I want your sweat on me? Hell to the no. Clean up after yourself and wear more deodorant. You smell like liver and feet.

3. People who don't give a shit - Usually a woman. Usually found on a treadmill going as slow as humanly possible. Not there to get into shape but only because her friend doesn't want to come to the gym alone. Seen never sweating and can't even be bothered to appear like she's serious about fitness when she's wearing capris and mass amounts of jewelry. Stays on treadmill even when serious runners are waiting to get on and actually want to accomplish something. Needs to either man up and run or stay the fuck home.

4. People who talk on their cellphones the entire time they're working out - Knock that fucking shit off, for real. No one wants to hear your conversation and no one cares. You are not cool and you are not important. Seriously, shut up.

5. Meatheads - Oh yea, the broly mofos who grunt as loud as humanly possible when working those delts. Then because they are so manly and buff instead of laying the huge ass weights down when they're finished they throw them on the ground and scare the shit out of me. You are a jacked, steroid taking, jerk-off with small balls and back-acne. You aren't attractive and you've got less body hair than me with a better fake tan. Keep pumping those weights, Arnold...one day you just might get enough muscles to make up for the fact that you have a small weiner and have never been able to please a woman.

Please see the comment section for Thomas' perspective. It brings the major lulz.

Monday, March 30, 2009

Phoenix, Tucson, And My Liver Are Now On Notice

Cinco De Drinko Aught Nine

Cinco De Drinko Aught Nine, mofos. Oh yes, it's on.

So I Cried And Then I Wanted To Cry But I Didn't

Last week was rough on me. Because of the work-out on Saturday I was in pain from the waist up for most of the week and spent the rest of the week in a PMS-induced hormonal crying heap of a mess. There's no point in asking why I was like that, I just was. I left work Wednesday afternoon just so I could go home and lay in bed and wonder what in the fuckity fuck was wrong with me. Days later I still haven't figured it all out. What I do know is that my uterus is involved and I'm none too pleased about it. Thomas handled the whole thing beautifully, of course. He said and did every thing right and I've got to give him mad props for it. The man knows how to handle a crazy bitch when it's necessary.

I managed to suck it up for the rest of the week and thanks to booze and Midol I made it through the weekend without murdering someone. Go me.

I would also like to announce that I officially hate the trainer. She's all sweet and soft spoken and cute and slim and nice but deep down she's evil. Pure, unadulterated, evil. We worked the lower body on Saturday and 10 minutes into the 30 minute session I thought she was going to make me cry. Like all out balling my eyes out in pain. Why? Because she asked me to do 15 lunges while holding weights. God, I'm such a wuss. But I didn't cry though. Once again I sucked it up, finished the work-out, and then spent the rest of the weekend using the bathroom sink and bathtub to help lower me onto the toilet because my legs were so tight that I couldn't do it on my own and also walking like I've got a corn cob shoved up my ass sideways. Again, go me.

In the end I just hope it's all worth it...

Monday, March 23, 2009

And Here I Thought Girl Trainers Were Softies

In an effort to get my fat ass back on track I finally got myself back into the gym on Saturday and even scheduled a 30 minute session with a trainer. My old trainer had long since moved on and sadly I hadn't really made much of an effort to replace him. So I called up the gym and had them fit me in with someone, anyone, who would be willing to work the flab off of me. They did and they gave me to a girl.


See the problem is, I don't like dealing with other women when it comes to my body. Well, that's not entirely true...I have one woman doctor and since her and I have the same specific region in common I figure she would be the most knowledgable. That and I'm not really comfortable with having a strange dude give me a breast examination and then stick a duck bill up my hoo-ha all while trying to make chit chat with me about the weather. There's something entirely creepy about that. So, I have male doctors and dentist and car repairmen and financial planners. It's not that I don't trust women professionals I just think most of them are catty bitches and I'd rather not deal with one if I can totally help it. It's a wonder how I work in such a customer service based business.

