Friday, August 29, 2008

An Open Letter

Dear baby sister,

This weekend you will turn 18 years-old. I can't believe it. I just really can't.

I remember the day you were born, when I held you and cried because I was just so happy you were here. I remember the nights when you would cry, not for our mother, for me. "SISSSSSSSSY!!!", you'd scream at the top of your lungs while sitting in your crib - knowing that I would come and rescue you because I was such a sucker. You would curl up next to me in my bed and fall right to sleep. Your hair damp from sweat and your cheeks flushed from crying. I was always able to calm you down.

You have been through so much these last few years but you take it all in stride. You've learned how not to live and how to laugh at yourself. I wish I could've been there more. To protect you, to shield you from some of the bad stuff, but I couldn't and I still can't. You've shown me how strong you are by your actions and your words. I am simply amazed sometimes.

This weekend you will officially become an adult. A woman. Grown. I have never been more proud of you than I am right now. You're making big decisions that will affect you the rest of your life, but never arrogant enough to do them without asking me my opinion. While I may not agree with every decision you've made or the decisions you will make in the future I will always be by your side to support you.

You are beautiful, innocent, funny, and witty. You are my pride and joy. No matter how grown you get you will always be that little toddler curled up next to me in my bed. Happy birthday, kiddo. I love you more than words can express.

- Sissy

Thursday, August 28, 2008

From the inbox

Got this and decided that truer words have never been spoken...

"Are you tired of those sissy 'friendship' poems that always sound good, but never actually come close to reality? Well, here is a series of promises that actually speak of true friendship. You will see no cutesy little smiley faces on this card- just the stone cold truth of our great friendship.

1. When you are sad -- Like a spider monkey jacked up on Mountain Dew I will jump on the person who made you sad.

2. When you are blue -- I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.

3. When you smile -- I will know you are plotting something that I must be involved in.

4. When you're scared -- we will high tail it out of there.

5. When you are worried -- I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be until you quit whining, ya big baby!

6. When you are confused -- I will use small words.

7. When you are sick -- Stay the hell away from me until you are well again. I don't want whatever you have.

8. When you fall -- I'll pick you up and dust you off-- After I laugh at you."

To my friends, this I pledge to you.

Wednesday, August 27, 2008

With Friends Like These...

Apparently my friend Mark not only craves the instanets attention but he also has some time on his hands. I got these in my inbox this morning...

Yea, wow. It's true though, he does like plastic women.

In real life his head isn't that big, but it's close.

Internet, meet Mark. Mark, meet the internet. You two weirdos were made for eachother.

Tuesday, August 26, 2008


Dudes and dudettes! I present to you Camera Phone Fun!

Okay, that was a little lame. Just shuddup and look at the pictures.

Lotus...freaking sweet
Mmmm...Lotus. Saw this in my gym parking lot. Shocked that the guy left the tops off. Good thing we're in a nice neighborhood.

Redbull from Thailand
This is $40.00 worth of Redbull from Thailand. Non-carbonated, sweet, and syrupy. It'll also kick you straight in the ass if you drink more than half of the bottle. Worth it? Most definitely.

Leftover home-made ribs. Lawd almighty they were good.

My co-worker's car after he wrecked it. I happened to be following him when he took a corner too fast and slammed into a curb then a wall. Driving FAIL.

My view of the pool. Apartment living has it's advantages.

Breakfast in Arizona after a night of drinkin'.

Best shirt evah. Thanks to Chicken for wearing it proudly and for letting me take a picture of it and her fantastic rack.

Hey Kelly, that cutie that you referred to? Yea, he sent me these. And don't worry, I'm most positive he'll be mentioned quite a bit in the future here.

Give It Up For The Noob

I have been lucky when it comes to friendships. I'd like to think I'm a good friend. A good listener. Someone that a person can count on to be there through thick and through thin. I found it difficult after high school when I realized that I had purposefully moved away from the friendships I had made. I did it on my own. Too busy playing house and being an idiot to realize that those people I had grown to love all of those years would've been nice to have around.

Thanks to the beauty of Facebook I've been able to re-connect with several people from school. People I had known for years and years. People that I loved. And it's amazing to me that once we re-connected it was like we had just graduated high school - not like 10 years had passed.

