A Secret No More

The cat is officially out of the bag. Thomas and I have purchased our first home together. We are closing next week, moving in a month, and I could not be more excited for us and our new adventure together.

There will be photos, oh yes. Thomas and I have grand ideas about this new home of ours. It's older and needs updating. Thankfully he and I are handy enough and we plan to tackle these home improvements on our own. New kitchen, new bathrooms, new flooring, etc. I am absolutely giddy. And not just because I get to pick out paint colors and wear a tool belt either.

Due to the wonders of the interwebs, and knowing how easy it is to obtain personal information (not to mention a few prying eyes who I feel don't really need to know what I'm doing or where I'm living) we may create a new (and password protected) blog to detail the trials, tribulations, and excitement of renovating our new home. Stay tuned!

Helloooooo Club 1312

We moved. Every piece of furniture and every box we lifted and hauled ourselves. That may not sound all that bad to most people but those people haven't tried to lift our 800lb television and the just as bad armoire that it goes in.

We managed to get everything done with minimal amounts of bickering. I consider a move where at the end you don't hate your spouse to be a success. Did we have varying opinions about where important items go? Sure we did. That argument about where exactly the silverware should go in the kitchen was totally called-for. And let us never speak of the Furniture Placement Incident. Suffice it to say, I am completely nutty butters and Thomas should be considered a Saint for having to deal with me and my OCD/I am a woman and I like things to match/I cannot mentally handle that the living room window is UN-FUCKING-EVEN on the living room wall.

I hate moving.

We are unpacked and settling in nicely. Both of us are enjoying our much MUCH shorter commutes to work and the dogs are enjoying the fact that there are new smells EVERYWHERE and they MUST be smelled this damn INSTANT. I swear their nostrils are working overtime right now.

I have to admit, this apartment is kinda creeping me out. I have yet to hear any neighbors. Not a child screaming, or snoring, or even a door slamming. It's like we live in a house! But without the backyard and the right to put pink flamingos in the front yard.

This apartment and it's spaciousness is downright glorious. We have ROOM. Almost more room than we know what to do with. And what do we need to do to fill up all that extra space? You guessed it. We need to go furniture shopping. I cannot WAIT for that argument.

WTF? Where Did February Go?

Maybe it is true, the older you get the faster time seems to fly by. Or maybe it's just that February is a short month and I'm lazy when it comes to blogging.

I used to have angst and drama and a laundry list of items to bitch about but life is smooth sailing lately. Hell, life has been smooth sailing for months now. Every day is the same but different all at the same time. I realize that may not make much sense but it's the only way I can describe it.

As the weather warms up and spring eventually arrives and then turns into summer I can see myself hardly blogging at all. It's not that I don't want to it's just that sometimes you can't put moments into words and up on a screen in front of you. Or maybe I'm just not that great of a writer. I've mentioned before how I fear talking about the future too much. There are certain items that are definite to me and there are others that I have no idea if they will come to fruition. I do not care for uncertainty but I know that many things are out of my control and I just have to go with the flow. What I do know is that at this moment I am happy and that is what matters most.

Happiness and contentment tend to make for a boring blog, this I know. People (including myself) love to read about pain and anger and ranting. I just don't have it in me right now. The only frustration in my life at the moment is learning how to drive stick. Thomas, God bless his very very patient soul, agreed to put his car's transmission in serious danger and teach me. In 12 years of driving I've never had to really and truly think about what I'm doing when it comes to driving. You just get in and go right? Yea, not so much with the stick. There's the pushing of the clutch, and changing gears, and down-shifting, and trying my absolute best not to kill the damn car. It's gonna take a lot of practice and possibly one of those neck brace thingies. And maybe a new transmission too.

Don't Mind Me, I'm Just Being Dramatic. Maybe It's The PMS.

During the entire year of 2008 it felt like I was constantly on the go. Fly here, party there, weekends spent by the pool drinking more beers than I care to think about, every night there was a plan to do something. Did I have fun? You bet your ass I did. Even when I was feeling at my lowest I was constantly in motion. When my life began to calm down and I looked back I couldn't believe that an entire year had flown by.