So here I am thinking that a girl trainer is going to be all chatty with me and we're gonna end up talking more about the latest installment of 'Twilight' (whatever the fuck that is) than we will on actually getting my ass into shape. Oh ho-ho-ho-hooooo how I was wrong. This bitch cannot be more than 5'4" and is MAYBE 100lbs soaking ass wet yet she caused me more pain in 30 minutes than I had felt in 6 different sessions with my old (male) trainer. She barely said a word to me, pointed to the machine I was to use, instructed me how to use it and then told me to go at it. She kept me constantly moving during the entire session and had me sweating within the first 10 minutes.

When the session was over I looked at her and said, "I'm kinda hating you right now." She responded back, "Then I know I'm doing my job". Bitch was right too, she did her job and I'm still in pain for it. Looks like I'll be back for more next Saturday too. God help me.

Monday, March 16, 2009

I'm Blaming This On Someone Else

Remember how I said in that last post that I was sick of being lazy and not working out and not eating well and possibly gaining weight and how I didn't want to get fat again and OMG I really need to shut my mouth and I never should've said anything cause then I went and ate this...

Ham and cheese omelet

That? That's a ham and swiss cheese omelet that was the size of my fucking HEAD. Oh and let us not forget the bacon waffle.

Bacon waffle


Oh and I didn't work out this weekend either. Ugh.

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

But Chocolate Is Soooooooo Good

It's certainly not breaking news to hear that one's high self-image and self-esteem doesn't necessarily mean that when others see us we are slim, tan, with legs for weeks and ass for days. Loving yourself and being a hot doesn't always go hand in hand. I've known men and women of all shapes and sizes. Even the most beautiful woman on the planet can feel that she looks like hammered dog shit and completely hate herself while a women that society thinks is fat or obese or ugly or whatever has the most out-going personality and loves herself more than anyone one else ever could. How you feel about yourself and how other people view you are two totally different issues.

Even at my heaviest weight I loved me some me. I've always had high self-esteem and carried myself well. Looking back at old pictures of myself I cannot believe how I let myself go. How could I possibly have believed I looked good? How did I live with myself? It's simple really, I just did. I knew I was a good person, I knew I was attractive, I knew I was funny and smart. Even when I would look in the mirror and see the big girl staring back at me I was okay with myself. However, now that I am past that, I am harder on myself. I still love me some me, but just a little less. Why? Because I've stopped being "okay" with myself. Because I am no longer the Incredibly Shrinking Mo. Because I'm afraid of re-living the past.

At this very moment there is a large basket full of chocolate goodies sitting in the break room. Working in an office where you sit on your ass for 8 hours a day isn't hard physically but it's hard on the waistline. Working with all men who couldn't care less about their physique and who constantly bring food in is even harder. I'd like to say that I've stayed away from that basket and that the only thing that's passed through my lips today has been coffee and nicotine but I cannot. I gave in and now I'm feeling terribly guilty.

I've been slacking when it comes the gym and a second helping here and there are making for a bad combination. I'm not gaining weight but I'm not losing weight either. However, I'm getting softer. I've noticed it in my legs and in my waist. I've lost muscle tone and I've gained inches. I am no longer happy with myself. Don't get me wrong, I still love me some me but I'm not satisfied with what I see when I look in the mirror. And I have no one to blame but myself.

I have so much to look forward to this summer and I want to look my absolute best. It's time to get off my lazy ass. It's time to get back on track.

Friday, March 6, 2009

I Can Has Pink Dolphin?

Mass and epic amounts of want for this creature...

From 'The Sun'

THIS is a flipping stunning picture of the worlds only PINK Bottlenose

The dolphin, which is an albino, is the odd one out within
its pod and after being spotted last year has been wowing visitors at a lake
in Louisiana, US.

The mesmerising mammal was photographed making a
splash by local charter boatman Captain Erik Rue, 42.

Cpt Rue has been studying the dolphin since it first surfaced in Lake
Calcasieu, an inland saltwater estuary, north of the Gulf of Mexico.

He said: I just happened to see a little pod of dolphins, and I noticed
one that was a little lighter.

It was absolutely stunningly pink.


Srsly. Would steal and put in my bathtub.