Waiving My Crazy Flag

Chalk it up to hormones, PMS, or just plain ol' craziness but I lost it last night. I was confronted with my own feelings, my own paranoia, and there was zero proof to back it up. I reacted to a gut feeling, one that hasn't really steered me wrong in the past, and little things that I have let bottle up inside of me. I stood in the middle of the living room and broke down.

I've got to give Thomas credit for his reaction. He's never seen me like that before. It came out of no where and it wasn't really something that you can prepare someone for. He sat with me, held me while I cried for absolutely no reason, and let me get it all out.

It had been ages since that kind of emotion had taken over me like that. I thought I was past that. I thought I had beat the bad feeling of depression and paranoia. There are times when I can't believe how lucky I am to have made it out of my marriage with as little scarring as possible but then there are days, like yesterday, where the fear of being hurt again comes to the surface and I can't hold it back anymore.

I'm annoyed when I hear people blame their current mistakes and constant bad decisions on something that has happened to them in the past. Their parents divorced, they were weren't hugged enough as a child, their sibling/cousin/neighbor bullied them, etc etc the list goes on and on. The hard ass me thinks that they should suck it up, stop living in the past, but the scarred me knows that some past events can rock you to your core. My past is my past and there isn't a damn thing I can do about it but I do what I can to not let those who have hurt me affect me now. It's unfortunate that there are times when I can't control it.

Going through what I went through was traumatic. No matter how much I push it away or blow it off or even laugh it off it is what it is. It hurt and it permanently changed me. It changed how I feel, it changed how I react, and it changed how I deal with emotion. I am not the same person I was before it all went down.

I have absolutely no reason to doubt my relationship with Thomas. He's been wonderful. Almost as if he were a gift that was given to me as an apology from the universe for all of the bullshit I've been put through. I couldn't be happier. However, I am only human. I have insecurities, I have issues, and I have thin skin. I was raw and I was vulnerable and I needed to let it all out.

I apologized to Thomas for having to deal with what someone in my past has done to me but that goes for anyone. We are all affected by what other people do, whether we like it or not. In the end it's all how we handle ourselves and how we move past what has been done to us, to not dwell in the bad and see only the good. I am working on that, I am making progress. I've said before that it's impossible for me to guard my heart, to put up walls. I swing for the fences and I have no regrets. Life is good, love is wonderful, and some times it's okay just to cry.

One Month Down...One Month To Go

Last night I was reminded by the beautiful and funny Elle that I am a very short 30 days away from going from a Mrs. to a Ms. In her words I will be, "Free at last, FREE at LAST!"

I have said time and time again how much I cherish my friends who have been there for me over these last 9+ months. They've been there through the lowest of lows and the highest of highs. I will never ever be able to thank them or pay them back for the shoulders I've cried on, the laughter they've provided me, and advice that's been given.

To my wonderful friends, I lovelovelovelovelove you all. Thank you, all of you, for everything you've done. Because of you I came out of this a better and much happier person. Because of you I found the real me.

And to Thomas, I am so grateful that you've come into my life. I've never been happier and I have you to thank for that. Thank you for loving me as I am. Thank you for being you. Thank you for being on my side and being the wonderful man that you are. You amaze me on a daily basis.

30 days people. 30 days.

Taking Halloween Seriously

Thomas and I had been planning our Halloween costumes for months. We'd decided long ago what we would go as, what accessories we would need to procure, and even how one of us should act in order to really and truly play our parts well. We totally pulled that shit off on Saturday night.

I dyed my hair, painted my fingernails, sported an assortment of fake tattoos, and an apron in order to look like a beer bar waitress. Thomas, the bus boy, wore hairnets, a fake gold tooth, fake jewelry, a few fake tattoos of his own and carried around a towel and spray bottle (full of a very tasty concoction of blue Poweraid and vodka made to look like Windex). Oh and let us not forget the fake mustache. That really pulled the costume together.

Let me stop boring you with words and present to you the photos from that night. Needless to say, our costumes were outstanding and we had a friggin blast.

D-Ville Halloween Extravaganza 2008!

Click the thumbnail of the picture in order to view full size and description of what in the hell was going on.

P.S. I forgot to pick up fingernail polish remover yesterday and my hair is still pretty bright red. My boss said I looked "interesting" this morning. I responded by saying, "I'm sorry I look like a whore/goth/emo kid today but Halloween is just that important. You gotta do what you gotta do, man".

