That Ain't Mud In Yo Bed

There are few who have been privileged enough to wake up next to me in bed. They can (and will if they know what's good them) attest to the fact that I look splendid in the morning. Hair perfect, makeup crisp, breath still fresh from the night befores brushing. I am gorgeous.

Do you smell smoke? *sniff sniff* Oh yea, that's me. My pants are on fire.

I am not gorgeous in the morning. My hair is terrifying, my mascara usually has taken up residence somewhere other than my eyelashes, and my breath is not so great either. I am not gorgeous. I require a cigarette and a cup of coffee STAT. Oh and don't bother speaking to me before 7AM if I don't get those two requirements. Lest you find yourself verbally beaten and sitting in the corner in the fetal position sucking your thumb and asking for your mommy. I am a bitch.

I may be terrifying in the morning but nothing can be more terrifying than what I woke up next to this morning.

I got up, grabbed a smoke and a cup of coffee and positioned myself back in bed for a good 20 minutes of morning news watching. I was sipping my coffee when something caught my attention out of the corner of my eye. It was a spot on the bed. A dark spot. My vision was still a little fuzzy seeing as how I had just woken up so I rubbed my eyes and looked at the spot again. When I saw it I was horrified.

It was a spider.

A big, black, fuzzy spider.

On my bed.

Next to me.

O
M
G

I jumped out of bed and looked down at it again. It seemed to be dead as it was kinda balled up and it's legs were all twisted. I imagined that at some point in the night it had crawled up on my soft sweet pillow and decided to nap a little when I, in a fit of sleep, slammed the hell out of it and killed it dead. Either that or my breath did.

I disposed of the corpse and did a bed check for anymore of his little friends that may have taken up residence on my bed. The coast was clear, for now.

Snakes on my patio, spiders in my bed, and a dog that won't stop barking - I'm thinking it's time to move.