When you spend a significant amount of time at the gym on a daily basis you tend to see the same people over and over again. You don't know them and they don't know you but you watch each other and take note of progress made since joining. For instance, there's a woman who's been going to my gym since before I signed up. She's scary. Like I wouldn't want to meet her in a back alley at night kind of scary. She could grind me up and eat me for lunch if I weren't so full of carbs and saturated fats. About a year after I joined she got pregnant and continued coming to the gym well into her pregnancy and then one day she disappeared. I had assumed that she had the baby and decided to forget about her pre-pregnancy body and sit at home and eat bon bons all day. More power to her, but at the same time I was disappointed when I didn't see her pumping iron anymore. Then one day, months later, she reappeared. Then the next day and the day after that. Now she's there every time I am and you would never be able to tell that not only did she have a baby less than two years ago but that she also has two other children. The woman is a goddamned machine.
Then there's Blue Shirt/Maroon Pants Guy. This guy started coming to the gym not long after me and signed up to work with a trainer on a weekly basis. The guy must've spent a fortune in training sessions and I can say that in the two years I've seen him there he hasn't changed one damn bit. He's still got a gut and a double chin but I'll give him credit, he's tenacious. He shows up multiple days a week and breaks a sweat now and again but he still looks exactly like he did the first day I saw him there. Funny enough, he's still wearing the same workout clothes he was back then too (hence the name).
Although I tend to see the same people there I also see different people every time I step in the place. Most look like total newbs who have no fucking clue what they're doing and others look like they're there just to pick up some strange or meet the new Mr. or Mrs. Right. It's a people watcher's paradise right there but unfortunately there are plenty of people I'd rather not deal with. People who make going to the gym just a little harder than it should be. People who I'd generally avoid in real life but am now forced to share air and gym mats with. Now I present to you the list of people who either annoy me or just straight piss me off at the gym:
1. Barbie Bitches- You know the type. Hair done and make-up perfect. Lots of spandex not near enough IQ. Climbing up the never ending set of steps on the stair climber all while reading the latest Cosmo. Never breaks a sweat and is always dressed in the cutest work-out clothes. Needs to be banished from the gym stat before I shove her color-coordinated iPod down her throat just for shits and giggles. Waiting to find a husband so she can push out a couple of babies, get lazy, and then blame her weight gain on her thyroid.
2. Overly sweaty people who don't wipe down machines when they're done with it - Seriously? Stop being fucking gross and carry a towel with you. It's not that difficult. You think I want your sweat on me? Hell to the no. Clean up after yourself and wear more deodorant. You smell like liver and feet.
3. People who don't give a shit - Usually a woman. Usually found on a treadmill going as slow as humanly possible. Not there to get into shape but only because her friend doesn't want to come to the gym alone. Seen never sweating and can't even be bothered to appear like she's serious about fitness when she's wearing capris and mass amounts of jewelry. Stays on treadmill even when serious runners are waiting to get on and actually want to accomplish something. Needs to either man up and run or stay the fuck home.
4. People who talk on their cellphones the entire time they're working out - Knock that fucking shit off, for real. No one wants to hear your conversation and no one cares. You are not cool and you are not important. Seriously, shut up.
5. Meatheads - Oh yea, the broly mofos who grunt as loud as humanly possible when working those delts. Then because they are so manly and buff instead of laying the huge ass weights down when they're finished they throw them on the ground and scare the shit out of me. You are a jacked, steroid taking, jerk-off with small balls and back-acne. You aren't attractive and you've got less body hair than me with a better fake tan. Keep pumping those weights, Arnold...one day you just might get enough muscles to make up for the fact that you have a small weiner and have never been able to please a woman.
*Update*
Please see the comment section for Thomas' perspective. It brings the major lulz.
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5 comments:
Mo, thanks for this post; it brought a smile to face, no easy task today. (Normally, I probably would've laughed out loud.)
Oh, and my gym has the same five annoying-people categories; must be a universal thing. My least favorite of the overly sweaty people are those who sweat and then shake their heads while on the equipment. . . spraying those of us on adjacent machines. Ick!
As someone who frequents the same gym let me add the male perspective:
1. Use a fucking lock on your locker. I wish I was a kleptomaniac because I would have the coolest gym bags, wingtip shoes and other goodies that I could sell for a profit. There is nothing more irritating than having to play "what's behind this unlocked locker" when trying to find an empty one. FUCK!
2. I understand the dry sauna is segregated into separate male/female section but Jesus H tap-dancing Christ PUT A FUCKING TOWEL ON. At the very least have some bit of decorum when going in there. I walk in and I've got cotton pants, shoes, t-shirt and a hoodie on with the hood on and pulled tight and the last thing I want to see is you hairy junk splayed on the ceader boards. And for God's sake PLEASE don't ask me why I come in there dressed like I do. I want to sweat because I have fat to lose and so do you so take a hint. Also, I listen to my music loud and don't you dare ask me to turn it down because not only do I NOT want to see your flaccid sweaty Vienna sausage but I don't want to hear your grunting and heavy breathing from it being too hot.
3. To all the broly bastards who stand in the middle of the free weight area chatting about what size needle they use or which post cycle treatment is best for relieving tender breasts....FUCKING MOVE! I know I don't look like you and, yes, I see you, I hear you and I want to look like you but I still don't give a left testicle about you.
4. If I smell your perfume AFTER you have run 6 miles you have put on too much and I am going to push you down the stairs if I am behind you.
That's all I got. Sorry for blog-jacking, baby.
I HATE the 6 women in my aerobics class who take up the first row and then talk the entire time while barely moving their child-birthing hips. I can't hear the the instructor because they won't shut the hell up.
PS-- I need to wash my brain after Thomas' post about the flaccid pee pees on the cedar planks. EEEWWWWW!
Lady on the elliptical next to me at the gym. So proud of you for trying. Yes. You can make it to and through the cool down. Good for you. I didn't say any of that, but I was mentally cheering her on.
After she got off the machine, she took off her t-shirt to reveal a sports bra and something else. I don't know what you call the something else. It was kind of like a soft side cooler with elastic about 10" wide around her waist. She proceeds to remove this as well. There was a slingshot of sweat you cannot imagine. Luckily I wasn't hit. Ack.
my boyfriend is always bragging *cough* I mean complaining!... about the flamboyant men at his gym checking him out. He even has a cute little stalker that (literally) dances around the gym, ballet style sometimes. I really need to start working out, just so I can go see this. hehehe
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