My boss had been worried about me last year. Looking back I can't blame him really. It was like this whole new employee showed up in his office one day. The day before I had just been me. The hard working, grounded (read: boring), jovial me. I was predictable and I was cheerful. Then one day that employee changed. I was emotional, I was sad, and I was distracted. He figured that if everything else in my life was different then why not my job. He figured wrong. In the end I realized that the only constant in my life, the one thing that I knew would never change, would be my job. I could walk in, do what I needed to do, and knew that it would be there for me the next day. That stability meant something to me. When my entire world was chaos, my job was steady.

Stability in my personal life has taken some getting used to. After being hurt it's difficult to go back to a place that leaves you vulnerable. You open your heart, you take a risk. I took my risk and waited for the rug to be pulled out from underneath me. The optimist in me knew that I would have my happily ever after. The pessimist in me waited for the worst case scenario - heartbreak.

The worst case scenario didn't happen. Only the good has come my way and along with the good is the stability. Stability in knowing that I will come home to someone who wants me there. Stability in knowing that there won't be a fight waiting for me around the corner. Stability in feeling safe, secure, and happy. And with it comes contentment, and sometimes that contentment brings stagnation. I don't feel that though. I revel in the idea of scooting home after work, having dinner, and watching TV. Maybe it's the cold that makes me feel like being a hermit, or maybe it's just the fact that I am happy with my home life.

For so long it was GO GO GO and now it's time to kick back and enjoy the life that I have. For once, my life is stable. For once, I am not afraid.

A Little Bit Of This And A Little Bit Of That

Today is December 5th and I am not yet divorced. Yup, you read that right. I was supposed to be officially divorced by December 1st. Obviously, that didn't happen.

Earlier this week I received a phone call from my soon-to-be-ex-husband informing me that, due to scheduling conflicts and work issues, he would be unable to make the 20 minute drive to the courthouse in order for a judge to finally release me from my marital bond to an absolute moron. I asked him how long was I going to have to wait. He told me not until the beginning of the new year.

Yea...that didn't go over well.

One of my mottos has always been, "If you want something done right you better do it yourself". I should've stuck with that way of thinking. See, I figured that because he was the one who initiated the separation that he would be the one who would be itching to get this divorced final. That come hell or high water he would want to be rid of me for good. Apparently, I was wrong. I nagged him til I was blue in the face about starting the proceedings. I stayed on him about getting the paperwork turned in at the appropriate times and I was the one who informed him that he needed to stand before a judge in order to finalize the divorce. I want to be D-O-N-E done done fucking done with this marriage, like right now.

Insert stomping of feet, temper tantrum thrown, and bottom lip sticking out.


To my soon-to-be-ex-husband,

A not so happy birthday to you, asshat. May your hair continue to fall out and you never lose that gut you inherited from your father. May you spawn a dozen children who are all as condescending and lazy as you, and as hideous as the creature that you mated with.

All the best,
Your soon-to-be-(thank God Almighty) ex-wife

P.S. I faked. A lot.

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Ahem and moving on...

Tonight is Thomas' company Christmas party. Food, cash bar, and the two of us looking dayum good should make for a mighty fine time. Pictures will be taken, of course. I would normally ask that you pray that I don't get tore up and make an ass of myself but with a cash bar that is soooo not going to happen.

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Last, but certainly not least, while watching TV last night Tank The Awesome Chihuahua jumped on Thomas' lap and as he was climbing over him to get to me he farted directly in Thomas' face. Seriously. Tank was all *jump, hop, POOT, jump* and the look on Thomas' face was absolutely priceless. I laughed so hard that I almost pissed myself.

I'm blogging about this for three reasons:

1. It's funny to think about a 4lb Chihuahua blowing ass.
2. Thomas should get used to me using him for humorous blogging material.
3. I like to think Tank did it out of pure revenge for all of the times the poor innocent creature has been sound asleep laying between both of us and has awoken to a wall of stink thanks to Thomas' assplosions. REVENGE WILL BE HIS DAMMIT!

Thanksgiving Round-Up

By the time I left work on Wednesday I was in the shittiest of shitty moods. I was cold, I was upset because our office was D-E-A-D dead yet we all just sat around here praying the the deity of our choice that the boss would let us leave (and he did, but only 30 minutes early), I was tired but I still had pies to make for the next day, and I just wanted to go home. When I finally made my way home I got to the door and saw a green box propped up against the door. I recognized the box instantly and knew what was inside. What I didn't know was who it was from.