P.P.S. In real life Thomas is taller than I am. In one pic I look like I'm towering over him. Damn those six inch mary jane platform shoes that were just too damn cute to pass on.

Not A Good Way To Start The Day

EDIT!:

I may be a girl but dammit I can change a tire. VOILA!

The Recap

Alright, so the trip to Missouri...

I was excited to see my family again. I really was. After almost a year and a half it was time to get back there before they disowned my ass. Of course at the same time I was dreading it. I feel so very distant from them most of the time. We all have very little in common and I'm just not like them anymore. I can't quite put my finger on it. I won't even try to psychoanalyze them as it's not only an insult to them but frankly, it boggles the mind how crazy one family can truly be. In the end though, they mean well.

There was little awkwardness when Thomas first met them. They accepted him almost immediately. He had one major plus going for him - he wasn't Mike. He could never be Mike. He will never be Mike. That automatically made them love him.

Then, my mother came over. Dun dun DUNNNNNNNN




That's her up there with her bird that she takes everywhere on her shoulder like she was a damn pirate or something.

My mother is first and foremost L-O-U-D. She is unapologetic, crude, and in some cases would rather you hate her than for her to be any different around you just so it won't offend your delicate sensibilities. You either love her, hate her, or want to throw her off a tall building just to get her to shut the fuck up for 5 minutes. And that woman has the hots for my boyfriend...let us just leave that one alone for now, shall we?

We all sat around and told jokes that made us laugh so hard that our stomachs hurt. We ate like Kings, thanks to my grandmother's cooking, and I took Thomas to the town I grew up in. I took him to one of my favorite restaurants and we ate chips and queso and drank huge beers and made fun of my sister and her friend who sat across from us.



I wasn't overly sure what I wanted to accomplish with this trip. Seeing my family and introducing them to Thomas was first and foremost of course but maybe it was to show them that after all that has happened this year that I am fine. I am more than fine. I am happy. For the first time in such a very very long time I am happy. With myself, with my life, with my relationship...I am happy. I know they were worried about me and wondered who exactly this new person in my life was but they see now and they understand. It will take some time for them to love him as much as I do, but it's coming and it feels good to know that they genuinely like him. I can say, without any doubt, that the trip was a success.

I started this post last Friday and I'm just now finishing it up. Being home sick from work has it's advantages ya know. Excuse me now for I have three puppies who are all curled up asleep on my bed and would love to have their mama join them for a nap.

Zzzzzzzz...

Due to exhaustion I will have to do the "New Boyfriend Meets The Family - Holy Shit Someone Hold Me" edition of Weekend Round-Up later. Because Thomas and I don't really like holding onto our money very much we made a little stop last night on the way home...







We told ourselves on the way that we'd only stay for 30 minutes and not hit the ATM once, because $5.00 ATM fees are a bunch of bullshit. And we still had to get home, unpack, walk the dogs, and get to bed in order to be up for work in the morning...

Hour and a half and a $5.00 ATM fee later we left.

Let us never speak of how much I suck at Let It Ride and how much money we lost combined.

More when I can keep my eyes open and when I have fully processed what actually occurred this weekend.

Meow

Messing with dogs is fun...





I apologize for the crappy picture. It was a tad dark in the room.

Goin' To Kansas City, Kansas City Here I Come

I haven't been back "home" since May of last year. That last trip was a doozy and one that I hope will never ever repeat itself. It was a beating both physically and emotionally. Realizing, once again, how screwed up my family was (is) took it's toll on me. I told myself that I wouldn't return again until things were settled, normal. Or as normal as possible for my kin.

It's time to go again. I've put it off long enough. This trip has a different purpose though. A better one. A brighter one. I'm not going home to fix the mistakes of others or to clean up a mess. I am going home to celebrate.

For The Last Time

We met at Starbucks. Both ordered our usuals and sat down to have a smoke before going our separate ways. I handed him the final paperwork, the last thing I needed to sign and notarize. He thanked me again for going about it this way, instead of involving a lawyer.

We chatted about our jobs and what's been going on in our lives. He asked about Delighla and my friends. I asked about his parents and his brother. It was small talk. The last of the small talk. We both knew that we would probably never see each other like this again.

When it was time to go we shook hands like old business partners. He told me to take care of myself and I told him the same. We turned around and left in opposite directions.

I walked to the car with the sun beating down, a cup of Starbucks in my hand, and a smile on my face. Freedom from my past is getting close now, so very close.

November 28th is the day.