Not A Resolution

I don't really do new year resolutions. Usually resolutions are selfish in nature. To do or to be better as a person. If I'm going to quit smoking it's not going to be on a day in which I'm painfully hungover. On that day smoking will be one of the few things I will need to get through the day without murdering someone. Technically I don't diet anymore so we can throw that resolution out the window as well. I already work out. I'm already a good person. I am organized and always on time.

However, I made a silent resolution without even really meaning to do so.

Thomas and I belong to a very large public forum/message board. Neither of us are major posters, instead we prefer to lurk in the shadows and wait for drama or lulz. After being on this forum for over a year now you tend to see the same people posting over and over. You recognize user names and avatars. You actually get to know who these people are just by reading what they've got to say, even if it isn't aimed directly at you. This past week a major contributor/popular member passed away very unexpectedly. He was young, newly married, and very well liked. His wife, also a member of the forum, is (understandably) inconsolable.

I instantly felt sorrow for his wife. She is lost in a sea of mourning and grief.

In one way or another I deal with death almost every day. Except I deal with the financial side of dying. I help people pass on wealth to their loved ones, or at least make sure they are not a financial burden on them. While I myself have a healthy fear of dying young I almost always forget that those I love dearly have their own expiration dates. I usually don't put much thought into it but the thought of losing Thomas takes my breath away. The thought of losing any one of my friends or family makes me want to grip my stomach. Of course I have zero control over any of it but that's not my point. My point is to be more aware and to be more apparent in the lives of those that I love and cherish.

While reading through post after post in the thread that announced that young man's death so many people responded with memories but so many others posted regrets that they hadn't seen him in so long, or hadn't had the chance to say what they wanted to say to him. I don't want that to happen to me. I want every single person who I love to know that I think about them every day and even if I don't always show it I do try. I try to be the good listener, the good friend, the best wife I can possibly be. I know I fail from time to time but my intentions are there.

Call this what you will. A promise, a resolution, an agreement with myself, but it is what it is. An increased effort to be a better (insert role here). And since I believe resolutions are selfish this isn't about bettering myself necessarily, it's about bettering the lives of the people I love. It's about letting them know they are my life. It's about letting them know they are special. It's about forgetting about myself and making those people my top priority. In the end we all win.