I walked in the door and was immediately greeted with a smiling face and happy puppies that were glad to see me finally get home. I could not wait to see what was in this box though. Thomas looked at the box and at me and I told him that I had gotten flowers but had no idea who they were from.

I ripped open the box and saw the card. The card congratulating me on my divorce and getting rid of "180lbs of DEAD WEIGHT". I LOL'd and I even teared up because two women that I love so dearly remembered that my waiting period for the divorce is up and everything will be final next week. These women who have hugged me and made me laugh and have been an inspiration to me, they remembered and I was once again reminded how lucky I am to have people like them in my life. My Superwomen - God, how I love you guys.



Look! Divorce flowers! Squeeeeeeeeeee! They haven't bloomed yet but you bet your ass I'm gonna post them when they do.

The flowers would've been enough to make me happy for the rest of the evening but Thomas had thought of me during the day and picked me up a bottle of my favorite adult beverage:



YAY BEER! And even more yay for expensive and yummy surprise beer! Oh yes, I did drink the entire thing that night. BY MY SELF.

Obviously the rest of my evening was just peachy keen. You cannot receive congratulatory divorce flowers and a big ol' bottle of beer and still be in a pissy mood.

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I wasn't really nervous about meeting Thomas' family. I am who I am, although I wanted them to like me, but if they didn't like me then there wouldn't be a damn thing I could do about it. All I could be is myself. I spent many many years being related to people by marriage who didn't really care for me all that much. Even though I would pretend to be someone else in their presence it was never good enough. I trudged through many holidays with a fake smile plastered to my face but on the inside I was dying to get out of their house so I could be me again. I wasn't going to go through that again. Like me for me or don't, it's up to you.

Within 10 minutes of being around Thomas' family I felt comfortable. I was included in conversations, I was asked questions, and I treated with respect and kindness. I was myself and they liked me.

Time seemed to fly while I was there. We had dinner and played games and laughed our asses off. Then I realized why I was so very comfortable around them all. Not only are they good people, salt-of-the-earth with zero snob-factor, but they all reminded me of my own family. They were loud, they were funny, they were crazy, and they were no-holds-barred. Being around them was like being home again and I was totally at ease. We left for home late in the evening and I was actually disappointed that we had to leave because I had to work the next day. I can only imagine what other fun we could've had just sitting around and throwing back a couple more beers. Luckily there seems to be a small trip planned for this coming up weekend with the family. A road trip across the border to gamble can only result in more stories to tell.

After getting in bed last night Thomas and I both agreed that, all cheesiness aside, we have so much to be thankful for this year.

He Can Do Anything

He can cook AND he can fix my car. I am seriously swooning here.

Although, genius here should've disconnected the battery first cause I saw some sparks flying and heard a series of unintelligible curse words come from under the hood. I am sitting here hoping that a small sensor change will not result in an ER trip tonight.

At least the view is good...

Waiving My Crazy Flag

Chalk it up to hormones, PMS, or just plain ol' craziness but I lost it last night. I was confronted with my own feelings, my own paranoia, and there was zero proof to back it up. I reacted to a gut feeling, one that hasn't really steered me wrong in the past, and little things that I have let bottle up inside of me. I stood in the middle of the living room and broke down.

I've got to give Thomas credit for his reaction. He's never seen me like that before. It came out of no where and it wasn't really something that you can prepare someone for. He sat with me, held me while I cried for absolutely no reason, and let me get it all out.

It had been ages since that kind of emotion had taken over me like that. I thought I was past that. I thought I had beat the bad feeling of depression and paranoia. There are times when I can't believe how lucky I am to have made it out of my marriage with as little scarring as possible but then there are days, like yesterday, where the fear of being hurt again comes to the surface and I can't hold it back anymore.

I'm annoyed when I hear people blame their current mistakes and constant bad decisions on something that has happened to them in the past. Their parents divorced, they were weren't hugged enough as a child, their sibling/cousin/neighbor bullied them, etc etc the list goes on and on. The hard ass me thinks that they should suck it up, stop living in the past, but the scarred me knows that some past events can rock you to your core. My past is my past and there isn't a damn thing I can do about it but I do what I can to not let those who have hurt me affect me now. It's unfortunate that there are times when I can't control it.