It didn't take much to convince Jess to come to the dark side and start blogging. I said the word "free" and she was all over it like white on rice. A fantastic writer, a wonderful person, and a great mom - I'm glad to call this woman my friend, again.

So go give the noob some sweet sweet bloggy love...

Adventures in Boredom

Monday, August 25, 2008

Do Want

While walking through a local gun show this weekend I see this...

Do Want

Me: OMG! It's a pink gun! A small! Pink! Gun! Want want want want want. It's so cute!

Him: ::eyeroll:: WTF pink gun? It's a gun! It's not supposed to be cute!

Me: But it is cute and it's pink! I wonder if the magazine comes in pink too.

Him: ::head explodes::

After walking around the show for a while we came back to this same gun. I had a 10 minute battle with myself over to buy it or not. I didn't buy it. I told him that we had to leave immediately or else I would. I pouted for the next 20 minutes because I denied myself. I'm such a damn baby.

Friday, August 22, 2008

In For The Win


I have drank coffee, a Redbull, and a grande coffee frap from Starbucks all in a matter of about 8 hours.

I am amped like you would not believe.

It's Friday. I've got a job and I've got shit to do, but I don't wanna do it. So ask me anything.

I'm going to be sorely disappointed in you people if you don't come through for me.

Thursday, August 21, 2008

That Ain't Mud In Yo Bed

There are few who have been privileged enough to wake up next to me in bed. They can (and will if they know what's good them) attest to the fact that I look splendid in the morning. Hair perfect, makeup crisp, breath still fresh from the night befores brushing. I am gorgeous.

Do you smell smoke? *sniff sniff* Oh yea, that's me. My pants are on fire.

I am not gorgeous in the morning. My hair is terrifying, my mascara usually has taken up residence somewhere other than my eyelashes, and my breath is not so great either. I am not gorgeous. I require a cigarette and a cup of coffee STAT. Oh and don't bother speaking to me before 7AM if I don't get those two requirements. Lest you find yourself verbally beaten and sitting in the corner in the fetal position sucking your thumb and asking for your mommy. I am a bitch.

I may be terrifying in the morning but nothing can be more terrifying than what I woke up next to this morning.

I got up, grabbed a smoke and a cup of coffee and positioned myself back in bed for a good 20 minutes of morning news watching. I was sipping my coffee when something caught my attention out of the corner of my eye. It was a spot on the bed. A dark spot. My vision was still a little fuzzy seeing as how I had just woken up so I rubbed my eyes and looked at the spot again. When I saw it I was horrified.

It was a spider.

A big, black, fuzzy spider.

On my bed.

Next to me.


I jumped out of bed and looked down at it again. It seemed to be dead as it was kinda balled up and it's legs were all twisted. I imagined that at some point in the night it had crawled up on my soft sweet pillow and decided to nap a little when I, in a fit of sleep, slammed the hell out of it and killed it dead. Either that or my breath did.

I disposed of the corpse and did a bed check for anymore of his little friends that may have taken up residence on my bed. The coast was clear, for now.

Snakes on my patio, spiders in my bed, and a dog that won't stop barking - I'm thinking it's time to move.

Wednesday, August 20, 2008

Slowly Going Insane

I've lived in this apartment, the one I am currently sitting in, since May 23rd. In that time I have become well acquainted with a tenant who lives on the third floor. I wish I could say that I know the person who actually lives and pays the rent there but I cannot. I only know his dog. Why do I only know his dog, you ask? Because his dog barks. Constantly.

I've contacted the management several times but it does no good. Apparently there are rules about not leaving your dog on your patio and rules about not letting your goddamned dog bark while outside at all hours of the night, but nothing can be done about this.

This is the only time in my life that I have wished actual harm to come to an animal and I would personally like to be the one to do the harming.

I lay in bed at night and pray to anyone who will listen to just shut the dog up for JUST A LITTLE WHILE so I can fall asleep and be a productive member of society the next day. Some nights my prayers are answered, some nights they are not.

Maybe it was the rum and Diet Dr. Pepper, maybe it was the fact that I am delirious from lack of sleep, or maybe I'm just feeling a little bitchy and passive-aggressive because I just taped this to his freaking door:

Letter to the neighbor

Doubtful it will do any good but damn do I feel better.


Y'all didn't really think I'd go away did ya?

Oh yes, that's right. It's on like Donkey Kong...