Accepted

A year ago this month my life started to change. For better or for worse it was real and it was terrifying and it was exhilarating all at the same time. I knew then that at some time in the very near future my world would turn upside down and would never be the same. I was right.

I can't seem to get my thoughts straight. The words I want to say are right on the tips of my fingers. I want to write about how good things are right now but it's difficult. Maybe it's fear. Fear that if I actually let those words loose into the atmosphere (or cyberspace, whichever) that the happiness I feel will be ripped away from me. That if it's spoken, it'll be gone. Another irrational fear on my part.

I find myself constantly amazed at life these days. Amazed at how good it feels to be appreciated for who I am and for what I do. The little things are noticed and mentioned. The affection is plentiful and not something to be used as a reward that when I'm good I receive it and when I'm not it's taken away like a child TV privileges. There are no more worries about dealing with someone who may or may not fly off the handle at any time. No more worries about whether or not the person I'm with is really having a good time or is just faking it and then dealing with the consequences of their misery later. There are no worries. For the first time I am not subconsciously scared of someone.

I am loved. Loved for who I am and what I've become. Loved as I am, no strings attached. No ulterior motives, no questions. No more being ashamed of what I am or where I come from. I am me and I am accepted. As if I've found the Ying to my Yang, my missing piece. As corny as it may sound, I don't even care, I am complete.

There are those who caution me to be careful with my heart. It's fragile and no matter how I try to act hard and badass-like, so is the rest of me. I appreciate those who know me best when they tell me to be careful. It's out of love that they say it. They've seen me hurt. They've been there when I was at my worst and I didn't think I could go on. No one wants to see their friend in pain but at the same time I have to swing for the fences. I can't be scared and I can't keep myself guarded.

I took a chance, a big risk, and it's paid off.