Friday, November 9, 2012

No Title

Oh how time just seems to fly by.  Days, weeks, and months pass in what seems like the blink of an eye.

The anniversary of my moms death came and went.  I allowed myself to remember her and to hurt for that one day.  Still though, her death has left me with some emotional cuts that can't quite seem to heal.  Certain songs I cannot listen to, one in particular, because she once told me that it reminded her so much of me.  However, I can't grieve forever.  My life is full, and life is for the living.

Thomas and I continue to renovate our home and we're so very proud of the work we've put into it.  For the first time we will be hosting his family for Christmas dinner this year.  My heart strings tug when I think that I won't be spending Christmas with what little family I have left, but they understand.  I never wanted my visits to them to come from my own self-imposed feelings of obligation, but because I want to be there with them. I can tell you though that, just as I suspected, my family just isn't the same since mom died.  There is an obvious sadness there.  A hole that can never be filled.  Even my relationship with my sister isn't the same.  I had always hoped that eventually as we both grew older our difference in age wouldn't seem so large.  Maybe when I'm in my 40's and she is in her 30's things will be better, but as of right now we couldn't be any more different.  This difference has created a rift between us and I'm not sure if that rift can ever be bridged.

If there is one thing I took away from the entire clusterfuck that was my mothers untimely death it is this: I can handle anything that life throws at me.  I am good with crisis.  I thrive on it actually.  When Thomas and I both lost ours jobs I did not panic.  Panic over losing a job?  Pffft.  Please.  That was nothing compared to what I've dealt with in the past.  When a project we are working on seems like it's never going to ever turn out like we wanted, do I throw a hissy fit and wash my hands of it?  Nope.  Take a few steps back, give it a day to think it through, and then find a solution.  I seem to have found a calmness within myself that I didn't think I was capable of.  I can be abrasive, I can be quick tempered, but it's almost as if nothing else can top the trauma of ultimately signing my mother's life away.  Mom dying made me a better person, I am almost certain of it.  While I still have difficulty in accurately expressing the myriad of feelings that came from her death, I know that I have grown as an individual.  My mother was never the maternal type, nor did she ever have the patience to educate her children on major life lessons.  My grandmother did that for her.  Cooking, cleaning, driving, paying bills, being an adult - that education came from my grandmother.  But I will always and forever give my mother credit for two things:  She taught me how sell products and manage a business.  And with her death she taught me that I am so much stronger than I had ever really given myself credit for.  I will always be grateful to her for that.

So as I said, life goes on.  Whether we want it to or not.  You can either lay down and cry about it yet accomplish nothing, or you can put your big girl panties on and enjoy the time we have on this planet.  I choose to embrace the lessons from the past, and live my life to the fullest.

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