Going through what I went through was traumatic. No matter how much I push it away or blow it off or even laugh it off it is what it is. It hurt and it permanently changed me. It changed how I feel, it changed how I react, and it changed how I deal with emotion. I am not the same person I was before it all went down.

I have absolutely no reason to doubt my relationship with Thomas. He's been wonderful. Almost as if he were a gift that was given to me as an apology from the universe for all of the bullshit I've been put through. I couldn't be happier. However, I am only human. I have insecurities, I have issues, and I have thin skin. I was raw and I was vulnerable and I needed to let it all out.

I apologized to Thomas for having to deal with what someone in my past has done to me but that goes for anyone. We are all affected by what other people do, whether we like it or not. In the end it's all how we handle ourselves and how we move past what has been done to us, to not dwell in the bad and see only the good. I am working on that, I am making progress. I've said before that it's impossible for me to guard my heart, to put up walls. I swing for the fences and I have no regrets. Life is good, love is wonderful, and some times it's okay just to cry.

Of Course I Took Pictures

Seriously, it's been just crazy, y'all. Since the merger and creation of R&S, Inc. we have been non-stop.

We now have three, count 'em 1-2-3, puppeh dogs in the apartment. Small, medium, and large (with a side of dumb). Walking all three at the same time all while maintaining peace and sanity have proved to be challenging but we are making improvements every day. Delighla has found a buddy in Bailey and I have found a snuggle buddy in Tank. Thomas is none-too-pleased that his dog has jumped ship and is now all about the Mo though. But can you blame the poor dog? I certainly cannot for I know how irresistable I can be. And lookit how cute he is...



Other than the regular adjustments that come along with living with someone new life is spectacular. Oh sure there was that time when he took complete control over the TV and stopped my recording of a 'Will & Grace' re-run on the DVR without asking me and then I had to say, "Uh dude? WTF?". He said, "Oh, haven't you seen all these?" and then I said, "Nope, and next time at least ask me if it's okay to stop the recording" and then he says, "Okay". Then there was the time when I bought a gun and he took it apart within 30 seconds of it being out of the packaging and I SWEAR I didn't think he was going to get it back together again and I was watching him fiddle with it, all scared because HELLO it was my gun and now it's all broken and I'm sad and when he finally got it back together again he asked me if I had been nervous about him not being able to fix it and I said, "Yes, only because I don't think you want to take that back to the dealer I bought it from and say, 'Sir, can you fix this? I broke my girlfriend's PINK girly gun'". Needless to say he didn't find that visual as amusing as I did. But you know what? I am one happy mofo. He brings me lillies that smell so good that they'll make your panties drop and he makes me delicious food and he rubs my feet and he puts his dirty clothes in the hamper. I'll take all that over a deleted tv show any day of the week.

Wait...what? Oh that's right, I forgot to mention...

I bought the gun! The pink one! And I don't care if the guy who sold it to me gave me shit it still goes BANG.

Look!



Photos to come of me actually shooting this beauty. It shall be glorious.

Now, the gun show. Wow. Just wow. I thought the last one Thomas and I went to was interesting. LOLOLOLOLOL no. Words cannot do this event justice, only photos...


Don't worry, I've already submitted this to The "Blog" of "Unnecessary" Quotation Marks.


Now this guy? Whoa. We weren't sure if we should salute him or laugh at him. We chose laughing at him after we heard him speak with an Austrailian accent.

I would've taken more photos but I had to go all secret squirrel just to get those two. Apparently they frown on photos being taken of weapons or some bullcrap like that. I'm sure it's because of the terrorists. They're always ruining my fun.

Mergers And Acquisitions

Over the weekend I acquired a couple of new roommates. They both have numerous amounts of pros and both seemed to have taken to their new surroundings quite well. Making oneself comfortable in a strange environment can be difficult at times but it seems we have avoided that issue all together.

Both roommates are cuddly, warm, sweet, affectionate, funny, and quite handsome. However, only one of the roommates can curl up into a ball and fall asleep on my leg...



On the other hand, the other roommate makes a mean Sloppy Joe, doesn't require a leash to be taken to the bathroom, and looks adorable dozing off on the couch.

I think I'll keep them both.